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Announcer.....Will Forte Jay C.....Chris Parnell .....Mary Kate Olsen .....Ashley Olsen Jerry Seinfeld.....Jimmy Fallon (Camera fades in on an interview TV show stage) (Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses At Night” plays in the background) Announcer: And now, it’s time for “SPIKE TV’s The Jay – C Show”! Greasy Guy from “Pedophile Weekly” went and got himself his own show here on the only network for men…and now here he is…the poor man’s Carson Daly…Jay C! (A greasy, goonie looking guy enters the stage) Jay C: Hello, I’m Jay C and I wear my sunglasses at night! Thanks for tuning into tonight’s show. It appears the FCC is up my ass about a show I did a few weeks ago with Lindsay Lohan. To Ms. Lohan, I’m sorry…I really didn’t mean to refer to your “vagina” as “the shaved eagle”…I swear! And to the viewer at home, the next time that happens, I will come up with a more creative name for …that area of a woman. And with that…I would like to do some comedy…like Jay Leno does…an opening monologue. Are you ready to laugh? Okay! What’s the best thing about 28 year olds? (Skips a beat) There are 20 of them! What’s worse than having sex with an 8-year-old girl? (Skips a beat) Flippin’ her over and pretending she’s an 8-year-old boy! That’s for you, Michael Jackson. And that is my comedy monologue. (Jay C sits down at his chair on the stage) My guests tonight are two the most beautiful 17 year old girls you will ever see. Unfortunately for me, next month, they will turn 18…and they will go into the “Barely Legal Hall of Fame”. You might remember them from “Full House”, where the two of them shared the role of Michelle for all 8 seasons of the show. Forbes Magazine has reported that they are worth nearly $1 Billion. Please welcome, the greatest twin sister “ma nage a twa” I’ve ever dreamed about, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen! (Mary Kate and Ashley enter the stage, awkwardly greeted by Jay C) Mary Kate: It’s good to be here. Ashley: Yeah, a real excitement! Jay C: I’m real excited to have you here! Oh god! (Jay C appears to have let a ‘cumload’ go in his pants) Sorry, just give me a second. (Jay C falls out of his chair grabbing his waist) Ashley: What happened? Mary Kate: He looks ill. Jay C: No, I’m not ill. I just appear that way. That’s why they call me Greasy Guy. (Jay C gets up and sits down again and regains his focus) Jay C: Ladies, I understand you have a new movie out, “New York Minute”. I also understand that this fall you ladies will be starting college at NYU. Ashley: Yeah, my sister and I wanted to go to the same school and we love NYC. Jay C: You know, ladies, we in the pedophile / molester world have a different meaning for NYC. Do want to know what it is? Mary Kate: I guess. Jay C: NYC…nymphomaniac, young cumdrinkers! (Jay C starts laughing his ass off) Ashley: What the hell is that suppose to mean? Jay C: Never mind. Let’s take a break. (Fade out) (Fade in on a SPIKE TV commercial) Announcer: This Friday, Spike TV brings you one of the greatest names in comedy tackling the raunchiest aspects of adult life. It's “Jerry Seinfeld: I’m playin’ this room BLUE”! Tune in to watch the master of modern stand-up deliver hardcore, X-rated humor... (Fade in on "Jerry Seinfeld" on stage, with a microphone is his hand addressing an unseen audience.) Jerry Seinfeld: What's...the deal with...penises? I mean, how big...are these things...going to get? Eight inches? Ten inches? Twelve inches? Some people want to make them bigger! I think...they're big enough! And what about the vaginas? Who are...these people...with the vaginas? I want to know! I have noticed...that the people who have the vaginas... also have... very large breasts! (Laughs and cheers from the audience.) Announcer: “Jerry Seinfeld: I’m playin’ this room BLUE”! This Friday at 9:00, only on Spike TV. It's adult humor about nothing! (Fade out) (Fade in on The Jay C Show stage) Jay C: We are back! I asked the audience before the show to write down some questions for me to ask you two ladies. And all of their questions sucked. So, I came up with some questions myself to ask you. Question #1: Mary Kate, do you have a “Telly Savalas”? Mary Kate: What? Jay C: A Telly Savalas! A Kojak! Ashley, do you? Ashley: I don’t even understand the question. Jay C: Do you ladies have shaved “you-know-what’s”? Ashley: Eww! What does that matter to you? Jay C: I’m Jay C, a professional pedophile! These things are important to me! Mary Kate: This interview is over! Let’s go, Ashley. Jay C: Wait! Wait! I wanted you ladies to show a clip of your movie. Ashley: Okay. Jay C: Hey Paul, can you turn the lights off. (Stage lights go off) Jay C: Ladies, this film looks so good! Oh god! Mary Kate: Eww, what just hit my face! Ashley: Eww, I just felt it too! Eww! Jay C: Oh my god, not again! Ashley: Eww! It’s all slimy! (Stage lights turned back on; the Olson twins appear covered in a slime like substance) Mary Kate: What is it? Jay C: It’s nothing, just protein. That’s will wash out. This has been “The Jay C Show” for this week! Good night and we’ll see you next week…here on the only network for men, SPIKE TV! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
