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Donald Trump....Darrell Hammond Ape Guy....Will Forte Dealer....Jimmy Fallon Supervisor....Tina Fey Security Guard....Donald Trump [Open on Donald Trump, seated at a table, being played by Darrell Hammond, staring intently at someone across from him. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. He continues to hold his mouth open, then BURPS, is mildly embarrassed, and then covers his mouth with his hand for a moment.] Donald Trump: Excuse me - I had a "Big New Yorker" for lunch from Pizza Hut - Oh, and you’re fired. [Show the person he was talking to - a contestant from his show, The Apprentice. He's a guy with model good looks, dressed sharp. He's on the verge of tears.] Apprentice Candidate: Can I at least apply to one of your hotels as a bellboy, and work my way up? Donald Trump: No. (cold) [He turns to the guy who won, who we still can't see.] Donald Trump: Congratulations, you won. You’re my new apprentice. [Now we see the guy, who is dressed in a full ape suit. He wears a wig that looks exactly like Donald Trump's hair.] Ape Guy: (very monotone voice) Thank you, I am so glad. Donald Trump: You know what did it for me? #1, I like the ape suit. It's different, and it shows you've got balls. But what really did it for me was the hair - you've gotta have the right hair. Ape Guy: Great, can we celebrate? I'm an impulsive, I mean compulsive gambler – so can we go to your casino? Donald Trump: You know, I've always wanted to mingle with the common man who frequents my establishment (he gets all emotional and gestures with his hands as if trying to conjure up the right words) - it's just something I've wanted to do. So let's do it. (He gives a thumbs up) Ape Guy: Great. [Cut to Trump and the Ape Guy, who is still wearing the same outfit, exiting a Limousine in front of the Trump casino. The Ape Guy moves about as if he's overwhelmed and excited. He haphazardly runs towards the entrance. Trump walks after him. He motions with his hand as if saying, "Wait a minute."] [Cut to the interior of the casino, where the Ape Guy runs up to the absolute nearest slot machine and starts pulling the handle in a maniacal manner, as if possessed, back and forth, back and forth, even though he hasn't put any coins in. Trump grabs his pulling arm and tries to pry him away, but the Ape Guy has a death vice grip on it.] Donald Trump: Let go. We first have to get some coins. Let go, I say! [He can't pry the Ape Guy away, so he backs off. He stands directly behind him, contemplating what to say.] Donald Trump: (Guilty tone) fine, fine, ok. I'll just leave you here and walk around by myself. (The Ape Guy ignores him and continues to pull the handle up and down) [Trump looks as if he's about to leave, but then puts his arm around the Ape Guy's neck and locks in a choke hold. The Ape Guy's pulling arm goes really stiff, and then falls. He is unconscious.] Donald Trump: I didn't want to have to do that. [He drags him off the chair.] [Cut to them leaving the cashier's cage, with the Ape Guy carrying two mini-buckets full of coins - one in each arm. He looks pretty excited and runs off rather quickly.] Donald Trump: Wait, come back! [He loses the Ape Guy. He goes to a security booth and talks to the attendant.] Donald Trump: Excuse me, I'm Donald Trump, the owner of this casino. I need your help in locating a friend - he's dressed in an Ape suit. [The attendant, a young lady, has a quizzical look on her face. She talks into a walkie-talkie.] [Cut to Trump being led by a security guard (not the real Donald Trump). The guard stops, and points to the Ape Guy, who sits dejected at a slot machine. He is not playing. Trump walks up to him.] Donald Trump: Look at you. You've lost all your money already, haven't you? [The Ape Guy slightly nods.] Donald Trump: C'mon. [Cut to Trump and Ape Guy walking around the casino. The Ape Guy is no longer excited, but quite reserved.] Donald Trump: This is all mine. (he sort of motions to the casino as a whole) Yup, all mine. [The Ape Guy slightly nods. They continue walking. They stop at a blackjack table. Trump touches the card shuffler, which sits next to the table.] Donald Trump: This card shuffler, this is mine. [The Ape Guy slightly nods. Trump touches the card shoe.] Donald Trump: This is mine. [The Ape Guy slightly nods. Trump touches a chair.] Donald Trump: This is mine. [The Ape Guy slightly nods. Trump steps over the felt rope barrier, which keeps people from entering the pit area, and steps behind the dealer (male). He puts his hands on the dealer’s shoulders, as if he were not a human, but a thing.] Donald Trump: This is mine. [The Ape Guy slightly nods. The dealer pauses and looks put off. Trump walks back to the player’s side. He faces the Ape Guy.] Donald Trump: Now for some action - would you like to play some blackjack? [The Ape Guy gets ecstatic.] Donald Trump: I take that as a yes. [They