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Bob.....Will Forte Officer 1.....Donald Trump Officer 2.....Finesse Mitchell {Open to Bob (Forte) standing in a cream colored room with a broken-in brown arm chair in the corner next to a bedside table with a cordless phone on it. Bob enters the room, walks to a large pet cage which houses a big, brown obviously fake, puppet-like snake.} Bob: {Peering into the cage, in a slow, simple twangy accent} Hello, Morty. How's it going? Lonely? I know the feeling. Well, don't worry, your best buddy Bobby here's. And I know I said we'd go for a ride and that I was going to bring one of those buggies you hook on to the back of your bike for your baby and we could go on a bike ride - but it turns out that mama's using it for an earth worm farm. {Awkward pause} So - I thought you could just sit on the floor for a while. I mean, it's the cool thing to do right now. Everybody's sitting on the floor. I often find myself sitting on the floor of this very room. {He opens the cage and lifts out the large snake, petting it on the head.} Mama once told me never to take you out. That you would get lost, or run away. I said "That's silly mama, Morty can't run away, he ain't got no legs." Then she hit me. {Pauses before bending down, allowing the snake to slither on the floor} Uh - also, if it's all right you with you, could we not tell my landlord, because I'm not even supposed to have a snake. {Laughs nervously} They're "forbidden." So, anyway, out of respect for my living situation I'm going to ask that you not cross (Draws an imaginary line on the floor) this line. {Snake slithers toward him} Okay, I respect your wishes. I am not the only one in this room and in this relationship. We've got have give and take if we want it to work. {Backing up towards the chair and draws another line} How about this line? I feel like this a good compromise? {The snake keeps advancing} No? Well, now I feel like you may be neglecting my feelings and personal space. {Motioning and continuing to back away from the snake which keeps advancing} This is my space; it's my own little bubble of paradise and wonderland and I am not prepared to give it up. I want this to work, but I need me to be in the equation. I feel as if there's a whole lot of giving on my end and all taking on your end. {Bob falls back into the chair and the snake unhinges its jaw and consumes both of his feet} Do you see what I'm saying? Look at you! Look at yourself. You only take! {The snake begins consuming Bob} Take! Take! Take! Do I mean anything to you? Do you even hear what I'm saying? {Bob starts snapping his fingers to get the snake's attention. The snake pauses for a moment at his knees} Thank you. I'm glad you're finally willing to hear me out. It's really the only way we'll make this - {The snake restarts consuming Bob but at a faster rate. Bob suddenly worried for his life and safety reaches out and grabs the phone.} {Dialing 911} Hello? I am the victim of domestic abuse! I need assistance immediately! I am being taken advantage of by my snake. He's eating away at my very heart and soul, and body in a literal sense. Please hurry. {Turns and speaks to the snake} You just wait; when the authorities get here you are in for a real disciplining, Mister. {The snake passes over his chest, forcing his arms above his head, and continues eating. A montage of contorted facial expressions ensues until the snake reaches just below his head} I just wish we coulda talked about this. We had such a great thing going, Morty. We still could! I could learn to live with you being in my personal space, my wonderland is big enough for the both of us. And, I'm sure I could talk mama out of her earth worm farm. Sooner or later it's going to smell, and even though mama can't smell nothing the neighbors can, and they'll take her ass to court. Morty, speak to me Morty. Give me a sign you understand, that everything's going to be -- (In one final and fatal lunge the snake consumes all of Bob's head leaving only the tips of his arms, still clutching the phone. It falls melodramatically out of his hand and the snake slithers up consuming the last bits of Bob.} {The door flies open revealing two police officers (Trump and Mitchell), Officer 1 (Trump) holding a brief case, officer 2 (Mitchell) holding a gun.} Officer 2: Freeze! {They stare, confused at the empty room} Officer 1: Wasn't there a domestic disturbance here? Bob: (from within the snake) Help! He's invaded my personal space. {The officers scream like two little girls} Officer 1: It's a demon snake! Bob: (from within the snake) Ah! A demon snake! Mommy! (Officer 2 shoots the snake, Bob, from within the snake, writhes in pain gives a wail of death and then all is quiet. The two officers shrug it off.) Officer 1: Well, it looks like whoever called in the disturbance is gone. And uh - we've got time so - Officer 2: You want to pick up where we left off? Officer 1: (Opens the briefcase and pulls out a scrabble board game which he sets up on the floor) This time you can't just add a suffix. Officer 2: What about suffixes? Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
