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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Jay-C.....Chris Parnell .....Rebecca Romijn .....Halle Berry Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! The adult film industry is still reeling after it was revealed that two performers tested positive for the HIV virus. Kat Sunlove, a spokeswoman for the pornographic trade industry the Free Speech Coalition commented on the uproar, stating, "It's incredible, I mean, if you can be exposed to a deadly disease having unprotected sex with strange men and women dozens of times a week, then where can you feel safe?" In an effort to curb a rise of STDs in the industry, the California branch of OSHA is attempting to adopt a plan to enusre proper condom use in all adult films. This has led to tragedy, however, when six young actresses, inexperienced with condom use and told to place theirs "where the man's penis penetrates," choked to death on their contraceptives. Jimmy Fallon: (incredulous) You know, Tina, this whole porn scare just shows me how strange the world is becoming. I mean, look at it: porn actors are now concerned about sexual diseases, Donald Trump's casinos are going broke, what's next? Will Switzerland decide to start a war? Are WMDs gonna be found in Iraq? Is "The Punisher" going to break box-office records?! I just want a return to normality. (praying) Please God, make things right with the world. Tina Fey: John Kerry said recently that religion shouldn’t mix with politics. Kerry then proceeded to bow his head and pray to God that he would win the presidency in November. Norris McWhirter, co-founder of "The Guinness Book of World Records" died this week. His death was, reportedly, not record breaking. Jimmy Fallon: In national news this week, a North Carolina judge ruled that a student campaigning for class president couldn't use the slogan "Queer Guy for Hunt High" while seeking election at his school. While this may be a questionable slogan for some people, it is definitely better then the new Bush slogan: "Fairies Can't Marry." 
President Bush's head starts to hurt as he tries to pronounces the city in Iraq that was attack today. Jimmy Fallon: And now here to comment on the porno industry shutdown, is the host of “Spike TV’s The Jay-C Show”, professional pedophile, Mr. Jay-C! Jay-C: Thank you, Jimmy. Well, folks, while some news sources have considered the porno industry shutdown “whore-ifiing” or to quote Tom Brokaw, “a crazy apocalyptic scene”, I have found the shutdown as an opportunity. Jimmy Fallon: How so? Jay-C: Well, as this opportunity showed itself, I decided to take a break from my busy “pedophile” roller coaster of a life and go see Jennifer Garner’s new film “13 Going On 30”. It was a very imaginative film. I really enjoy it. Yes, this film had no nudity, which was some what of a ‘downer’, but all that was disappointing was easily wiped away with the help of my sick imagination, and before you know, Jennifer Garner went from “a make believe 13 year old girl who is actually 30” to “a make believe 13 year old girl who isn’t wearing anything at all”! This film is a must see! The film is a little confusing…for pedophiles such as me. You watch the film…and you think to yourself, “Jennifer Garner is rather ‘developed’ for a 13 year old girl.”, and you ask yourself, “Is she 13 or 30? Does that make me a pedophile or does it make me a regular guy?” By the time, I had figured it out, I had ‘rubbed out’ about 3 times and it didn’t even matter. But still, this film is great for any kind of pedophile or molester or priest…no, that doesn’t make sense! This is film is good for any of you out there who think Jennifer Garner is a 13 year old girl, at heart. This is a call out to all my pedophile / molester friends who’d like to remain nameless, (under his breathe) Roman Polanski…go see the new Jennifer Garner film “13 Going On 30”…but make sure you take your sick minds with you, otherwise you’re screwed! Jimmy Fallon: So, Jay-C, on “The Pedophile Scale of Grease”, where does this film rank? Jay-C: Jimmy, I give this film a 7 and a half! Jimmy Fallon: Just a 7 and a half? Jay-C: Jimmy, you have to remember, “The Pedophile Scale of Grease” ranks by how many times you toss on yourself. Jimmy Fallon: Ah, I see. Jay-C, the pedophile, everyone! On Tuesday, United States Marines in Fallujah blocked rebels and demanded they give up their weapons. Hours earlier, leaflets were dropped on the rebels saying, “Surrender, you are surrounded.” Asked to comment, President Bush said, “Damn it, I want it to read…Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, they just seem a little weird. Surrender! Surrender! But don't give