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Count Dracula.....Darrell Hammond
[Scene: Commercial fade in. Darkness fades as camera pulls back and Count Dracula's cape opens.] Count Dracula: Hello everyone. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Count Dracula. Those that do know me know that I'm one hell of a blood sucker. (bares fangs) But don't worry I'm no longer in the monster racket. I've become a man of business, putting to use the knowledge I've garnered over the last 600 years of doing what I know best. And that's why I'm here today, to introduce you to a wonderful new product...(holds up box with cartoon half-body likeness of him on it) Dracula Brand Tampons. Count Dracula: I know you're thinking, 'Omigosh, it sounds perfect!', why haven't I seen this product in stores before. Bwah ha ha. Well it's taken time to perfect things. But we have and here it is...what America has been waiting for. The perfect tampon. Having your period has never been easier. What makes my product so special? Many things. [Cut to graphic of product set against non-descript backdrop.] Count Dracula: (v/o) First, we start with our patented extra absorbant 100% hypoallergenic vampiric fibres. What other brand can say that? None, we have a patent! Bwah ha ha ha. [Show cross-section of product with arrow pointing at it and super blinking 'extra absorbent 100% hypoallergenic vampiric fibres.'.] Count Dracula: (v/o) Now maybe you've heard of other products that have wings? [Shows graphic of product with bat wings flapping on either side.] Count Dracula: (v/o) Well, I think that idea is just batty! [Shows graphic of product flying away. Original product appears again.] Count Dracula: (v/o) Instead, we've added fangs. [Fangs appear in centre portion of product] Count Dracula: (v/o) Our patented fang technology locks in the juicy goodness and prevents any messy leaks. (pause)But perhaps most revolutionary is our recycling plan. That's right, our product is %100 recyclable. After you're done with it simply place it in the zip-loc/manilla evelope package we provide and mail it to our recycling plant free of charge. [During previous speech show very crude computer graphic of a happy woman placing a white bundle into an envelope and mailing it. Then show mailman knocking on door of Count Dracula's. Count Dracula grabs package and looks inside and is ecstatic. Cut back to Count Dracula hastily throwing away an envelope and wiping his mouth.] Count Dracula: So what are you waiting for? Don't be the last on your block to own America's soon to be #1 brand of tampon. [Cut to graphic showing box of Count Dracula Brand Tampons with normal sized cartoon Count Dracula on the box.] Count Dracula: (v/o) In regular. Light flow. [Graphic of first box now flanked by a box of 'Light flow Count Dracula Brand Tampons' with a very skinny cartoon Count Dracula on the box.] Count Dracula: (v/o) And heavy flow. [Graphic with first and second box joined by 'Heavy flow Count Dracula Brand Tampons' with a very obese cartoon Count Dracula on the box. Cut back to Count Dracula smiling and holding all three boxes. Count Dracula: Count Dracula Brand Tampons. Tampons from a name you can trust. Bwah ha ha ha. [A computer generated sparkle appears on his most visible right fang for a split second along with 'ping' sound effect and super 'Dracula Brand Tampons. Soon to be America's #1 tampon In stores now!'] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
