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Stephanie.....Lindsey Lohan Mr. Binder.....Darrell Hammond Coach La Roche.....Will Forte Mrs. Packer.....Rachel Dratch Father.....Chris Parnell INT. Principal’s office. MR. BINDER is sitting at his desk. STEPHANIE walks in the door. Stephanie: Mr. Binder, sir…you wanted to see me? Mr. Binder: Yes, Steph…have a seat. (a beat as she sits) I called you in here to tell you that the teachers have calculated the seniors’ grades, and as it turns out, you’ve been selected as your class’s valedictorian. Stephanie: (elated) Really??? Mr. Binder: Really! Congratulations! Stephanie: Oh, thank you, sir! I didn’t…I didn’t even know the semester was over yet! Mr. Binder: Yeah…for, uh, the seniors it might as well be, you know…senioritis and all. Stephanie: But, uh, aren’t I and Marcie Goldenfeld’s grades really close, you know, and aren’t, like, this semester’s final exams supposed to decide who’s valedictorian? Mr. Binder: In theory, yes, you are right. But Marcie’s not, well, uh, a cheerleader with…(in a daze looking her up and down) long legs…and uh… Stephanie: What does that have to do with anything? Mr. Binder: Never mind that. Now… [Mr. Binder stands up, which reveals he is not wearing pants, and walks to the front of the desk, leaning up against it in front of her. He has a noticeable bulge in his jockeys.] Mr. Binder: It’s time for you to earn the title of valedictorian. Stephanie: (shocked) Mr. Binder! Mr. Binder: Listen, Steph, we have a tradition here at Wilt Chamberlain High. Each valedictorian goes through a little, uh, ritual before they can truly be honored as the top student in their class. Stephanie: (still shocked) What ritual??? Mr. Binder: Well, it breaks down like this. First, you perform fellatio on the principal…i.e., the luckiest guy in the world, me! Stephanie: No!!! Mr. Binder: Wait, hear me out…it gets better. After you finish smoking my pole, you’ll go downtown on Coach La Roche. [Coach La Roche (Forte, without pants) crawls out from under Binder’s desk.] Coach: (excited) Hello, Stephanie. Stephanie: Oh, god! Mr. Binder: After that, you’ll proceed to give the school counselor, Mrs. Packer, a good, old-fashioned humdinger. [Mrs. Packer (Dratch, minus pants) crawls out from under Binder’s desk.] Mrs. Packer: (excited) Hello, Steph! Stephanie: Mrs. Packer??? Mr. Binder: And that’s just the half of it, Steph. There’s also… Stephanie: Wait a minute! This can’t be right! Coach, how could you do this??? I’ve lived next door to you for fourteen years! Coach: Believe me, I know! It’s been a helluva ride, but you’ve finally grown up, and boy, did you turn out hot! Stephanie: Gross! (a beat) And Mrs. Packer, you go to church with me and my family! Mrs. Packer: Hey, it’s about school pride, young lady. I did it…Martha Stewart did it…every female valedictorian to come through this high school has done it. (a beat) Well, Kip Pithers did it, too…but he was, you know, kinda fruity. Mr. Binder: Ahh, Kip Pithers…I remember him. Class of ’75. I’ve been hiding this for years, but if you ask my wang, he was the best valedictorian ever! Coach: Oh, I agree wholeheartedly! Mrs. Packer: Not me, fellas. I like the ladies! They always seem to know their way around my cabbage patch! Mr. Binder: (playfully) Oh, Mrs. Packer! You ol’ dog! [The adults have a good laugh.] Stephanie: I can’t…I can’t believe this. I’m not doing this! I will call my father! Mr. Binder: (chuckles) Jack, come on out here. [Father (Parnell, pantless) comes out from under the desk.] Father: Hello, sweetie! Stephanie: (horrified) Daddy! Mr. Binder: Jackie boy…your daughter doth protest too much. Father: Oh, don’t worry about her. I’m sure she’s game. You just gotta get her started. Stephanie: Oh, sick! I’m…I’m outta here! [Stephanie stands up quickly and flies toward the door.] Mr. Binder: Stephanie! Stephanie: (about to open the door) What??? Mr. Binder: I know that since you were little, your dream has been to attend Harvard. Stephanie: So??? Mr. Binder: So…if you think you’re gonna get in without being the head of your class…and more importantly…without my recommendation, you’ve got another thing comin’, young lady…and it ain’t the right thing that’s coming, if you catch my drift! Stephanie: Are you blackmailing me??? Father: (kindly) It’s not blackmailing….it’s tradition, dear. Listen, your mother had to go through this same thing 23 years ago, and you’re not the first one to have a problem with it. But, you know, it’s just the way things are done. I apologize for not telling you sooner. Stephanie: (lets go of door knob, walks back to chair) Well, uh, I really want to go to Harvard. I guess…I guess I’ll just have to do it. [She sits down. Binder positions himself.] Mr. Binder: Ok, Stephanie…let’s get this over with. Are you ready? Stephanie: I’m…(takes deep breath) I’m ready. Mr. Binder: Are you sure you are ready, you slut?!?! [Laughter breaks out all over the room.] Coach: God, what a slut! Mrs. Packer: Slut! Stephanie: What??? Father: Gee, honey…I didn’t know you were such a slut! Stephanie: What are you talking about??? Mr. Binder: It was all a test, slut. We don’t let slutty sluts be valedictorians, and you’re obviously a big, leg-spreading slut. Coach: Yeah, slut! [Stephanie shoots out of her chair amidst the laughter and heads toward the door.] Stephanie: You are all sick! I’m calling the police! (opens door) Mr. Binder: Yeah, go ahead…it’s a filthy slut’s word against mine! [Everyone laughs again. Stephanie exits, slamming the door behind her.] Mr. Binder: Jesus, what a slut. Father: I’m sorry, guys. If I’d of known my daughter was such a raging, spunk-laden slut, I wouldn’t have raised her to be so smart. Mr. Binder: It’s alright, Jack. Let’s just bring Marcie in. Mrs. Parker: Oh, god…Marcie. I bet she’s a gigantic, King Kong-sized slut! [Everyone laughs as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
