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Corporal Charles Graner.....Will Forte Private Lynndie England.....Rachel Dratch INTERIOR SHOT of a prison hallway with young PRIVATE LYNNDIE ENGLAND in army fatigues and a t-shirt with a cigarette hanging from her lips, just like the pictures. ENTER CORPORAL CHARLES GRANER in fatigues and a t-shirt. GRANER: Private England, I’ve been given orders from above that we need to break the will of these Iraqi prisoners to induce more confessions. Seems the higher ups aren’t satisfied with the intelligence they’ve been given, and Monkey Boy in the White House is putting the flak on us. Can you see what you can do about getting some more information from these prisoners? ENGLAND: (in Appalachian drawl with cigarette still hanging from her lip) I’ll do what I can sir. GRANER: (stares lovingly in her eyes) I love you. ENGLAND: I love you too Chuck! (They proceed to disgustingly make out.) GRANER: Now, on a totally unrelated note, we’re throwing a birthday party for Brigadier General Karpinski this weekend. We need some decorations, maybe some pictures for the party to liven the mood. Can you accomplish both of these goals by this evening? ENGLAND: I will do my best. (They make out again.) GRANER: Very well. I’ll see you at nineteen hundred hours. (England watches him leave, then turns to the camera.) ENGLAND: Break down the prisoners AND come up with decorations for the birthday party all in one afternoon? What am I gonna do? (The music from the Mentos commercial begins playing - “Doo doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!'”) (ENGLAND’S face lights up and she takes a pack of Mentos out of her pocket, and pops a Mentos in her mouth. We see a montage of her taking Iraqi prisoners, and stripping them naked. She puts bags over their heads and stacks them up in a naked pyramid. Meanwhile, the Mentos song plays:) Jingle: “It doesn’t matter the gore, torture’s better in war, and Mentos will make you think you’re right. Nothing gets to you, the CIA told you to, with Mentos you just know you’re right!” Beatings go better, when there’s torture, beatings goes better with Mentos, cause you know you’re right! (We see ENGLAND standing in front of a naked pyramid of Iraqi prisoners with bags over their heads. She puts her thumbs up just like in her infamous pictures as camera flashes. We then get a close up of her, as she pops another Mentos in her mouth.) ANNOUNCER: Mentos, the freshmaker! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
