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Ms. Grundy...Rachel Dratch Mr. Weatherbee...Darrell Hammond Kendra...Janet Jackson Archie...Jimmy Fallon Reggie...Seth Meyers Jughead...Fred Armisen Dilton...Chris Parnell Betty...Amy Poehler Veronica...Maya Rudolph Spokesman...Finesse Mitchell [Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead, Reggie, and Dilton are among the students in Ms. Grundy's history class. Ms. Grundy is in the middle of her lecture.] Ms. Grundy: But when Uncle Tom's Cabin was published... (Mr. Weatherbee enters the classroom with Kendra, an African-American transfer student) Mr. Weatherbee: Excuse me, Ms. Grundy, I'm sorry to interrupt your class, but we have a new student today. Ms. Grundy: (annoyed) Another one, Waldo? Great. Mr. Weatherbee: Class, I'd like you to meet Kendra. She just moved to Riverdale from New York City. Ms. Grundy: Well, you have great timing, Kendra. We just started on slavery, so you should feel right at home. Kendra: (meekly) Thanks. Mr. Weatherbee: Well, I'll let you get back to your lecture. I need to go put some fires out. (pause) Literally, ACTUAL fires. It's a LONG story...(leaves) (Kendra takes a seat next to Archie, and Ms. Grundy continues with her lecture) Archie: (to himself) Wow...she looks amazing. Reggie: (whispers to Archie) Yeah, but c'mon, you know you don't have a chance with her. Heck, I don't think even I, the great Reggie Mantle, have a chance with her. Archie: You're probably right, but you know what? I'm going to go for it. I think I'm ready for a mature, adult relationship. Jughead: Yeah, go for it, Arch. You already have two girlfriends. Might as well go for a third. Reggie: Whatever...it's your funeral. (Archie leans towards Kendra) Archie: Hi, I'm Archie, your typical teenager. Welcome to Riverdale. Kendra: (looks at Archie) You'll do. [Scene: Ms. Grundy's classroom, A few days later; Class is about to start] (Archie strolls into class with Kendra) Dilton: (upset) Archie, you were supposed to me meet at the library last night so we could start our English project! Archie: Gee, cut me some slack, D-Dog. Aw-ight? Dilton: Excuse me? Kendra: You heard him! You need to have some fun, four-eyes! Archie: Four-eyes? (laughs uncontrollably) That's hilarious! (pause) I mean, that is totally for-schizel! (awkward pause) Anyway, let me make it up to you. Have some of this. (gives Dilton a bag of cocaine) Dilton: What is this? Archie: Just try some after school. You won't regret it. (Archie and Kendra take their seats in the back row of the class) Jughead: (surprised) Why is he talking like that? Betty: That girl is a bad influence on him. Veronica: She certainly is. Archie didn't even notice my new designer shoes! [Scene: Ms. Grundy's classroom, A few weeks later; The bell rings, ending class] Archie: I'll see you pimps and whores later. Peace out! Reggie: Okay, ignoring what you just said, why are you in such a good mood? You got an F on the test we just got back. Archie: Well, I've changed. I guess you could say that I'm not the world's typical teenage BOY anymore. (laughs as he and Kendra leave the classroom) Veronica: What did he mean by that? Jughead: I heard that Archie's dad caught the two of them doing it. Betty: (puzzled) Doing what? What were they doing? (Reggie whispers into Betty's ear and does some hand motions to demonstrate) Betty: (horrified) What?! NO! (in shock) Archie and I were supposed to....on our...AGGHH! (starts screaming and then runs out of the room) Veronica: (angry) Come on, Reggie! I'll teach Archie to do it before I do! (grabs Reggie and starts dragging him out of the room) Reggie: (excited) Yes! Jughead: Well, this can't possibly end well... [Scene: Ms. Grundy's classroom, A few months later; Class is about to start] (Betty, suffering from a mental breakdown, is in a straight-jacket; Veronica is noticeably pregnant; Dilton is snorting some cocaine under his desk; Reggie is scratching himself "down there;" Jughead enters the classroom.) Jughead: Have you guys seen Archie today? Veronica: No. Why? Jughead: You won't believe it... (Kendra and Archie enter the classroom. Archie is in blackface.) Archie: Wa'sup homies? (Betty and Veronica scream, and the lights dim as the Spokesman steps onto the stage) Spokesman: Hello. What you just saw was an attempt to update Archie and his friends for a contemporary audience. I mean, let's face it. Kids today don't want to read about going to the malt shop or how Archie is going to handle two dates at the same time. We figure that by turning Archie into a fan of black culture, we can appeal to the Eminem/50 Cent crowd. Moreover, by dealing with teen pregnancy, mental breakdowns, sex, and drug addiction, we think that it'll really be representative of kids today. I think we've accomplished what we set out to do. Goodnight. [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
