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Amanda Tonsil.....Lindsay Lohan Detective Sours.....Fred Armisen Officer Lewis.....Amy Poehler Police Chief.....Chris Parnell Lawyer.....Kenan Thompson Judge.....Rachel Dratch [ ext. Crime Scene – day ] [ Sidewalk, middle class urban. Policemen, reporters, emergency workers all aflutter. Emergency tape. Amanda Tonsil seated, draped in blanket, staring into space. Detective Sours approaches ] Detective Sours: Miss Tonsil, how are you feeling? Doing alright? Amanda Tonsil:: Yeah. Detective Sours: We’ve sent the bullet to ballistics, but we’re going to need your help and co-operation before we can begin determining suspects. [ pulls out a pad] Now, you were inside your apartment when this happened? Amanda Tonsil:: Yes. I was inside, behind that window [ points ] when I heard someone say, [ in a ridiculous voice ] “I’m gon’ kill you son’ bitch.” [ forced laugh, as accidental survivors often do ] And then I looked outside... and saw… [ grimaces ] Detective Sours: It’s alright, this kind of thing is never easy. Now, you say you were inside. What room were you in? Amanda Tonsil:: The dining room. Detective Sours: Good, now, if I may ask, what sort of furniture do you have in your dining room? Amanda Tonsil:: The table, umm, some chairs, a few cupboards. Detective Sours: Interesting. Now, let’s say I was going to call these pieces of furniture by other names, what might I call them? Amanda Tonsil:: Umm.. excuse me? What does this have to do with the murder? Detective Sours: Some of the other people down at the station don’t know English very well, so it’s good to have a long list of synonyms. Amanda Tonsil:: Alright, I guess. Maybe a bureau? A chest? Detective Sours: Chest, chest… no, too short. Anything else? Keep with the c’s though. Amanda Tonsil:: [ off-kilter ] Alright, how about.. cabinet Detective Sours: [ inhales heavily through teeth ] Amanda Tonsil:: Coffee table? Detective Sours: No, just one word. Amanda Tonsil:: ..Credenza? Detective Sours: Credenza! Terrific! Credenza! Oh, that’s a hoot… [ rapidly scribbles ] Now, you were standing in the window, by your credenza when you… Amanda Tonsil:: I heard someone scream and I looked out and this man pulled out a gun— Detective Sours: I’m gonna stop you right there. Now, was the killer wearing anything unusual, anything most people wouldn’t wear? Amanda Tonsil:: He had a bowler. Detective Sours: Great, now what I’m looking for is a movie from 1971 where the lead actor wore a bowler… Amanda Tonsil:: Umm… Detective Sours: Take your time, this would just really help me out, cause I’m not coming up with anything. I’m just stumped. Amanda Tonsil:: Why the hell do you need to know that? I watched a man die twenty minutes ago and you’re asking me about a movie with a bowler?!? Detective Sours: Let’s just skip that one for now, we can come back to it… Now, you mentioned you had the television on? Amanda Tonsil:: [ settling ] Yes. Detective Sours: Do you watch television frequently? Amanda Tonsil:: Yes, but I don’t see what that ha— Detective Sours: I need a six-letter cartoon character with an anchor tattoo. Amanda Tonsil:: What the hell? [ grabs the detective’s pad ] A crossword puzzle? You’re interrogating me to help you do a crossword puzzle? Detective Sours: The fourth letter is “E.” Letters in the middle of the words never seem to help me at all though. [ they begin talking simultaneously ] Amanda Tonsil:: [ begins tearing crossword puzzle ] You are a goddamn bastard! I can’t believe they let you call yourself a detective! Is the entire police force as messed up as you are? Detective Sours: Please, can you give that back, I don’t have the money to buy another paper… You’re really smart and I really appreciate your help, please, c’mon, don’t make me do this… [ GUNSHOT ] [ Detective Sours stands over Amanda with his pistol ] Detective Sours: [ retrieving crossword puzzle ] I can’t believe her… Why did sh— [ Officer Lewis enters ] Officer Lewis: Why did you just shoot our only eyewitness? Detective Sours: She was attacking me, I just didn’t know what to do, it was self-defense. Officer Lewis: I don’t think it was. I’m reporting you to the chief about this. Detective Sours: [ enlightenment ] That’s it… Popeye! Officer Lewis: What the hell are you talking about? Listen, you’re a liability to the squad that just can’t keep from fucking up. You’ll be stripped of your rank and tossed out on th— [ GUNSHOT ] [ int. Police HQ – day ] [ Police Chief stands with Detective Sours seated at his desk ] Police Chief: ..and then you proceeded to shoot Officer Lewis! She’s in critical condition at the hospital right now, and they’re feeding her through a tube in her neck. I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to give me a blow job again! Starting right now, Sours, you— [ GUNSHOT ] [ int. Courtroom – day ] [ Detective Sours seated behind bench. His lawyer stands ] Lawyer: Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it is my state-appointed duty to defend my client. He claims he fired his pistol only in self-defense and fear of his own life. Even though I am obliged to defend him, I’m sorry, I just can’t. He’s a mixed-up, crazy, psychopathic killer. Please, if you have any compassion, put him away before he shoots me! Judge: Well, you’ve heard the testimonies. Members of the jury believing the defendant is guilty of the crimes charged, please rise. [ cut to jury stand, as a few members with obvious fear slowly proceed to rise ] [ GUNSHOTS ] [ jurors slump over dead, flee in panic, and otherwise take bullets ] Judge: Dammit, we’re gonna need a new jury again. 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