INT. Talk Show Set

KIP KASTLEBURGER (Parnell) and DR. JERRY JORBALONEY (Forte) sit in chairs facing the camera. Soft music plays.

TITLE CARD: Negative Connotations with Kip Kastleburger

Kip Kastleburger: (music stops) Hello, everyone...I’m Kip Kastleburger and welcome to another edition of Negative Connotations, the show where aspects of our culture containing negative connotations are discussed, debated, and debunked. Today, we have renowned linguist Dr. Jerry Jorbaloney on the show. How are you doing, Dr. Jorbaloney?

Dr. Jerry Jorbaloney: Fine, Kip...how are you?

Kip: Just fine! Now, Dr. Jorbaloney...

Dr. Jorbaloney: (interrupting) Please, don’t call me doctor...call me Cutie.

Kip: (taken aback) Ok, uh...Cutie is, uh...here today to discuss...

Dr. Jorbaloney (Cutie): (interrupting) Now notice your unease at calling me Cutie, Kip?

Kip: Uh, yeah...I guess it is a little unsettling.

Cutie: It most certainly is, Sweetness. By the way, do you mind if I call you Sweetness?

Kip (Sweetness): Uh, sure, I guess.

Cutie: Now notice your unease again? See, that’s what I’m here to talk about. For example, the negative connotations that you calling me Cutie and me calling you Sweetness unfortunately have. Somewhere along the way, these words, which would have been complimentary in another era, have became negative in a highly specific but disheartening way.

Sweetness: Yeah?

Cutie: Sure! For example, if me and you walk into a bar, and I call you Sweetness, and you in turn affectionately refer to me as Cutie, the bartender is likely to serve us a couple of bitch drinks and tell us to get the hell outta there while our asses are still intact.

Sweetness: Sounds about right.

Cutie: And see how crazy that is? I mean, you take what are essentially two innocuous words with positive connotations, have me and you say them to each other, and then somehow we risk being tabbed as gay! It’s sick, really.

Sweetness: I agree. If you’re just joining us, you’re watching Negative Connotations. I’m Sweetness, and I’m sitting here with Cutie, a respected linguist, who is discussing the negative connotations of words within the English language. Now, Cutie, I understand you have some other words you’d like to see have more positive connotations within our society.

Cutie: Correct. The first word I would like to present (bends over the side of his chair to get a large placard) is corporation. (flashes the placard, which reads CORPORATION in big bold letters, to the audience)

Sweetness: Yes...a very negative word right now.

Cutie: Right. Since many corporations...are being accused of insider trading, violating anti-trust laws, and theft of employee pensions, the word corporation...has gained quite a stigma.

Sweetness: Yes it has...but was there anything notably positive about the word corporation in the first place?

Cutie: Sure! See, corporation is a noun meaning a group of people working together as one. That’s a good thing, right? And besides, corporations are what capitalism is all about.

Sweetness: Makes sense, I guess.

Cutie: Of course! Now, our next word is...(retrieves another placard) abortion. (flashes the placard, which reads ABORTION, to the audience)

Sweetness: Whoa, that’s a doosy, Cutie.

Cutie: Yes it is, Sweetness. Now abortion usually refers to the termination of a pregnancy, sometimes entailing the destruction of a fetus inside the womb. Now, I’m not for abortion in that sense...

Sweetness: Me neither. I mean, I’ve paid for a few of ‘em and all...

Cutie: Who hasn’t?

Sweetness: (chuckles) Yeah...but I’m still against it.

Cutie: Right, but the thing is, I am for abortion in the sense that it means the termination of say...a job, or like, a plan...like when army guys yell, "abortion! abortion!" into a walkie-talkie.

Sweetness: I think you mean, "abort! abort!"...right?

Cutie: Doesn’t matter...point is, abortion is a good word. It shouldn’t be associated with...with piles of unborn babies festering in a dumpster behind some guy’s clinic.

Sweetness: Hmm...you know, you couldn’t be righter, Cutie.

Cutie: Thanks, Sweetness. Now my next word has somewhat of a negative connotation, maybe more so among right-wingers or religious folk than others...(gets another placard) and it is blow job. (flashes the placard, which reads BLOW JOB, to the audience)

Sweetness: Isn’t that two words?

Cutie: Well, yeah, but they go together, right? I mean, it’s practically one word. When’s the last time you heard someone just say blow or...or just say job alone?

Sweetness: Didn’t you say job a couple minutes ago?

Cutie: Who cares! I’m sayin’ blow job shouldn’t have a negative connotation in our society.

Sweetness: Well, I think my wife associates more negativity with it than I do!

Cutie: I feel ya, Sweetness...I do. But hey, let’s get back to talking about blow jobs...and I mean real blow jobs!

Sweetness: You mean we weren’t just talking about real blow jobs?

Cutie: As it turns out...no! The word blow job is actually used as slang amongst professional glass blowers and it refers to a new work of art...like a drinking glass or a...glass fishbowl or something. And come on, should a work of art be thought of in such a lascivious light?

Sweetness: I guess not...

Cutie: Right. So, in order to get rid of this negative connotation once and for all, I propose that society start using the word blow job in a more positive and appropriate manner from now on. For example, instead of asking your wife to get up and get you a glass of water...say, "honey, please go get me a blow job of water"...see what I’m sayin’?

Sweetness: I think you’re on to something!

Cutie: And hey, at Christmas time, instead of a video game or a DVD, why don’t you get little Johnny a new blow job of goldfish!

Sweetness: Great idea, Cutie!

Cutie: Thanks, Sweetness! Now, for my final word for the day...(reaches over) we’re going to highlight what has become quite a detestable article of clothing in our society...the wife beater (flashes the placard, which reads WIFE BEATER, to the audience)

Sweetness: Again, that’s two words, isn’t it Cutie?

Cutie: Will you stop with the two words stuff?

Sweetness: (hangs his head in shame) Sorry...

Cutie: Now this is one of my least favorite words with a negative connotation. When people think wife beater, they imagine some jobless, trailer trash deadbeat dad standing outside his hovel smoking cheap cigarettes in a sleeveless, collarless pinto bean-stained t-shirt.

Sweetness: That sounds disgusting...

Cutie: It is...and that’s opposed to what a wife beater really is...a fine, upstanding man who goes to church, pays his taxes, and knows how to keep his wife in line.

Sweetness: Yeah. I mean, wait a minute...what?

Cutie: Yes...wife beater should not refer to some puke-stained, incest-bred monkey shirt...

Sweetness: (interrupting) No...what was that about keeping your wife in line?

Cutie: Listen, a wife beater is someone who understands that the threat of physical harm is the only way to keep your wife from sleeping with another man.

Sweetness: What? That’s not right! I’ve never hit my wife...and she doesn’t cheat on me!

Cutie: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you explain these then??? (reaches down from where he was getting the placards and pulls out what appears to be Polaroids. He hands them to Sweetness)

Sweetness: (snatching the photos and rifling through them) Oh, no...oh, god! Laura! How could you do this to me?

Cutie: See...now beating your wife ‘till she looks like an aborted fetus isn’t such a bad idea after all!

Sweetness: (sniffling) Shut up! (Cutie shakes his head in disdain) Well...this has been another episode of (wipes a tear from his eye) Negative Connotations...catch us next week when we discuss, debate, and debunk the negative connotations associated with...murder. Good night. (handing the photos to Cutie) Where did you get these?

[The soft music starts up and the title card appears again as the screen fades to black.]