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Neighbor.....Darrell Hammond Flag Owner.....Chris Parnell EXT. LAWN – DAY NEIGHBOR walks up to FLAG OWNER, who is standing by a flag pole. Neighbor: (looking up) Wow! That’s a nice flag you got there. Flag Owner: Thanks, neighbor. It’s hand-woven. Put me back a few shekels, that’s for sure. Neighbor: I bet. But it’s worth it, right…to show your patriotism during these times? Flag Owner: (almost tearfully) Of course! I love the flag…I’d die for it! [They both salute with fervor.] Neighbor: So…how big is that thing? Flag Owner: It’s pretty big…I’m not sure of the dimensions, but I’ll tell ya this…it’s the biggest one I could find. Neighbor: It’s as big as a bedsheet. Flag Owner: Exactly. Neighbor: Yeah, I know. Flag Owner: No, I don’t think you know. I actually use it as a bedsheet. Neighbor: (slightly miffed) What? Flag Owner: Me and the wife use our flag in bed. I mean, I say I love the flag, right? But trust me…she loves it much, much more. Neighbor: Wait a sec…use it in bed? Flag Owner: Sure. I mean, I don’t just take it down for nothing! Neighbor: So…you, uh… Flag Owner: We make love on the flag, yes. Neighbor: Oh, God! Flag Owner: God is right. (very serious) In God we trust! (salutes flag again) Neighbor: No, no…stop! I’m sayin’…that’s pretty strange! I mean, I’ve never heard of the American flag used in such a way! Flag Owner: Well, I haven’t either…but a few years ago I started taking it down to use as a bath towel, and… Neighbor: (interrupting) You disrespected the flag by using it as a towel??? Flag Owner: Oh, no disrespect, neighbor. I just loved the fresh, freedomy smell that would emanate from my body on days I used it. Neighbor: (stunned) Freedomy? Flag Owner: Anyway, I was drying off one morning when I suddenly got really, really horny. I guess it was something about those stars and bars rubbing against my junk that drove me wild! Neighbor: (repulsed) Oh, no… Flag Owner: So yeah, it became an impromptu catch-rag, right? Later on, I’m tellin’ my wife about the whole thing and suddenly she’s got the shakes. Needless to say, we did it right there in the kitchen on top of it. She saluted seven times! Neighbor: Jesus…(drops head) Flag Owner: With that, we started our own little patriotic tradition. I mean, we were both crushed by the attacks on Sept. 11th, but I’m tellin’ ya, the thing that got us through was being able to sing the national anthem nude while engaging in reverse, side-entry missionary sex with Old Glory beneath us. Neighbor: (fed up) Please stop! Flag Owner: Stop what? Neighbor: What you’re doing with the flag…it’s unpatriotic! Flag Owner: No, you’re unpatriotic for questioning my patriotism! I was in ROTC for eight months in college, buddy! I earned the right to bang my wife on top of the red, white and blue! Neighbor: You son of a bitch!!! Flag Owner: What??? Neighbor: You heard me! You…wait a minute, you were in ROTC? Flag Owner: (angrily) I sure was! Neighbor: (happily) So was I! Flag Owner: (suddenly happy) Really??? Neighbor: Damn, yeah! War is hell! Flag Owner: You’re tellin’ me! Havin’ to get up every morning and run around campus! Neighbor: And doing jumping jacks and squat thrusts before breakfast! Flag Owner: And what about the times the sarge would strip you down to your bare ass and scrub your body with a wire brush and Comet! Can you believe it? Ouch! Neighbor: (not relating to that one) Yeah, uh…listen, neighbor, I’m sorry for coming down so hard on you a second ago. I mean, had I known you were a real veteran, like me, I wouldn’t have done that. Flag Owner: Hey, no hard feelings, man. Neighbor: I appreciate it. (a beat) You know, maybe you could let me borrow your flag sometime. It might really spice things up in the bedroom... Flag Owner: Get your own, draft dodger! [Both laugh vigorously as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
