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The Announcer.....Jimmy Fallon .....Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay Guy in the Audience.....Horatio Sanz (SUPER: THE ANDREW ‘DICE’ CLAY SHOW) (Camera close up on a late night talk show stage) The Announcer: And now live from the Jersey Shore Studios in Avon-by-the-sea, New Jersey…here’s the Dice Man! (As Clay walks out, Donavan’s “Mellow Yellow” plays) (Clay comes out of the curtain wearing his standard black jeans, black leather jacket, and as always, smoking a cigarette) Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: Thank you! They don’t call me Mellow Yellow, but they do call me “Quite Right Slick”, oh! I’ve also been called “Hey Mister, you got some hairy balls!” Okay, it’s really great to be doing the first episode of the Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay Show. I’m friggin’ ecstatic! When my agent told me about this thing I told him, “Why not…if a guy like Jimmy Kimmel can get a late night talk show, I sure the hell can!” (The Dice Man makes his way to his late night desk) (On his way to his desk, Clay flicks his cigarette into the audience) Okay, let’s start the show! (Clay pauses to light another cigarette) Unlike other fleabag late night hosts, I don’t do a monologue. Who do I look like, Letterman? I’m not one to make an ass of myself. But hey, if you really want to have a laugh, look at this guy. (Camera pans to a close up of a guy in the audience who looks really ugly) Looks like this guy still lives in his parent’s basement. (Camera pans back to the Dice Man) I do have a funny story to tell you folks. So last night, I’m screwin’ this chick in my car and she’s all like, “No, Dice Man, don’t do that. It hurts!” And I said to her, “Hey sweetie, I’m not even doing anything…hey, got off of the stick shift!” Okay, that was nice. Lots of fun! Okay, let’s dive right in with a sketch…I’d like to present a segment called “The McDice Group”. (SUPER: THE McDICE GROUP) Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: It’s a hastily put together piece by me, the only writer on the show. (Clay doesn’t move from his desk) Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: Okay, issue one, who gives a flying frig! Issue two, (beep) you! Issue three, who the frig cares! The Announcer: This has been “The McDice Group”. Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: And now, we’re gonna take a commercial break. The Announcer: The Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay Show is brought to you by…Shiny Hairy Balls. Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay (V/O): Hairy balls, we’ve all got ‘em, don’t deny it. If you’ve got hairy balls, makin’ ‘em shiny…for the ladies. The Announcer: Shiny Hairy Balls…from the dice man. Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: Okay…we’re back. And now, its time for a parody commercial! The Announcer: And now…Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay for…AOL 9.0. Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: (starts singing a nursery rhythm) Little Timmy sits at his computer, downloading porno. He says to his mother, “Hey Mom, what the frig inter-net is this?” His mother says, “It’s AOL 9 point oh!” The Announcer: This has been Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay for…AOL 9.0. Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: Okay, that was fun…on other shows, right about now you’d see a flash-in-the-pan host asking B list celebrities the same friggin’ question. Let me lay down the law…I don’t do celebrity interviews! You maybe asking yourself, “Hey, Dice Man, why don’t you do interviews?” I say to you…(beep) you! You want interviews, watch Leno! Okay, that’s about the end of it. Before we wrap this friggin’ thing up, I’d like to make an announcement, a public service message… To any of you who have seen any of my films like “One Night At McCool’s”, “Ford Fairlane” or “Whatever It Takes”, please, for the love of god…stop calling me! Stop calling me; the death threats are getting really friggin’ old! Okay, that’s it. If for some reason there is a 2nd episode of this shit bag, I’ll see you again. (Drops his cigarette) Ah, who the hell cares! (Walks off the stage) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
