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Claire de Lalune.....Maya Rudolph Ray Orbits.....Seth Meyers Bob Cosmos.....Horatio Sanz Fredrick Sunstorm.....Snoop Dogg Marsha Moonie.....Rachel Dratch Announcer.....Chris Parnell [Scene: Newsdesk scene. Super 'News at Noon from the Moon'.] Announcer: (v/o) Live from habitation complex 24 it's the News at Noon from the Moon. The first and only newscast from the moon. For the latest on lunar events for this Saturday May 8, 2024, here's Claire de Lalune and Ray Orbits. Claire de Lalune: Hello, I'm Claire de Lalune. Ray Orbits: And I'm Ray Orbits. Claire de Lalune: Our top story tonight: Trouble with the oxygen tanks in habitation complex 11. Panic broke out this morning when residents of habitation complex 11 found themselves short of breath. As it turns out several of the complex's oxygen regenerators had gone off-line during the night. An engineer was dispatched to the scene and quickly fixed the malfunctioning machinery. At last report, members of habitation complex 11 were breathing easy. Ray Orbits: In other news...well, there wasn't any other news. But maybe that's a good thing after that last story. Phew. Well, now we'll just cut over to Bob Cosmos for the weather report. Bob? Bob Cosmo: Thanks Ray. Woo, well let's get right to it shall we. We'll take a look at the satellite photograph. Alright, as you can see the moon has no atmosphere so there's no chance of rain or wind or anything like that. However, the solar wind...deadly as usual. And the ultraviolet reading outside today is 10,000 which means exposed skin will burn almost instantly. So if u're planning to leave the habitation ring don't forget to wear your space suit. Inside however, it should be a comfortable 295.15 Kelvin. Please report any anomalies to the proper authorities. And don't forget to take your vitamin D kids. That's D for deeeelicious. [Bob Cosmos begins choking and coughing.] Ray Orbits: Uh, this just in. Beloved Channel 1 weatherman Bob Cosmos is fighting for his life as he has apparently choked on something. Reports are fuzzy at the moment but early eyewitness accounts suggest it might have been a Baked Alaska...though some sort of terrorist attack has not been ruled out. Claire de Lalune: Alright, we've just learned that earlier reports of the Baked Alaska were totally false. It's being reported that it was a pill....no word on what kind of pill yet...though Bob Cosmos is rumored to have an addiction to Percodan. Alright, it appears his condition is worsening... [Bob Cosmos stands still for a moment then let's out a huge cough.] Bob Cosmos: Oh man. (takes a deep breath)Don't worry, I'm fine. Ray Orbits: Oh... Bob Cosmos: That darn vitamin D went through my suck hole and on it's way to my freeze dried food hole it must've knocked some spit down my blow hole! Wow, now I know how those poor guys in habitation complex 11 must've felt. Scary stuff. I'm okay now though, so on with the show. Ray Orbits: (kinda sad)Alright then... Bob Cosmos: Oh wait, I almost forgot. I'd like to send a very special happy birthday greeting to Arnie Taylor in habitation complex 12. He's 36 today! Good job Arnie. Back to you Claire and Ray. Claire de Lalune: This just in. Bob Cosmos, beloved Channel 1 weatherman is no longer choking on what has been determined to have been his own saliva. He has weathered the storm and is expected to make a full recovery. Ray. Ray Orbits: I guess...we'll just move on to sports. So let's go to Marsha Moonie for the latest. Marsha. Marsha Moonie: Thanks Ray. Well, since limitations on modern oxygen regenerators prohibit any prolonged physical activity there's not too much to report. Yeah sports are fun but we sure wouldn't want a repeat of what happened in complex 11. Scary stuff indeed. Ray Orbits: Anything else? Marsha Moonie: Well, for all you moon golf enthusiasts, construction has just begun on Donald Trump's 18 hole golf course and casino on the east side of the Sea of Tranquility. Ray Orbits: Great. Any idea when that will be completed? Marsha Moonie: Nope. Though word is, this might be the project that finally sinks him. Claire Lalune: Alright then. I guess it's time for the News from the Moon at Noon special report. We've all heard about it but no one likes to talk about it. It's time now to learn more about what it's like (dramatic pause) on the dark side of the moon. Ray Orbits: And to do that, we go live to our reporter in the field Fredrick Sunstorm. Fredrick, can you hear me? [Shot cuts to whoever is talking. Fredrick Sunstorm is wearing a space suit and holding a microphone. Yeah, hand held microphones probably wouldn't work on the moon...] Fredrick Sunstorm: (pause) Yes, yes I can Ray. Ray Orbits: Well, we've all heard about it...the dark side of the moon is engulfed in both perpetual darkness and perpetual mystery. So, is the dark side of the moon the scary enigma we've all grown up believing it to be? Fredrick Sunstorm: (pause) Nahhh. There's nothing here. Even if there was you couldn't see it because it's dark all the time. It really sucks. I suppose you could walk around with a flashlight and explore but I have no idea why anyone would want to do that really. Seems like it would be a real waste, what with there being nothing to find and all. I found a crater and even that was lame. I named it the Sea of Boringicity. It's right over there...somewhere. Ray Orbits: Anything more to add? Fredrick Sunstorm: Nahhh. I think I'm gonna lie down for a bit. [Fredrick Sunstorm drops out of shot as he lies down.] Ray Orbits: Alright, well that really gives us something to think about. Claire. Claire de Lalune: Thank you Ray. We're going to commercial now but stay tuned because after the break we'll have a very very special guest, Al Gore. Ray Orbits: He'll talk about how he discovered the moon and became it's president, so don't touch that remote...we'll be right back. [Shot pulls back as music plays. The newscasters appear to suddenly fall asleep in their chairs. A group of assistants comes into scene with the frenetic action of a pit stop crew. They're carrying smelling salts and those big coffee dispensers. Their mission: keep the newscasters from falling asleep due to boredom. I'll bet many of the readers are probably wishing they had one of those crews around right about now! Jerks...] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
