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Shelly Sanders.....Lindsey Lohan Doctor #1.....Darrell Hammond Wife.....Maya Rudolph Doctor Jose.....Horatio Sanz Timmy.....Jimmy Fallon Narrator's Voiceover: Due to the scourge of increasingly privatized healthcare, HMO bureaucracy and sky rocketing malpractice insurance, Doctor / Patient relationships have become increasingly impersonal. (A young woman (Shelly Sanders) is seated on the examining table in a cold, impersonal, undecorated Doctor's office. She has a thermometer in her mouth and is crying into a tissue when Doctor #1 enters. Doctor #1is dressed in a traditional white lab coat, with stethoscope around his neck and is holding a chart. He is looking down at chart and without ever looking up at patient he takes the thermometer from the woman's mouth..) Shelly: Doctor, I'm so worried, I'm late. (Doctor #1 interrupts and begins quickly scribbling on small notepad, prescription paper. With each prescription, he tears off a sheet and flings it toward the woman, still never looking at her.) Doctor #1: I'm ordering an EKG (scribble, rip, fling), an MRI (scribble, rip, fling), an ESP (scribble, rip, fling), a Placebo (scribble, rip, fling) (Scene: fades away from room.) Narrator's Voiceover: But there are some Doctors who are defying this ugly trend, breaking this miserable mold and rolling back the clock to the good ole years when Doctors cared - back to the good ole days of House Calls! (Introduction and silly jingle music fades into next scene:) (Scene: A typical living room setting, with a sofa, coffee table, staircase leading to upstairs, front door and door in background leading to another room. Dog is barking in background and Grateful Dead music is playing in background. Scene begins with door bell ringing. Doctor Jose's Wife in kitchen apron with floury hands walks from offstage (kitchen) to answer door. Shelly Sanders is at the door. Music and dog bark fade out. Wife: Halo, how may I help you? (miscellaneous European accent) Shelly: Looking down at piece of paper, confused. Um, yes, hello. Is this Doctor Jose's office? I was given this address? Wife: Ya, ya, of course. Please come in? (Wiping her hands clean on her apron, Wife takes Shelly's hand and pulls her close for three consecutive cheek to cheek to cheek kisses. Shelly, confused and stiff, awkwardly goes wrong way with each kiss.) Wife: (Laughing) I am European. In my country we always give three kisses. Please come in! (Wife leads Shelly into living room and offers her a seat on the sofa. Very doting hostess.) Wife: (Shouting upstairs) Honey! Your appointment is here! (Wife retreats to kitchen.) (Doctor José comes down staircase, dressed in oversized pajamas, button down shirt and long pants style. Shelly stands back up. He is smiling and walks over to Shelly.) Doctor José: Miss Shelly! Hello! I'm so sorry for to keeping you waiting. You're a little bit early, no? Shelly: Um, I'm sorry doctor. I normally arrive early to appointments to fill in all the paperwork. (Doctor José reaches Shelly and pulls her in for a double, cheek to cheek kiss. Shelly goes for third cheek, but Doctor José pulls away and shakes his finger at her, smiling.) Doctor José: Ah, ah... I am Latin America. Always two kisses my dear! No need for paperwork Miss Shelly - this is a House Call! Please, sit down. (guiding her down onto sofa beside him) Can I offer you a drink? Shelly: (Timidly sitting beside him, trying to scoot a little further from him.) No, thank you, I'm fine. Doctor José: Doan be ridiculous! (Shouting toward the kitchen) Honey! Can you bring us some of your famous ice tea? (Wife brings two glasses from kitchen. Seeing the two sitting so close together on the sofa, she is perturbed and smacks glasses down on coffee table, glaring at Shelly. Doctor José detects that his wife is annoyed and as she starts to walk away, he playfully grabs her rear end.) Doctor José: Thank you Baby! I'll make it up to you later - if you know what I mean! (winks) (Wife giggles off to kitchen and Doctor José turns back to Shelly. Meanwhile, Doctor José begins slowly unbuttoning his pajama top from the top button down.) Doctor José: Now tell me Shelly. What is seems to be the problem today? Shelly: (Begins to tear up and snivel.) Doctor, I'm three weeks late. (Doctor José pulls Shelly's head into his now exposed bare chest.) Doctor José: There, there my dear. We'll just have a look. Why don't you disrobe for me? (Shelly pulls back and looks a bit confused, appalled.) Shelly: But Doctor, here? This is your living room? Doctor José: This is a House Call my dear. Don't worry. ( Doctor José takes off his now fully unbuttoned pajama top and hands it to Shelly.) Here, put this on. You can change behind the sofa. (Shelly takes the pajama top and crouches behind the sofa. Doctor José keeps leaning back and sneaking looks as she changes. Shelly emerges in oversized pajama top and