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Heather.....Amy Poehler Angela.....Lindsey Lohan Peeping Tom.....Will Forte [ open on interior, college dorm room, Angela: Lights out, it's ten o'clock. Heather: Alright, alright. I'm pooped from studying, anyway. What time's your first exam tomorrow morning? Angela: Eight o'clock. But I want to get up early so I can grab a banana from the cafeteria. Heather: My first exam isn't until nine. Don't make too much noise leaving the room, okay? Angela: I'll wear slippers. Good night. [ the lights are turned out, as the girls curl up in their beds. A shadow appears at the window, and a man's face soon presses up to the glass. His heavy breathing wakes Angela from her sleep. ] Angela: Hey! What do you think you're doing?! Peeping Tom: Don't mind me. Just go back to sleep, there's no cause for alarm! [ stares intently through the glass ] Angela: Go away! Peeping Tom: I'm just doing my job, won't be but a minute. [ continues to stare intently through the glass ] Angela: You good for nothing -- that's it! [ Angela climbs out of bed, grabs a shoe from the floor and rushes out the door, dragging the screaming Peeping Tom into the room ] Peeping Tom: You are violating the Peeping Tom Code of Ethics! I'm not supposed to be dragged into a girl's room, like a side of beef sauteed with mushrooms and smothered with pepperjack cheese sauce! Angela: I dragged you in here for one reason, and one reason only! Peeping Tom: Again - violation of Peeping Tom Code of Ethics. I bet you've never even read the student handbook. Angela: What does the student handbook have to do with anything? Heather: Well, Steve is authorized by the university. Peeping Tom: Wanna see my permit? And by "permit", I don't mean my penis. [ pulls a card out of his pocket ] Angela: So, you're saying I can't call the University Police? Peeping Tom: Well, you can, if you want to say "Hi" to Dave the Student Cop, and wish him Good Luck after graduation. Angela: This is unacceptable! Heather: Oh, you're just mad because you're wearing cotton pajamas the night he finally shows up. Peeping Tom: That's not very thoughtful of you. What if I had allergies? Angela: What do I care if you have allergies, you freak! Heather: [ to Peeping Tom ] I've been wearing Victoria's Secret since January, waiting for you to show up. And I haven't let my boyfriend sleep over, either, because I know you don't like to look at dudes' things. Peeping Tom: Thanks, Heather. I appreciate your effort and concern. Heather: No problem, Cowboy. So, how come it's taken you until Final Exams to get around to peeping on us? Peeping Tom: Well, I start at the President's house and work my way outward. You live on the far end of campus. Believe me, it's nothing personal! Angela: Heather, what are you doing getting chummy with this creep? He's a perverted sex fiend! Peeping Tom: Hey! I don't have sex! [ a beat ] I like to.. watch. Angela: Yeah? Well, I don't like to be watched while I'm asleep. Peeping Tom: No problem. As long as you're up, why don't you turn on some reruns of "Becker" - it soothes my aching joints to watch it through the glass. Angela: Eugh! Heather: Hey, Steve, do you want to watch me watching "Becker" while chewing on a throw pillow? Peeping Tom: ..Maybe just during the commercials. Angela: This is outrageous. Why is the university allowing you to do this? Peeping Tom: As long as I pay my tuition at the end of every mnoth, they don't care what I do. Why, last week I decided to give the campus mascot a sponge bath and an enema just because one of my classes let out early. Angela: Okay, that's disgusting. Peeping Tom: And, when you're in the shower at the gym, do you ever hear a slight whistling of "Lara's Theme"? Angela: [ thinking ] Yeah.. now that you mention it.. Peeping Tom: [ proudly ] That's me, baby! Angela: [ confused ] Why "Lara's Theme"? Peeping Tom: [ annoyed ] Why not? It's easier to whistle than "We Didn't Start The Fire". Angela: Look - if we just give you some money, will you go away? Peeping Tom: I find that insulting! I don't peep for money - I do it because I enjoy the feel of glass on my cheeks. Angela: Then, why don't you peep in your own window? Peeping Tom: I live alone. What am I supposed to peep at, my Kareem Abdul Jabbar poster? Heather: Hey, Angela, quit giving Steve a hard time. Peeping Tom: Yeah, I don't have all night. I still have to peep in the mens' dorms before dawn, and I have an exam at noon. Don't you have any consideration for anyone but yourself? God, you're so selfish! I don't even want to peep at you any more! Angela: Well, good! Issue finally resolved! Heather: Don't go, Steve - we can tell ghost stories. Peeping Tom: Sorry, Heather.. but duty calls. This is a growing university, and everyone - women and men alike - deserve the chance to be peeped on in the middle of the night as they sleep, have sex, or watch old, yet craftily-written, reruns of "Frasier". I am a champion of students, and my legacy will live on. Ladies, I bid thee good night! [ Peeping Tom exits dorm room ] Angela: What a creep! Heather: He's really sweet once you get to know him. [ a beat ] He's in my Trig class. [ a light knock at the door, as Peppeing Tom lets himself back in ] Peeping Tom: Uh.. can I borrow your outlet? The batteries in my digital camera need recharging. Won't be but a minute.. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
