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Jim…..Donald Trump The Recruit…..Seth Meyers INT. – HALLWAY THE RECRUIT stands in front of plaques that have collections of male individuals’ pictures clustered together, indicating he is in the house of some fraternity or society. JIM approaches. Jim: (suave and sophisticated) You appear to be enamored, young man. The Recruit: (surprised) Oh, hey. Oh…I’m fine, sir. Jim: (chuckles lightly) You don’t have to call me sir. I’m Jim Saunders, president of alumni for the Marionettes. The Recruit: Oh, wow…that’s awesome. I’m being recruited for induction. Jim: That’s great. It’s amazing that the Harvard Marionettes are inducting new members for the 221st straight year. The Recruit: Wow, you guys have been around for a while. Jim: We have. It’s an honor to be part of this secret society and its tradition-rich history. The Recruit: Yeah…I just hope I can be a part of it, you know? Jim: Oh, son…don’t worry. If you’re chosen for induction, you’ll likely make it. But, along the way, you’ll have to show us you’re Marionette material. There have been some greats pass through these hallowed halls. The Recruit: Like who? Jim: Well, let’s see…six Presidents, fourteen Supreme Court justices, hundreds of men prominent in industry and business…tons. But, we’ve had our share of oddballs. The Recruit: Really? Jim: You remember Ted Kaczynski, right? The Recruit: Yeah! The Unabomber was a Marionette?? Jim: Unfortunately, yes. I mean, it’s one of those things you look back on and think, “Man, I can’t believe I used to share needles with that guy,” you know? The Recruit: (bothered slightly) Sure, uh… Jim: But then, guys like Dahmer come along and really make up for it. The Recruit: Jeffrey Dahmer??? Jim: That’s him. Great cook, that guy…absolutely great. Too bad he went off his rocker. He really could’ve been somebody. The Recruit: (ambivalent) Yeah, I bet… Jim: You know he was the first Marionette to alter the initiation ritual since FDR? Of course, I can’t divulge the specifics…but hopefully, you’ll find out soon enough. The Recruit: (nervous) Oh, uh… Jim: And I shant forget Pot. The Recruit: What? Jim: Pol Pot. He was a Marionette. The Recruit: You mean the dictator who killed, like, all those Cambodians in the 70’s? Jim: Thirty percent, to be exact. Yeah, ol’ Pothead did a lot of good for that country, in retrospect. The Recruit: You consider the mass murder of all those people to be good? Jim: It was about Polsmoker’s vision, kid. In light of that, the violent, execution-style deaths of millions of women, children, and intellectuals is, at worst, collateral damage. The Recruit: (shocked) Are you kidding me??? What’s next…are you gonna tell me Hitler was a Marionette? Jim: Not officially. He’s actually the first man to be initiated as a Marionette without ever stepping foot on American soil. The Recruit: What??? Jim: Hitler was, as former Marionette and current world leader Kim Jong Il once said, “the ideal Marionette”…down to his neatly trimmed moustache, one-armed salute, and desire to put insubordinates in camps. The Recruit: Oh, God… Jim: Sadly, the good furor’s membership was revoked in 1965 by Harvard administration. Damn Jews, right? The Recruit: I’m half-Jewish! Jim: Oh, well you may not be a big fan of tonight’s speaker. The Recruit: Who’s tonight’s speaker? Jim: Louis Farrakhan. He broke the Marionette’s color barrier in the early 70’s. We’re really making an attempt to diversify. The Recruit: Dude, I’m…I can’t do this… Jim: Whoa, whoa…easy there. I know those are some lofty standard-bearers I mentioned, but don’t be intimidated. Every one of us has big shoes to fill. The Recruit: It’s not that, I mean, it’s that…I don’t know if I can be a part of a club that dictators and mass murderers were once members of, you know? Jim: Mass murderers? Dictators? Man, you’re really judgmental! I’m sorry. We can’t offer you membership. The Recruit: Oh, because I’m judgmental…but not a merciless enough killer? Jim: Pretty much…yeah. The Recruit: Fine, I’m outta here! [The recruit walks away briskly. Jim takes out his walkie-talkie cell.] Jim: Florian, Hans…a Jew’s loose in the building. Alert all reinforcements…he must not leave! I need him for an experiment! [Jim appears satisfied as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
