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President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
EXT. WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON D.C. –DAY Dissolve To INT. WHITE HOUSE- DAY President George W. Bush (Will Forte) is seated inside the Oval Office at his desk. Voice Over: And now a message from the President of the United States of America. President George W. Bush: Thank you, and good night. Or good evening, rather. I’m the President and I have something I want the public to know. I know I may not seem like the smartest tool in the shed sometimes, but I want the citizens of this great country to rest easy, and to know that everything is under control in the Middle East. Keep in mind that it was only about three years ago that I learned of this area. Vice President Dick Cheney pointed it out on a map to me, and asked me to memorize its countries and leaders. Though this took the better part of my first two years in office, I decided shortly afterwards that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. As you know, this turned out to be false intelligence. Not my fault. It turns out that we actually meant IRAN, a country close in proximity and very close in spelling to Iraq; an easy-to-make mistake, as you can understand. A few whiskey sours coupled with a long history of poor decision-making can profoundly blur the lines between a “Q” and an “N”. (Chuckles) That’s why tonight I’d like to offer my apologies to the armed forces personnel inside Iraq, and ask them politely to move some in to Iran. Iran is now an enemy. I’ve also asked the C.I.A. to look through their atlases, and let me know if there are any other countries beginning with an “I”. Though there are a great number of respectable countries beginning with vowels, I’ve come to mistrust those beginning with an “I”. I would therefore like to ask the armed forces personnel currently fighting in Iraq, and now Iran, to also invade Indonesia; a country I know little about, including its policies, government structure, or even location. But if it’s somewhat close to either Iraq or Iran, I think we’d be doing the right thing. Also, I have a vague recollection from my college days of a country named Indochina. I’m not sure if it still exists, or ever did for that matter, but again - if it’s close to these other troublesome “I” countries, I’d like to get some people with guns on top of it. Lastly, I’d like to apologize to the residents of Idaho and Indiana. If I had known they were states, not countries, and actually part of America, I would’ve moved heaven and earth to call off those nuclear air strikes. It will be a long winter, “I” states, but we’ll come through it together. Lastly, lastly, I’d like to say, "Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
