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Valerie.....Lindsay Lohan Tina.....Amy Poehler Winona.....Rachel Dratch .....Jimmy Fallon [Open to Valerie [Lohan], Winona [Dratch], and Tina [Poehler in a brunette wig] standing amongst a vast group of people forming the SNL standby line.] Valerie: This is really exciting! Winona: I know! I can't believe we might see Saturday Night Live! [All three squeal in excitement] Tina: You know what this means, don't you? Valerie: I'll have a justifiable reason for why I'm better than that bitch, Tara! Winona: It's the first Saturday I've left my apartment in a year! [Valerie and Tina raise their eyebrows] Winona: And by apartment, I mean my parents' basement. [Valerie and Tina cross their arms, eyebrows still raised] Winona: And by basement I mean the bedroom, attached to my parents' bedroom, which I was raised in. [She hangs her head in shame.] Tina: [Awkward pause, she shakes it off] You guys, tonight we might meet.. him. [The "Ah, ah, ah, ah" part of Minnie Riperton's "Loving You" plays, the girls stare into space and sigh lovingly.] Valerie: This is the second best day of my life, the first being my wedding to one Mr. James Thomas Fallon. Tina: Excuse me? Valerie: [quickly] Or being the maid of honor at yours. Winona: What about me? Valerie & Tina: What? Winona: [Looks dejected] Never mind. [Suddenly points] There he is!!! [Jimmy Fallon enters, talking on a cell phone. The girls start freaking out. He casually waves, gets off the phone and walks over. All three girls gasp and stare.] Tina: On behalf of all of us, I just want you to know you are the finest specimen of man we have ever beheld. Winona: Hold me. [She wraps her arms around him, presses her face against his chest, and inhales in ecstasy.] I can smell your armpit. Jimmy: Gross, sorry. Winona: [getting choked up] It's beautiful. Jimmy: [He detangles himself from Winona's grip] So.. what are your names? Tina: I'm Tina, like Tina Fey, but single. I have the glasses too, but I only wear them on special occasions. Valerie: Meeting Jimmy isn't a special occasion? Tina: Uh.. well.. [Becoming exceedingly melodramatic] I'm a failure. Can you ever forgive me? Jimmy: It's cool. Tina: I am the scum of the earth. I am making you less cool just being around you! I should kill myself. I don't deserve to live! Jimmy: That seems excessive. Winona: Jimmy could never be less cool! Tina: I'm sorry.. I'm just, so.. embarrassed. [Runs off crying] Jimmy: You think she'll be okay? Winona: You're so sweet. Valerie: And humble. Winona: And talented. Valerie: And caring. Winona: And sexy. Valerie: Everything my mom said to look for in a man. Jimmy: Uh, so, I didn't get either of your names. Winona: I'm Winona. I changed it, because you once said that you wished you could date Winona Ryder, and my last name is spelled different but essentially we're the same. And if you're interested, I would give up my spot in the standby line and we could grab coffee - or a marriage license - or whatever. Jimmy: Actually, I think I'm due in rehearsal. Winona: Why don't you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Jimmy: I -I just.. uh.. Winona: I'm just like Winona Ryder! I got arrested for shoplifting! And even though it was Wal-mart, that doesn't make me cheap - or desperate! Plus, I have pills. Lots of pills! [She grabs her Lizzie Maguire backpack and dumps out tens of prescription pill bottles.] Jimmy: Oh my God! That can't be healthy. Winona: Sure it.. but if you say - um - I can't lie to you Jimmy! [Winona hangs her head in shame] They're vitamins. [Awkward pause, suddenly she falls to her knees, eyes and hands raised to the heavens] What do you want from me you cruel, pitiless creator! Have you no mercy? Must you mock me, my pain, my agony, my desires! [She crawls over to Jimmy and hugs him around the knees] They're Altoids! Altoids! [She bursts into tears. Jimmy stands shocked. She crawls off stage.] Jimmy: I don't know what to say to that. Valerie: I don't know either. Weird, huh? It's like we're both not saying anything, like we're thinking the same thing at the same time: nothing. We must be.. soul mates. I mean, isn't it coincidental that you would be here, and I would be here, now? Isn't that fate? Jimmy: I work here. Valerie: See, it's meant to be. Why bother denying our unavoidable feelings? Jimmy: Because.. I really need to go. Valerie: It's okay, I can wait, I know forever is a long time, but you'll come around. When you know what I know, that without me you'll always have a deep, burning emptiness, you'll come back. But before you go - would you mind - just giving me one last thing? Jimmy: An autograph? Sure. [He shrugs and reaches into his pocket for a pen.] [Marvin Gaye's "Let's get it on" strikes up and Valerie jumps on him, running her fingers through his hair, pulling it so it sticks straight up, and licking the side of his face. They fall to the floor out of the shot. The music fades and Valerie gets up into the shot and smoothes her hair. She pulls out a cigarette and lights it. Jimmy enters the shot, looking dazed and confused.] Valerie: Well, Mr. Fallon. That was nice. [Jimmy toys with his hair] Valerie: Although, I must tell you, even though we've reached this new level of intimacy, I think we should consider dating other people. Don't be angry with me. We had good times while they lasted. And as a token of our 5 seconds of passion - (She puts out the cigarette and reassumes perky teenage fan attitude) Will you sign my "The $cheme" DVD? (He signs the DVD and leaves, confused. Tina and Winona reenter from behind Valerie who stands holding the DVD triumphantly.) Tina: It's amazing; he actually touched that. Winona: I actually smelled his armpit! (Deeply inhaling) It smelled amazing - like altoids. Tina: What does it say? [Just as Valerie opens her mouth Jimmy Fallon enters walks by them, talking on a cell phone, and exits.] Winona: Was that Jimmy Fallon? Valerie: He must have come back. Tina: Or that other Jimmy wasn't the real one. [The girls look around confused. Cut to 3 nerdy looking guys, in suspenders and glasses surrounding a Jimmy look-a-like robot, toying with its hair and making autograph motions with the other. The nerds laugh at the girls.] Jimmy Robot: Do you want me to sign your "The $cheme" DVD? [The nerds' laughter dies.] Nerd 1: Six months of work to get even - make them look like the fools they are. Nerd 2: We'll see who wants to go to prom with whom now! Nerd 1: [A beat] Not as satisfying as I thought it'd be. Nerd 2: Not at all. Nerd 1: We probably should have made a girl robot.. 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