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Judge Barnes...Will Forte Randy the Bailiff...Kenan Thompson Prosecutor...Seth Meyers Pirate 1...Fred Armisen Defense Attorney...Amy Poehler Mr. Drinkwater...Chris Parnell Paula Drinkwater...Lindsay Lohan [Scene: A courtroom; Randy the Bailiff is about to speak] Randy the Bailiff: All rise! The honorable Judge Barnes is now presiding! (The people in the courtroom rise as Judge Barnes enters and take his seat at the bench) Judge Barnes: Thank you, be seated. (looks over his papers) So, what do we have today, Randy? Randy the Bailiff: People who were caught trying to pirate movies, sir. Judge Barnes: Oh really? Well, this should be interesting. Let's get going. Randy the Bailiff: Case A1304! [Pirate 1 enters the courtroom] Prosecutor: Your honor, this man recorded "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" in a Regal Cinema on his handheld, digital video-camera. Judge Barnes: What do you have to say for yourself? Pirate 1: (excited) It was totally worth it! I was the envy of all the people in my Lord of the Rings club for a full seventeen minutes before the FBI raided my uncle's basement! Judge Barnes: I see. Well, you'll be spending the next six months in a juvenile detention center so you can think about what you've done. Public Defender: (puzzled) But, your honor, my client is thirty-seven years old... Judge Barnes: I know, but he has the mental capacity of a teenager! Take him away! Next case! Randy the Bailiff: Case B9310! [Mr. Drinkwater enters the courtroom] Prosecutor: Mr. Drinkwater attempted to pirate "Pokemon 53: The Death and Return of Pikachu's Manicurist" at his local Loews Multiplex. He was caught trying to record the movie on his cell phone. Judge Barnes: (surprised) On his cell phone? You can actually do that now? Public Defender: Your honor, my client thought that his old Motorola phone had that capability since he saw a commercial that showed people taking pictures with their cell phones. Judge Barnes: Interesting. Mr. Drinkwater, what was your motivation for attempting to pirate a Pokemon movie? I mean, if you're going to pirate something, it should at least be something good, right? Mr. Drinkwater: It was for my little girl, sir. When I woke up in the gutter, I was in front of the theater and saw that they were desperately giving away free tickets to the Pokemon movie. I'm not one to turn down a handout, so I figured I'd record the movie for my little girl since she likes them Pokemon critters so much. Prosecutor: Your honor, I think now would be a good time to call his daughter to the stand. Judge Barnes: (surprised) She's a witness for the prosecution? Prosecutor: Yes, sir. Judge Barnes: Well, that's highly unusual, but, okay, go ahead. [Mr. Drinkwater's daughter, who appears to be at least twenty years old, enters the courtroom. She swears to tell the truth and then takes the stand.] Judge Barnes: (surprised) Mr. Drinkwater, your daughter seems to be at least twenty years old! (to Paula Drinkwater) Are you really interested in Pokemon? Paula Drinkwater: (angry) No! That's what I've been trying to tell him! I've never been interested in Pokemon! Mr. Drinkwater: (pleading) Come on, Paula, don't be that way. Paula Drinkwater: (shouting) No! You're going to jail because you're a drunk and you're an idiot! Mr. Drinkwater: (yelling) Don't you dare talk-back to me! You're grounded! Go to your room without dessert! (pauses) Wait, hold on, my phone is ringing. (reaches down and pulls off his shoe, bringing it to his ear) Hello? Agent 99? What's going on? Maxwell's been captured? I'm on my way. I just need to finish up here at the courthouse. (puts his shoe back on his foot) Paula Drinkwater: You see! He's always like this! He started yelling into his watch at my high school graduation because he thought Dick Tracy was making fun of him! He's already an idiot, but to make matters worse, he has no idea how to use technology! Judge Barnes: (attempting to interrupt) Young lady..... Paula Drinkwater: No, you have to hear how crazy he is! He pushed a brand-new computer out of a window when it was starting up because he got confused after he saw the Microsoft Windows logo! Judge Barnes: I've heard enough. Mr. Drinkwater, you're free to go. [The entire courtroom gasps] Prosecutor and Paula Drinkwater: What?! Judge Barnes: Settle down, everyone. Mr. Drinkwater, I'm letting you go on the condition that you give me that shoe phone. I've always wanted one since I was a little boy. Mr. Drinkwater: You got it! (gives his shoe to Judge Barnes) Judge Barnes: (ecstatic) Finally, after all these years, Maxwell Smart and I will be together! (awkward pause) Of course, I mean to say that Agent 99 and I will finally be together. Mr. Drinkwater: Come on, Paula. I'll take you to the zoo! Paula Drinkwater: I hate the zoo! I'm not a little girl anymore! I go to college now! Sober up, stop living in the past, and take a computer class! Mr. Drinkwater: Well, we're going there even if you hate it. I left my hoverboard there by accident. I need to get it back before Dr. Zaius breaks it! Come on! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