yourself away.” Tina Fey: In sports news this week, a high school softball player was caught with a glove that had a bag of marijuana in it. Officials at the game started to become suspicious when they found the teen selling Barry Bongs in the parking lot. (Show picture of bong with Barry Bonds face on it) Jimmy Fallon: In London earlier this week, a grocery store chain has developed a cart which would allow shoppers to select different levels of resistance for exercise purposes. Also recently added to the store: you now must defeat the black knight to get to the frozen food aisle. A new study shows that consumer confidence was up in the month of April. Anyone else find that odd? Ralph Nader, the infamous consumer advocate, leaves his desk to run for president and consumer confidence is up! I guess if Bush leaves office, America will “feel” better off? Tina Fey: Britney Spears went public this week about her plans to vote for President Bush in the November election. In a related story, Christina Aguilera is planning on voting for Ralph Nader because she believes he’s “skank-o-licious”. Also, Jessica Simpson is planning on voting for Nick Lachey for President because she thinks that the leader of the free world should do her laundry, endure the phrase “dropping the kids off at the pool” and be able to tell the difference between chicken and tuna. Bush recently supported a Wetlands Act to protect these watery environments, which are becoming endangered in the U.S. Since Bush has never cared about the environment before, it's clear that he supports this just so he won't have to go all the way to the ocean to drown the 9/11 commission. Jimmy Fallon: A former sailor was jailed for robbing a bank. He accomplished this by donning scuba gear, grabbing $70,000, taking off on a mountain bike, and then hiding out with his son. As it turned out, he was actually involved in a military-sponsored revival of Family Feud. Tina Fey: James Gandolfini, star of HBO's "The Sopranos," was among 11 alumni to be inducted into the University of Rutgers’ Hall of Fame, this weekend. Asked to comment, Gandolfini said, (in a crappy Italian accent) “I’ve broken a lot of f***in’ legs to get here!” Tina Fey: Jessica Simpson said this week that she loves the music of Canadian punk singer Avril Lavinge. Simpson also said that she would love to collaborate with the singer in the near future. Asked to comment, Avril Lavinge said, “F*** You!” Robert Downey, Jr. announced this week that he would be ending his marriage to actress Deborah Falconer, his wife of 12 years. He says he wants to return to his first love: nose candy and hookers! Jimmy Fallon: And now here to comment on their recent relationship woes, are the stars of “X-Men” and “X-Men 2”, Ms. Rebecca Romijn and Ms. Halle Berry. (Rebecca Romijn & Halle Berry roll-on to the Update stage; the two actresses appear free spirited and drunken) Rebecca Romijn: Hey Jimmy! Halle Berry: Hey Jimmy! Jimmy Fallon: You ladies look stunning. Thanks for being here. Halle Berry: Oh, thank you…Fimmy Jallon! Rebecca Romijn: You’re sweet! Tina Fey: Ladies, you seem a little…tipsy. Jimmy Fallon: You ladies been partying with Billy Joel again? Rebecca Romijn: Lorne had an open bar in his office. Tina Fey: I don’t recall Lorne having an open bar in his office…just a bottle of scotch. Halle Berry: Are you sure? It’s this little room in his office. Rebecca Romijn: Yeah, you sit on your knees and drink out of this big white…like toilet thing. Halle Berry: Yeah…Lemonade and Vodka…great mixer! Tina Fey: Ladies, I think you were drinking out of Lorne’s toilet. Rebecca Romijn: Whatever, it’s a party! Jimmy Fallon: Anyhow, ladies…you’re here to comment on your recent relationship crack-ups. Halle Berry: You’re a crazy up, (hiccup) – immy. Jimmy Fallon: Rebecca, you recent got separated from “Full House” flame John Stamos and Halle, you recently “officially” filed for divorce from your husband Eric Bonet. Tina Fey: Ladies, why are you here? Rebecca Romijn: (Cleans up her speech) Tina, you are the reason for us being here. Tiny Fey: What? Why me? Halle Berry: (Cleans up her speech) We went out and saw that film you did, “Mean Girls”. It got us to thinking…we should leave our husbands and have great lesbian sex! Rebecca Romijn: I want to get my fiddle faddled! Tina Fey: I don’t know what to say. I’m married…but…it’s rather…tempting. Halle Berry: Tina, will you join us? Rebecca Romijn: Yeah. We’re calling ourselves “The Lesbians Over 30 That Aren’t Dykes Club”! Tina Fey: Okay…you know, what…I’m in! (Rebecca, Halle and Tina start making out) Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon, that’s Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
