INT. Chinese Restaurant

JAMES (Meyers) and MIKE (Forte) are sitting at a table.

The WAITER (Armisen) approaches.

Waiter: (heavy Chinese accent) How are you doing today, sirs?

Mike: Oh, we’re fine, sir.

Waiter: That good. Have you decided what you are to eat this evening?

Mike: Not quite...are you ready, James?

James: Nah.

Waiter: That okay. You have plenty time. Can I take your drink orders?

Mike: (looks at the menu) Hmm...so many choices. I tell ya what...just a Coke for me.

Waiter: Coke for you, sir...and how about you?

James: (also looking at the menu) I’ll have...I’ll have a water, I guess.

Waiter: (scribbling on a pad) Ok, water...and...Coke?

Mike: Yeah...and could you, by any chance, put pee-pee in my Coke, please?

Waiter: Yes...(a beat) what???

Mike: If you could just put some of your pee-pee in my Coke...I’d be greatly appreciative.

Waiter: Oh, I get it. Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke. It funny joke, huh?

Mike: Um, James...you heard that before?

James: Never in my life...

Mike: Me either...

Waiter: We do not put pee-pee in Coke sir.

Mike: What? Really?

Waiter: No sir.

Mike: Well, I’ll be...they do down at Chen Sing Buffet...and you don’t even have to ask!

Waiter: Well, sir...this is not Chen Sing, this is Liu Sing, and here, we do not have buffet.

Mike: But could you put pee-pee in my Coke? I mean it’s real simple...you just unzip your pants, position the cup near your...

Waiter: (interrupting) I know how to put pee-pee in your Coke!

Mike: (chuckles) I’ll bet you do!

Waiter: No, wait...what I meant to say is, I know how to do it, but I not going to.

Mike: Why not?

Waiter: Because...that very, very gross mister.

Mike: I’ll have you know pee-pee contains several essential nutrients lacking in many of today’s most popular beverages...especially soft drinks like Coke!

James: Yeah...it’s got calcium, phosphates...

Mike: I think it’s got some Vitamin B too, but...

Waiter: (acquiescing) Ok, whatever...I go put pee-pee in your Coke!

Mike: Thank you, sir. (a beat as the waiter walks away) Finally!

James: Yeah...

Mike: I can’t believe they don’t put pee-pee in Cokes here!

James: I know! I mean, it’s an essential aspect of the Chinese dining experience!

Mike: Darn tootin’!

[The waiter returns.]

Waiter: Ok, sir...here your water...and, sir...here your Coke.

Mike: Did you put pee-pee in it?

Waiter: Yeah...uh...I put pee-pee in myself.

Mike: (takes a sip and spits it out) What the hell is this?

Waiter: (more nervously) What...what is problem?

Mike: (loudly) Listen, I can tell the difference between human pee-pee and cat pee-pee, ok! How stupid do you think I am???

Waiter: I so, so sorry mister! I...

Mike: (interrupting) Cat pee-pee! What do you want me to get...myxomatosis? Ringworm?

James: I think myxomatosis is a rabbit disease...

Mike: Shut up!

[The manager (Sanz) walks over. He also speaks in a heavy Chinese accent.]

Manager: What the problem here, sirs?

Mike: Oh, nothing...it’s just your waiter here put cat pee-pee in our Coke!

James: Yeah!

Manager: (to the waiter) You put pee-pee in Coke???

Waiter: (highly confused) No...uh...no I uh...

Mike: (holding up the glass to the manager) Here...taste it!

Manager: (takes a sip and spits it out) Disgusting! What wrong with you???

Waiter: Listen...I not even pee-pee in Coke! It cat pee-pee!

Manager: (even more repulsed) I know!!! At least your pee-pee have nutrients in it! (grabs James’s water and gulps it down sloppily)

Waiter: Sir, I know we not supposed to pee-pee in Coke, so I got cat in alley to pee-pee in it.

Manager: I know what you did, Bill! Now dammit, this restaurant been fighting stereotype that we use cat pee-pee in Coke for many years now!

Waiter: What? I not...I not understand.

Manager: Listen, 1978 was last time we use cat pee-pee in Coke. Since then, we guarantee fresh, authentic Chinese human pee-pee in each glass! You here come along and mess it up all!

Waiter: You mean we pee in Coke here?

Manager: Confucius H., man, we do!

Mike: Where have you been living?

James: Yeah, I mean, the only reason I come here is for the authentic pee!

Waiter: What? You all crazy!

Manager: You’re fired!

[The waiter takes his apron off and throws it to the floor, storming off in disgust.]

Manager: I so, so sorry for that, fellas. I get you new Coke. I...I pee in myself, ok?

James: Finally, some appropriate service around here!

Manager: Yes, that’s us. Here at Liu Sing...we put the urine in Chinese!

Mike: What? That doesn’t even make sense!

Manager: It makes sense in our language, big eyes!

[The manager storms off.]

Mike: Jesus, do you think he’s pissed?

James: Who cares! What’s he gonna do, not pee in our food?

Mike: Hmm...maybe he won’t. I’ll call the Better Business Bureau.

James: Right on.