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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! In political news this week, President Bush admitted that he and his staff did not have the proper information available to prevent 9/11. When Bush was later asked by the press if he still believed there needed to be a bill outlawing same sex marriage, he said, "Silly voters, penises go in the vaginas." On Thursday, as the 9/11 commission was hearing testimony from the national security advisor Condoleezza Rice, President Bush was hosting a get-together with fishermen and hunters at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. A photo-op occurred when President Bush was fishing and caught something everyone has been looking for…weapons of mass destruction. Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week the recent lawsuit against Tyco industry executives was declared a mistrial due to a nullified jury. One juror in particular, juror #4, said that she feared for her life and was "very very scared." The judge was later quite embarrassed when he found out she was talking about the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Variety Hour. 
Jimmy Fallon: In entertainment news this week it was announced that A-Team star Mr. T would be appearing in the upcoming Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Variety Hour on ABC. Well Mr. T, which fool do you think we are pitying now? Tina Fey: A severed head found in a plastic bag on a park bench in northern Honduras was accompanied by a note to President Ricardo Maduro. The note, which read: "Maduro old man, we are so hungry we are eating people," was left in response to an ordered crackdown on youth gangs. You know, I find it really disgusting when people don't finish the food on their plate. Jimmy Fallon: John Kerry said this week, that the United States is in a mess with Iraq. Asked what he could do to help, Kerry said, “My plan is to get the nation of Iraq injected with botox, and let nature take it’s course. Hey, it worked for me!” With the success of The Rock’s new film “Walking Tall”, film executives have already ordered for the production of a prequel to The Rock vehicle, starring midget actor Vern Troyer, called “Walking Short”. Tina Fey: In science news this week, astronomers are on the lookout for asteroids that will collide with the earth and will find every single one that is a possible threat. No need to worry, this investigation is being handled by those behind the Bush administration. According to Finnish researchers, eating chocolate during pregnancy can have a positive impact on a newborn baby's behavior. However, eating chocolate mixed with peanut butter will spawn evil offspring from Hell. Jimmy Fallon: This April 23 marks the 440th anniversary of the birth of the great playwright William Shakespeare. Admirers of the Bard, however, are in a somber mood due to recently uncovered evidence that taints his legacy; evidence suggesting that Shakespeare did not write his works, but that they were, in fact, produced by one thousand monkeys working at a thousand tiny printing presses for an indefinite amount of time. Tina Fey: Debra Messing, star of "Will and Grace", gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Wednesday. Messing currently holds the world record for most men present at a baby shower. Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
