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.....Janet Jackson Eminem.....Chris Parnell Howard Stern.....Jimmy Fallon Oprah Winfrey.....Maya Rudolph Bubba The Love Sponge.....Will Forte (A room filled with people, mostly men, milling about. Waiters are walking around with drinks and hors d'oeuvres. Eminem is sitting by himself. He recites some of his rap lyrics, except he recites them as if they were poetry.) Eminem: So the FCC won't let me be Or let me be me, so let me see They try to shut me down on MTV But it feels so empty without me… (Janet pokes her head out of a doorway, looking a bit confused.) Janet: Hello? Is this the right place? I got an invitation… Eminem: Janet, is that you? Janet: Marshall? Hey, do you know what this is all about? I got this thing talking about an "Enemies of the FCC" convention… Eminem: Yeah, this is the place. Janet: What's the FCC? Eminem: Aw, man…okay, remember the, uh… Janet: Incident at the Super Bowl where I exposed myself to America? Yes, I think I can recall. Eminem: Yeah, well, the FCC is the people who got all mad and cracked down on everyone. Before, they just picked on people like me, who go out of their way to piss people off. So the targets meet every once and awhile to strategize. Come on, I'll show you around, introduce you to everyone. Janet: Okay. (She follows him.) Eminem: (He stops and gestures towards a man surrounded by women who are obviously hookers/strippers.) This is one of the greats of our time, Howard Stern. (Janet immediately looks uncomfortable and tries to find a way to escape, but Stern has already turned around. He raises his eyebrows.) Stern: Well, if it isn't the little bitch that caused the big hubbub. Or should I say, hubboob? Janet: Aw, come off it, Howard…(weakly) everyone makes mistakes, right? Stern: (He speaks to one of the strippers.) Please slap her. And then go in the bathroom and take off your clothes. (She slaps Janet, who is too surprised to defend herself in time. Then the stripper exits.) (Janet starts to go after the stripper, but Eminem holds her back.) Eminem: It's not worth it, just chill. Take deep breaths… Janet: (Still pissed off) Just shove it, Mathers. Stern: I hope you're happy, now that the FCC has finally got off their ass and done something. It seems you're trying for a career in politics, because the little music stint didn't work. You don't deserve to be here. Janet: I'll have you know I am a very successful woman… Oprah: (Pushes a bunch of people out of the way to interrupt Janet, including Eminem.) But not as successful as ME! Stern: Oh, God help us, it's her… Oprah: Hello, Howard. How are you feeling today? Stern: Sexually deprived, Oprah, thanks for asking. Oprah: I heard what you said about me. Stern: Oh, about how it's okay for you to talk about "tossed salads" and "rainbow parties" on your talk show and I can't use obscure sexual terms on my show? How when I played the clip of your show, it was bleeped out for inappropriate content? Oprah: I think it's obvious that you have a problem with successful black women. Stern: Ha! And I thought I was the one who used politics for my own convenience. Bush and the FCC suck, by the way. Oprah: You would know an awful lot about sucking, wouldn't you? Stern: That reminds me, I have an appointment in the bathroom, and I'm late. (Goes off after the stripper.) Oprah: There he goes, running away from his problems… Bubba The Love Sponge: (offstage) EEE! (A giant mound of spongy material charges through the crowd.) Oprah: AHH! (She runs away. Before the sponge can get to Janet, Eminem's leg sticks up from the floor in what would presumably be the groin, if the area was not covered in spongy material.) Bubba: (He winces, and doubles over, as much as he can, anyway.) Great galloping gonads! Janet: Um, what? Who are you? Bubba: I am Bubba the Luurve Sponge. I used to host a talk show, which, dare I say, was more offensive than Mr. Stern's. I got kicked off the air first by Clear Channel. (Everyone starts to get up, including Eminem.) Eminem: Unless you want me to put a clear channel through your head, asshole, get out before you kill someone. (Bubba leaves, looking rather disappointed.) Sorry you had to deal with that, Janet. Janet: You know, I appreciate what you guys are doing, but I think politics is a little too intense for me to, uh, do stuff with. Y'know. Eminem: Yeah. See ya. (She exits, and Eminem goes back to his poetry corner during the fade out.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
