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President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell
Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States. Bush: Good evening. Over the past two weeks, it has been revealed that members of the Bush administration had prior knowledge of September 11th. I am here tonight to give closure to the nation's questioning; these allegations are entirely true. The Bush administration did, in fact, know September 11th would occur, directly following September the 10th. That's right, despite obvious calendar indications, news of the 11th's approach, exactly one month after August 11th, were blatantly ignored. Bush: Unfortunately, the charges don't rest there. The CIA also has knowledge of other calendar days, including August 4, April 25th, and November 1st. The June 13th event is expected to cause widespread chaos, when the Olsen twins turn 18. Also, just recently, insider reports have indicated a 29th day in February… to occur every 4 years. My own personal research has lead to a startling revelation. Every 28 days, most women get real mean. Obviously an effect of terrorism. Bush: I wish I could say your government has always kept you, the American citizen informed. But guess what, there's more. Once a year, the government monitors a covert importation of packages to houses late at night in neighborhoods across the country. Intelligence indicates the mastermind behind this operation is a fat man dressed in red, who answers to the name Chris Cringle. Rest assured, as of 0100 hours this morning, I have sent our troops to the Northern Pole to eliminate Mr. Cringle as a threat. Fear not, America. You can now tell your children to their faces, they will never again experience a December 25th for as long as they live. And if we find weapons of mass destruction, that's cool too. Bush: I realize my administration has made mistakes. I realize these revelations don't undo the damage that has been done, nor should it convince you to re-elect me as President. That's why come November, I urge American citizens to vote for the best man to be President of the United States. As long as it isn't Kerry. Thank you, God Bless, and, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