both sit down.] Donald Trump: Supervisor, get us ten thousand dollars each - put it on credit. [The Supervisor of the area nods to the dealer. The dealer counts up $20,000 in chips and pushes $10,000 to Trump, and $10,000 to the Ape Guy. So now they've both got 100 black chips each, in stacks of 10, so ten stacks each.] Dealer: Twenty thousand going out to Mr. Trump and his ape friend, on casino credit. (The supervisor nods and writes something on a notepad) Donald Trump: (as he places a $100 bet) Hundred dollars to start. (To Ape Guy) See, it doesn't matter if I win or lose, because it's all my money. [The Ape Guy sits there apprehensively. He just stares intently at the betting area.] Donald Trump: Well, aren't you going to place a bet? I mean, you’re the one who wanted to do some gambling. [The Ape Guy continues to stare as if thinking, and then looks down at his chips.] Donald Trump: Well? [The Ape Guy slowly pushes all his chips into the betting box.] Donald Trump: I gotta admit, I think you've got big balls, and I like that about you, but if you lose, you'll have nothing left, and then it's game over. [The Ape Guy just stares at the bet, leaning as close to it as possible. His hands are real fidgety, frantically tapping the table.] Donald Trump: You really do have a problem, you know that? Dealer: Last call for bets.... no more bets. (He waves his right hand over the table) [He deals out the cards, first one to the Ape Guy, then Trump, then to two other people who are at the table. Then he deals out the second card to the Ape Guy, who flies into the air when he see's the card, arms raised in celebration.] Donald Trump: I can't believe it, he got a blackjack. [The Ape Guy continues to wildly celebrate, first pounding on his chest, and then grunting like a real ape. He's in heaven.] Ape Guy: (Shouting, yet kind of grumbling to himself) MONEY!!! MONEY!!! [Groups of people gather round to see what all the commotion is about. A few people are heard asking what happened. One of the other players at the table informs them.] Player #1: (Excited) The Ape guy just won $15,000 with a blackjack! [The dealer pays out the $15,000, and the Ape Guy hungrily pulls all the chips towards him. He hoards the money under his arms. Then the dealer quickly plays out the rest of the hands. Trump plays out his hand and loses. He snaps his fingers in disappointment.] Donald Trump: Wow, your really big balls paid off this time. But I wouldn't push your luck. If you’re an astute gambler, you'll quit while you’re ahead. [The Ape Guy shakes his head. He then pushes all of his chips, all twenty five thousand dollars, into the betting box.] Donald Trump: Aw, come on, you're twenty three thousand dollars over the table limit! You're making me disgusted. [The Ape Guy just stares at his bet, fingers tapping excitedly. The crowd of people mumble amongst themselves in excitement. The supervisor has a look of concern on her face. She looks at Trump, who just shrugs.] Dealer: Supervisor, we won't be able to pay out his bet if he wins. We don't have that much money at the table. Supervisor: Ok, I'll call for more chips. Donald Trump: (While waiting for more chips) you know, I'm really beginning to have seconds thoughts about having chosen you to be my apprentice, even though you've got a gigantic set of balls. [A security guard arrives with a tray full of chips. He wears a geeky, baby blue dress shirt, and is played by the real Donald Trump. He seems nervous. He stands next to the dealer for a moment, apprehensively holding the tray.] Donald Trump: (snippy) well, you can put the chips down on the table already. [The guard hastily nods, and then quickly lurches towards the table. He stumbles and trips, dropping the tray onto the table, spilling hundreds of chips all over the place.] [A deafening silence follows, along with a long pause, as Trump, the Dealer, Ape Guy, and the Supervisor all stare at the Security guard as if he were the biggest idiot in the world. Then suddenly, 50 million people converge on the table, all screaming "MONEY". They feverishly gobble up all of the chips from the table and floor, jumping over top Trump and the Ape Guy; anything to get at the loose money. It's like a shark feeding frenzy. When the money is all gone, everyone clears out, except Trump, Ape Guy, the Dealer, Security guard and Supervisor.] [They all look like they've been thrashed within inches of their lives, and they have a look of bewilderment. The Supervisor collapses.] Donald Trump: (In a hushed tone) the horror...the horror... [The Ape Guy looks downright dejected. He then spots one last chip on the floor, quickly grabs it, and then places it in the betting area.] Security Guard: I'm sorry Mr. Trump, I tried to stop them, but there were just too many of them. Donald Trump: I'm sorry too.... but you’re fired. (He slumps onto the table, unconscious) THE END Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