panties (or a slip). Doctor José is now without a shirt.) Doctor José: Shelly, my dear - Why don't you lay back here on the sofa so I can examine you? (Shelly reluctantly sits on sofa and begins to lean back to a reclined position. As soon as she is fully reclined, she jolts up and nearly knocks Doctor José off the sofa.) Shelly: It's wet! (Doctor José feels the wet spot under Shelly and then leans in for a sniff at the spot. When he stands back up, he has the sofa cushion in his hands and he's shaking it very angrily.) Doctor José: That Damn Dog! It pissed on the sofa again! Where is that Damn Dog? I'm going to kill it this time! (As Doctor José stomps around the living room, looking upstairs, looking behind the sofa, yelling for the dog, his Wife enters from kitchen with the dog cradled in her arms. She sees her husband with no shirt and Shelly with panties (or slip) and she yells at her husband.) Wife: What the hell is this!?! Why is your shirt off? (Totally forgetting the dog problem, he rushes over to his wife.) Doctor José: Honey, Honey. She's just a patient. You know that. (he coos with reassurances) (As his wife turns to leave back to the kitchen, he grabs her from behind and pushes himself up against her into a full body press. As he's doing a humping maneuver into her, he keeps cooing seductive small talk to her.) Doctor José: Who's my mamacita, huh? Who's papi's mamacita? (Meanwhile, Shelly is grabbing up her clothes from behind the sofa.) Shelly: I should really go.. (The wife breaks free from her husband's humping grab (he keeps air humping for a few moments), and she rushes over to Shelly. She drops the dog onto the sofa, then taking the clothes from Shelly's hands, she tosses them onto the sofa on top of the dog.) Wife: Don't be ridiculous - no, no, no - you stay for your appointment. (The wife pulls Shelly in for three more kisses. The last kiss lands right on Shelly's mouth and lasts for a couple of seconds. Shelly pulls back and wife looks to be in a trance. She giggles and scurries back to the kitchen. Doctor José smacks her rear as she goes by. The Doctor then turns his sites on Shelly again, goes over to her and puts his arm around her. He leads her to a clear floor space in front of the sofa.) Doctor José: Well now, my dear, let's have that exam. (He nudges her down to recline on the floor.) Oh, let's make sure you're comfortable. Let me make you a little pillow. (Doctor José takes off his pajama pants so that he is now only dressed in boxers with big red hearts. He rolls his pants up into a ball and nudges them under Shelly's head to make a small pillow as she is now fully reclined on the floor. Doctor José takes some sort of scope out of his shorts and on his knees, he straddles her and crawls over Shelly so that the full length of his body is hovering only inches above hers. As he leans in very close to her face, as if to examine her eyes and is almost kissing her.) Doctor José: Relax my dear. I'm going to examine you from top to bottom. (He starts the humping motion and then abruptly jerks up so that he is on his knees looking attentively around and sniffing.) Do you smell that? Shelly: (Confused and flustered.) Smell what? Doctor José: Marijuana! That's what! (Yelling very loudly) Timmy! (Doctor José jumps up and runs over to the door at the back of the room where smoke is seeping out from under the door. He yanks it open and smoke gushes out. The Doctor reaches into the smoke filled room and pulls his teenage son Timmy out by the ear.) Doctor José: How many times has I told you not to smoke the drugs while you're living under my roof! (Timmy is glassy eyed and obviously stoned. He lobs his glance over to Shelly who is still reclined on the floor.) Timmy: Right on Daddy-oh - won't happen again dude - Who's that bitchin' babe? Doctor José: Timmy, this is my patient Shelly Sanders and I'd appreciate if you could show her some manners. Timmy: You bet, man. (Timmy stumbles over to Shelly and drops on the floor next to her. Looking her in the eyes, he says, "Hey Babe, I'm French!" and starts ferociously french kissing Shelly.) (Wife storms out of kitchen and sees husband in only boxers and throws some food at him.) Wife: You cheating bastard! (Shelly tries to get away, scramble away from Timmy to get up, but Timmy is holding on and kissing her all over.) Shelly: I should really go.. (Wife rushes over to Shelly and Timmy.) Wife: No, no! Don't be ridiculous! You are our guest. Please stay! Please! (Glaring again over to husband) Bastard cheater! (Wife drops to the floor to sandwich Shelly in between her and Timmy. She is madly kissing Shelly; Timmy keeps madly kissing Shelly. The Wife stops kissing every few seconds to curse "Bastard cheater" at her husband who then rushes over to the pile and jumps on the back of his wife, humping and kissing) (Scene fades out to banner and jingle) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
