[Commercial begins with footage of an older lady (Dratch), whom is wearing a flower-patterned dress and has a head full of grey hair, sitting at a coffee table inside a house.]

Old Lady: One day, I was sitting in the kitchen crocheting when I began having heart palpitations. I didn’t know what to do, so I immediately picked up the phone and called my doctor. That’s when he said CFI Care! At first, I thought he was just being rude, but soon I realized he was being right! Thanks, CFI Care!

[Cut to scene of the pitchman (Hammond) sitting on a stool in a doctor’s office.]

[SUPER: Tom Jefferson for CFI Care Health Services]

Pitchman: Hello...I’m Tom Jefferson. No, not the Tom Jefferson! (a pause as he chuckles) I’m here to tell you about something new in the greater Trenton area...Cranston, Figglestein, and Ichabod health care services, or CFI Care. We are dedicated to providing quality health care services to all residents in and around the tri-state area.

[The pitchman gets up from the stool and begins moving toward the camera. He stops just short of it as it zooms in on his face.]

Pitchman: Our name is spreading fast, and although it may sound confusing or insulting at first...know that when you hear it, you’re being recommended to receive only the finest health care services around...that’s our promise at CFI Care. Listen now, to one of our many satisfied customers...

[Cut to footage of a construction worker (Thompson) at a job site. He is wearing a dirty plaid shirt and a hard had, and speaks in a gruff manner.]

Construction Worker: I was at the site one day when a big-ass box of ceramic tile was dropped on my foot. When I went to talk to my foreman about worker’s compensation, he was like, CFI Care! Well...I punched him in his face several times. Afterwards, my buddy told me he was talking about C-F-I...Care. Good choice boss...me and you were back to work in a week!

[Cut back to the pitchman.]

Pitchman: See...at CFI Care, we’re not worried about semantics or expressions commonly used to blow someone off...we’re only concerned with your health care needs.

[Cut to footage of a man (Forte) inside an office break room. He is wearing a white shirt and tie.]

Office Employee: When I was diagnosed with genital herpes, my wife was like...where did you get those, you whore? I had no answer, but she did...CFI Care! I, uh, called her a whore back before she kicked me out.

[Cut back to the pitchman.]

Pitchman: So, the next time one of your friends, relatives, or co-workers comes up to you prattling on about how they’re sick or whatever, tell ‘em CFI Care with confidence...because, although our name sounds jackass, our health care services aren’t!

[SUPER: Stinking SARS victims not welcome]

Announcer V/O: Enroll in our monthly checkup plan and receive two free rounds of golf at FUA Holes!

[Fade to black.]

[Special thanks to Ben Erickson for the concept.]