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Scott Risdale.....Darrell Hammond Carter MacAbee.....Chris Parnell [ fade in on logo ] Scott Risdale: Welcome back to "Life Today", where we interview the people who are turning life around us into news worth talking about. I'm your host - Scott Risdale. With each passing day, new laws and propositions are brought into our frame of consciousness, the land that once belonged to the free becoming more and more rules-oriented with fewer and fewer people wishing to co-operate with the higher-ups invading our way of life. One minute, security cameras are being installed in public restrooms; the next minute, our President is attempting to use the Constitution to ban same-sex marriages. Are our basic human rights at stake, or should authority figures be allowed to dictate who can and cannot exist in our society? Our guest today is an average American citizen, who hopes to use new propositions in his campaign for the City Council to return America to its once-wholesome frame of existence. Please welcome Carter MacAbee to the program. How are you, Mr. MacAbee? Carter MacAbee: Well, thank you, first of all, Scott, for pronouncing my name correctly. I can't begin to tell you how many idiots pronounce it "McAbee", or "Macabe", or even put caution to the wind and just call me "Mac." If there's one thing I will not tolerate, it's idiots - either by their own misfortune in life, or through untamed ignorance. Scott Risdale: Alright, fair enough. Now, you've come out on record as having said that, and I quote, "Stupid people are the bane of society, responsible for the backwards arrogance that has led foreign nations to make fun of us at every possible chance." What do you mean by that? Carter MacAbee: Well, Scott, my impression was that you are a smart man who should know exactly what I mean by that? Scott Risdale: Which I do.. but, for the sake of our viewing audience, if you could please explain. Carter MacAbee: [ shifty-eyed ] So, you're saying your target demographic is the stupid and uninformed. Scott Risdale: [ sighs ] We're supposed to be discussing the issue, not assuming we already know what the other one is talking about. Otherwise, I could just spend the hour discussing issues with a bag of flour. Carter MacAbee: Not only would that be a stupid decision, Scott, but it would be downright insane. Scott Risdale: Speaking of insane suggestions, I understand that you're organizing a campaign to outlaw stupidity in America. How do you hope to accomplish such a mission? Carter MacAbee: Well, Scott, I don't think I need to explain to you that our once-great nation has been on a downward spiral for the past several years, and it all boils down to the fact that Americans are becoming dumber with each passing minute. I offer as evidence reality shows on television, pop singers cutting albums in lieu of visible talent, and the weekly crossword puzzle found in the back of TV Guide. Scott Risdale: And you propose eliminating these unnecessary evils from our society? Carter MacAbee: Those are just the tip of the iceberg, but they are adequate starting points. As bad as those three things are, they're really made worse by the stupid people who actively embrace them as a part of their lives. The reality is that the people producing this crap are the smart ones, for being able to exploit the stupidity of the major population for personal financial gain. While I certainly have no problem with making a fast buck, I'd find greater satisfaction in punishing - nay, destroying - the percentage of stupid people in America. Scott Risdale: Excuse me? Destroying? Carter MacAbee: What you have to understand, Scott, is that stupid people have an incredible knack for reproduction, mostly because they don't have the brainpower needed to operate condoms and birth control devices. The circle of life that helped man develop from apes will bring us right back where we started, unless my propositions bring about the destruction of our nation's stupid people. Scott Risdale: Exactly what sort of penalties are you hoping to enforce? Carter MacAbee: I'm thinking death. I know that's pretty bold punishment, but, with the world's overpopulation crisis, it's not altogether feasible to exile these people to remote parts of the planet. I considered having them shipped to Mars, but when I compared the costs of a space flight versus death, it would be stupid not to choose death. Scott Risdale: Despite the ethical ramifications? Carter MacAbee: Scott, you're thinking like a stupid person. Scott Risdale: Well, wait a minute. Wouldn't you agree that the problem with stupid people is that they don't stop to think before they act? Carter MacAbee: True enough. Most of them stand in the middle of supermarket aisles, mouth agape, staring at boxes of Hamburger Helper under the assumption that the little white glove is relaying a private message to them. I'd like to strangle each one of them personally and burn the remains to a crisp. Scott Risdale: My God, you are out of your mind. Carter MacAbee: No, sir. I've given this a great deal of thought. Rational, well-meaning thought. A stupid person would react on impulse, but a smart man knows how to do it without leaving a paper trail. Scott Risdale: I think you're a disturbing man. I would be more than happy to warn all the stupid people of your devious plans, but I'm afraid they would have no idea what I was talking about. Carter MacAbee: I can guarantee it. They'll just look at you blankly and go, "Hurph?" Scott Risdale: [ shakes his head ] Incredible. [ turns to the camera ] As usual, I'd like to apologize for the outrageous thought processes of today's guest. If you're smart, you won't take Mr. MacAbee serious. If you're stupid, then.. well, think about puppy dogs and cotton candy, because your time is up, my friends. Until next time, make the most out of life, while we make it.. "Life Today". Good night! [ fade out on logo ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
