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First Dude.....Horatio Sanz Jessie.....Lindsay Lohan Mr. Leonard.....Finesse Mitchell Dad.....Chris Parnell Friend 1.....Seth Meyers Friend 2.....Maya Rudolph Friend 3.....Rachel Dratch Boss.....Darrell Hammond Adult Jessie.....Amy Poehler [Scene: The front lawn. Jessie sits at a lemonade stand.] First Dude: (taking out his wallet) Hey, give me a lemonade. Damn it's hot out today. Jessie: (without feeling) Sure thing mister, lickety split. First Dude: The names Anderson. Hey, aren't you a bit too old to be working at a lemonade stand? Jessie: Maybe. But aren't you a bit too fat to be commenting on whether or not I'm too old to be working at a lemonade stand. First Dude: Hey, you can't talk to me like that. Jessie: Oh I'm sorry, you probably only speak jackass. Maybe I should talk to you like this: EE-AWWW....EE-AWWW. First Dude: Hey, cut it out. Look. Keep your lemonade. Jessie: You touched the glass you bought it buddy. [Enter Dad] Dad: Hey dear, what seems to be the problem. Jessie: Daddy, this mean man won't pay for his drink. First Dude: She called me a jackass! Dad: (shushing the man) Please sir. I ask that you not use language like that around my little girl. First Dude: First off, she's not that little...and second she was rude to me. Fine, look I'll pay for the drink. Here's your nickel. Jessie: Ah ah ah...that'll be a fiver, buddy. First Dude: (looks at sign in front of stand) Five bucks? The sign says five cents. Jessie: If you look closely blindy mcblindy, you'll see a second tiny mark under there that makes it a dollar sign. First Dude: That? That look's like a cedilla. Dad: A what? First Dude: You know, that funny squiggle under the C...you use it in French. Dad: French? How dare you suggest such a thing! (aside to First Dude) Please...she's not very good at art...don't make her feel worse than she already does about it. C'mon be a good sport. First Dude: Fine, whatever... (puts money on counter) This better be good lemonade. (takes a drink) Oh man...this is...awful. [First Dude walks away. Dad approaches daughter.] Dad: So, besides mister grouchy pants, how have things been going? Jessie: Daddy, this is terrible. Why can't I just get a normal job like everyone else? Dad: Look honey, we've talked about this. I just don't think you're ready. You don't know what it's like out there. Believe me, one day you'll be a working woman and you'll look back at your old lemonade stand and wish you were a kid again. Jessie: I'm not a kid, I'm seventeen and I need money! Dad: Now now honey...don't get discouraged. When life gives you lemons you make...oh man...what was it you make again. Lemon Meringue pie? No. Lemon pudding? No. Jessie: Uh...lemonade? Dad: No thanks dear. Oh oh sweetie, don't look know but I think I see a customer coming. It's your principal Mr. Leonard. [Enter Mr. Leonard.] Mr. Leonard: Well, well. It's good to know that some things never change. Every spring for the last twelve years I've been able to go for a walk and get some fresh squeezed lemon juice at the Nelson's. Dad: Hah hah, has it been twelve years already. Jessie: It's been thirteen years... Mr. Leonard: Time flies doesn't it. I guess you know all about that don't you Jessie...being that you can't seem to get to class on time. Dad: What's this? Jessie: I told you already Dad. Mr. Leonard gave me two weeks detention because I was late for one crap-ass math class. Dad: Well, serves you right. I'll make sure she uses some of the money to buy a watch. Ha ha. Aren't you going to ask Mr. Leonard what he wants dear? Jessie: It's a freakin' lemonade stand Dad! Mr. Leonard: I'll just have the usual. I hope you'll make sure she'll put some of that money into a savings account as well. Dad: Absolutely, that's a great idea. Jessie: What? I need new clothes. Dad: You have plenty of clothes dear. You'll thank Mr. Leonard for his advice one day... Jessie: WHAT THE.... Dad: Don't keep the customer waiting now. Jessie: Right. One second. [Jessie turns around and makes spit preparing sounds. Mr. Leonard and Dad stand quietly. Jessie spits into the glass out of view of Mr. Leonard who gets a worried look on his face. Jessie starts making spit readying sounds again. Jessie spits into the glass again out of view of Mr. Leonard again.] Jessie: Here you go Mr. Leonard, that'll be five dollars. Mr. Leonard: (hesitating) Uh... Dad: Oh come on, he's a good customer let him have one on the house. Jessie: Right...one second. [Jessie turns around and does the spitting thing again.] Jessie: Enjoy. [Mr. Leonard takes the glass and looks a bit spooked.] Mr. Leonard: Alright...well bye Mr. Nelson...bye....Jessie. (walks off) (offscreen) Hey, this isn't bad. [Jessie rolls her eyes. Dad gives her a hug.] Dad: Don't worry, business will pick up. Now I have to go inside and do some Daddy work. See ya later ya rascal. [Exit Dad.] Jessie: Alright, well the good part is...things can't possibly get worse. [Enter Friend 1, Friend 2 and Friend 3.] Friend 1: Hey Jessie...how's the lemonade stand going? Jessie: Damn it. Friend 2: Awww, you look so cute. Friend 3: I'm firsty...are you guys firsty? Friend 1: I am. We're so lucky to have a friend in the lemonade industry! Jessie: You're lucky I don't shank you all... Friend 2: Awww, what's the matter...too many lemons making you a sour puss? Jessie: Ugg...do you guys want something besides my foot up your ass? Friend 1: Three lemonades por favor. Jessie: Fine. Tell you what, I'll get you guys the good stuff. Friend 3: Yippee! [Jessie starts drinking out of the lemonade pitcher which is opaque. She drinks for an extended period of time, wipes her mouth, jumps up and down a couple of times and rubs her belly.] Jessie: Oh yeah. The good stuff. I keep it behind that bush over there. [Jessie exits. The sound of a pitcher filling is heard. Jessie returns. Jessie pours three cups of lemonade and hands them out.] Friend 1: The cup feels warm... Jessie: Oh silly me, I forgot the ice. [Jessie puts some ice in each of the drinks. Friend2 drinks some.] Friend 2: Wait! This isn't lemonade. [Jessie smirks.] Friend 2: It tastes like Mountain Dew. Damn this is good. [Friend 1, Friend 2 and Friend 3 drink up and then leave. Jessie looks seriously angry. Jessie sits in her chair and then suddenly has an idea. Cut to black screen and super "Later that week." Cut back to lemonade stand. First Dude, Mr. Leonard and Friend 1 and Friend 2 and Friend 3 and several extras are all milling around the lemonade stand eating and drinking. A big sign reads: "Jessie's Fudge and Lemonade Stand." Jessie is sitting back in her chair with a huge wad of cash in her hands nodding happily. Enter Dad.] Dad: Hey honey. Jessie: Hi Daddy! Dad: Well, well. Looks like everything worked out...just like I said it would. Jessie: You betcha. You were right all along. I love you Daddy. Dad: I love you too honey. Mmm fudge... [Dad goes to pick up a piece of fudge. Jessie stops him.] Jessie: Don't eat that.... [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
