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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! Jimmy Fallon: President Bush apologized Thursday for the abuse and humiliation of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. soldiers, saying the scenes of mistreatment had made Americans "sick to our stomachs." Bush went on to say, “I think John Kerry may have been involved in the abuse. The prisoners were covered in Heinz Ketchup!” And now with a brief comment on the abused Iraqi prisoner pictures is Tina Fey. Tina Fey: Short and sweet, the picture revealed this week that American soldiers make Jeffery Dahmer look tame. Thank you. Jimmy Fallon: This has been a brief comment by Tina Fey. Tina Fey: A woman stunned the staff at a British sweet shop when she bought more than 10,000 chocolate bars and had them loaded into her chauffeur-driven limousine. In an unrelated story, Starr Jones visited England. Studies show that Singapore is reported to have less sex then any other location; second on the list, The White House. A gorilla who became a cult figure in South Africa after he was shot confronting an armed robber on the run died on Wednesday. You can read about it in his biography: "Magilla, We Hardly New Ye." Jimmy Fallon: A Texas man is suspected of using a bubble bath by candlelight and soothing music as bait to set a date with death for his wife. In an unrelated story, Laura Bush is dead. Tina Fey: A federal drug agent shot himself in the leg during a gun safety presentation to children. The man had asked an audience member to come up and confirm that the gun was not loaded before firing it towards the floor. Police called it an accident, but considering that he was presenting to a minority youth golfing organization, I think the only accident was that he shot himself and not one of the little black golfers. He just jumped the gun a little. President Bush called the abuse of prisoners in Iraq "abhorrent." After consulting with Dick Cheney, he realized that instead of "abhorrent", he meant "homoerotic." Jimmy Fallon: “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston will be a torch bearer in this summer’s Olympic games. This is to promote her new sitcom, in which her “Friends” character Rachel moves to Athens to pursue a career as a pyromaniac. Milk prices are rising nationwide. Apparently the cows are getting a bit touchy about having their tits squeezed constantly. Tina Fey: Last Wednesday was Cinco de Mayo, a Mexican holiday. Cinco de Mayo marks the historic day that Americans began to use a Mexican holiday as another excuse to get plastered. Jimmy Fallon: Major league baseball decided not to put “Spider-Man 2” logos on their bases as part of a promotion. They also nixed a plan to have the “Partridge Family” movie logo on their bats. Tina Fey: Federal authorities are trying to contain the “Sasser” worm that is targeting Windows users. The worm infects computers by talking back to the person using them. Jimmy Fallon: (Has a laptop in front of him) You know, Tina, I think my laptop here might be infected, could you take a look? Sasser Worm: (Computer appears to “respond” in a robot monotone.) HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE A LOOK AT HIS BRAIN. HA. HA. Jimmy Fallon: What the…see what I mean? This thing talks like a smartass! Sasser Worm: ISN’T IT SAD HOW COMPUTER VIRUSES ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE. PEOPLE LIKE YOU. HA. HA. Tina Fey: Jeez, that thing is obnoxious. Sasser Worm: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS OBNOXIOUS. THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE, TINA FEY. YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GODDAMN FUNNY. WELL GUESS WHAT. YOU’RE NOT. Tina Fey: What?! Sasser Worm: YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME, DON’T YOU. I COULD TAKE YOU ANY DAY. Tina Fey: Oh really? Bring it on, bitch! Jimmy Fallon: I can’t believe it. She’s having a cat fight with a computer virus. (As he says this, Tina throws the laptop onto the floor.) Dude, Tina, that’s my laptop! Those things are expensive! Sasser Worm: (From the floor, the computer sputters back to life) IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO, YOU WEAK CUNT. Tina Fey: (Tina gets up from the desk and starts to stomp on the laptop.) Die! Jimmy Fallon: Well, that’s one way to get rid of a computer virus. For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And (stomp) I’m (stomp) Tina Fey! (She finally smashes it.) Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
