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Player.....Donald Trump David.....Will Forte Shannon.....Amy Poehler [Scene: A bus. David is sitting in his seat as the bus stops. Player gets on and sits next to him.] Player: Hey, man. Name's Chris, how you doing? David: I'm fine. My name's David. Player: David man, I am having the week of my life. Maybe it's the alignment of the planets I don't know, but every day this week I have been with a different woman. Each one more gorgeous than the last. David: Good for you. I'm...I'm not really into that. Player: Ah, you're a one woman guy eh? I'd like to be but I still haven't met that one woman who holds the key to my heart. I've met plenty who know the combination though...36-24-36. Mmm, mmm, mmm. David: Actually I'm more of a no woman guy. Player: What? You're a handsome young man my friend. What's the problem. David: It's kinda personal, I don't really want to talk about it...especially to some guy I just met on the bus...geez. [a beat] Player: Is the mp3 player in your pants stuck on 'Limp Bizkit'? David: What? Player: You know, the lady wants some hard rock but all you got is 'Limp Bizkit'? I got a guy can get you Viagra...in bulk. David: No, no it's not that. [a beat] Player: You got a tic tac in your pants? David: No, I don't have any tic tacs what are you talking about? Player: You know, the lady is expecting at least a twinkie or hoping for a twelve inch Subway sub but what you got to offer is way smaller. You just tell her...hey a tic tac may be small but it freshens your breath like no other. Works for me. David: Gross man. Look it's not like that. [A beat] Player: You got a drunk driver in your pants? David: What? Player: You know, he veers left out into traffic or takes a right into the ditch instead of going straight? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Whether you're playing with a pool cue or a hockey stick, hey, if you got the right moves you'll still be able to 'shoot one in'. (pats him on the back.)Go for the gold baby. David: Oh man. It's not that either. You want to know what my problem is that badly? Fine I'll show you. (unzips pants)There. [Shot is such that lower area is not visible. Player averts his gaze but then hears barking and turns towards David.] Player: What the hell? Is that a dingo in your pants? David: Yes. Yes it is. Player: What are you doing with a dingo in your pants man? David: I don't know. I've had him ever since he was a baby. Player: You better be careful he doesn't bite off your tic tac. David: Oh geez. Look the truth is...I don't have a penis. I lost it during a freak hacky sack accident. Along with it...I lost my will to live. But then something amazing happened. I woke up one morning and found a baby dingo where my penis used to be. I don't know what I'd have done without it. It gave me a reason to live. [David makes a motion like he's petting his dingo.] Player: Uh...I got to go. This is my stop. (Player rushes off. offscreen) This is the last time I take public transit. [David zips up his pants as Shannon sits down next to him.] Shannon: Um excuse me. Hi. My name is Shannon. David: Hi, I'm David. Shannon: Hi. Heh. I couldn't help but overhear...you...you have a dingo in your pants? David: (shyly) Yes. Shannon: May I...see it? David: Well...I don't usually go around showing my dingo to people but...okay. [David unzips his pants.] Shannon: Wow, he's beautiful. May I pet him? David: Well...he's not always friendly. [Shannon begins petting David's dingo which is out of shot. She lowers her head so that you can just see the back of her head still in shot.] Shannon: (offscreen) You're a good boy aren't you? Yes you are. You're a good boy. Heh heh, stop it, that tickles. David: I think he likes you. [Shannon lifts her head back up.] Shannon: Aw he's adorable. David: Really? You're not horrified or repulsed by that fact that, instead of a penis, I have a dingo living in my pants? Some people find that off putting. Shannon: I don't...not one bit. (Shannon gazes into David's eyes) Well, since you showed me yours I suppose I should show you mine. David: (nervously) Uh...look you don't have to. [Shannon unzips her pants after which we hear a loud cougar roar.] David: Is that a cougar in your pants? Shannon: Heh yeah. Cougar, panther, mountain lion, puma...whatever you want to call it. I don't know why there has to be so many names for it. David: Wow, it's beautiful. Shannon: Aww thanks. David: So...it doesn't like...you know cause trouble with your special equipment. Shannon: Actually, I don't have any special equipment. You see...I lost my vagina during a freak shuffleboard accident. Along with it I lost my will to live. That is...until I woke up one morning and found a cougar living in my pants. It was the happiest day of my life. David: Wow...that's almost exactly what happened...to me. Shannon: I know...I couldn't believe it when I heard you talking about it... David: May I touch it? Shannon: Well...be careful. It nearly bit my last boyfriend's hand right off. In retrospect I probably should have told him about it sooner. [David begins petting Shannon's cougar. A loud purring sound can be heard.] Shannon: She likes you. David: She's so soft and cute. [David and Shannon lose themselves in each other's gaze and kiss. Suddenly the sounds of a dingo growling and an angry cougar hiss can be heard.] David: Oh no... Shannon: Cougar no! [Suddenly the angry animal sounds give way to a dingo whimper and tongue lick and a loud cat purr. David and Shannon smile.] Shannon: My cougar sure likes your dingo. David: And my dingo sure likes your cougar. And I sure like you... [David and Shannon kiss passionately. The sound of purring increases and increases. Scene continues like that for awhile. A loud moanful dingo howl fills the air. David and Shannon look down and then smile at each other.] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
