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...Mary-Kate Olsen Male Audience Member.....Jim Downey Female Audience Member.....Paula Pell ...Ashley Olsen Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen! [ despite duel introduction, only Ashley Olsen steps foot onto Home Base ] Mary-Kate Olsen: Thank you very much, it's great to be here hosting the season finale of "Saturday Night Live". I'm sure many of you are wondering why Ashley isn't here with me. Well, there's been a great deal of confusion all week. What many people don't seem willing to understand is that my [ makes finger quotes ] "sister" Ashley Olsen doesn't exist. She's simply a PR ploy designed to increase my marketability as an actress. And that's fine for movies and sitcoms.. but this is live television, and I wanted the opportunity to appear as myself for once. I'd be happy to take any questions from the audience. [ sees a hand raised ] Yes, sir, go ahead. Male Audience Member: Yeah, hi. I was wondering.. will we be seeing a lot of sketches about twins tonight? Because I really love your younger sister Ashley. Will she be out later? Mary-Kate Olsen: As I explained, Ashley is a marketing ploy. She doesn't exist. There's only me. The adorable Olsen Twins are characters played by me, and me alone. Next question, please. [ acknowledges woman in the audience ] Yes? Female Audience Member: Are you sure there's only one of you? Because I've been hanging around the building all week, and I specifically remember seeing the two of you coming and going together all week. And, by the way, I thought the "I'm With Stupid" midriffs along 5th Avenue were completely inappropriate. Mary-Kate Olsen: [ forcing a smile ] No. sorry. There's just one of us. Me. I'm afraid you were conned. My production company loves to fool people like that. [ stops smiling ] I really hate it when they do that! Any other questions? [ acknowledges first man again ] Yes, go ahead. Male Audience Member: Yes, let me see if I have this straight. You were born on June 13th, 1986, correct? Mary-Kate Olsen: That's right. Male Audience Member: Right. So.. that means that you'll be of legal age in exactly 28 days, 12 hours and 35 minutes, right? Mary-Kate Olsen: I don't know. It's that what it says on millions of websites on the internet? Male Audience Member: I don't know about millions of websites.. but the ones with the horsey porn sure do. Mary-Kate Olsen: [ stunned ] Of course. Male Audience Member: So you'll be of legal age two minutes earlier than Ashley.. but I'm still more attracted to her because she's younger. Mary-Kate Olsen: How many times do I have to explain this? There is no Ashley Olsen. She's make-believe. I'm the hot young Olsen actress! Do you understand? [ a muffled noise can be heard behind a grouping of potted plants on the side of the stage near Mary-Kate ] Male Audience Member: [ sniffing the air ] Oh, my God.. I recognize that fragrance. It's Ashley's perfume! Ashley is here, everybody! [ Male Audience Member runs onstage, pushes the potted plants aside and reveals Ashley Olsen tied to a chair with rope, duct tape strapped over her mouth ] Male Audience Member: Ashley! Mary-Kate Olsen: [ disgusted ] You know, I thought this building had a level of heightened security in this day and age. I prefer not to be bothered with dopplegangers when I'm in performance-mode. Male Audience Member: Ashley! Oh, Ashley! Can I please have an autograph, or an 8x10 glossy, or even a swatch of your underwear? [ peels the duct tape off Ashley's mouth ] Ashley Olsen: No, you creep! Get away from me! Security! [ security guards drag Male Audience Member offstage ] Male Audience Member: [ defeatedly ] Not again.. Hey, do you guys know if the little girl on "Frasier" has a new sitcom gig lined up yet? Ashley Olsen: [ hysterical ] Mary-Kate, why are you doing this to me? Mary-Kate Olsen: Shut up, bitch! You're ruining my life! I'm twice the star you purport to be! Ashley Olsen: We're twins! Our fame is equal! We're nothing without each other! Mary-Kate Olsen: [ shaking her finger ] Oh, no no no no no! You're nothing.. without me! I hate you! I wish you were dead! Ashley Olsen: Stop it, Mary-Kate! You know you don't mean that! Mary-Kate Olsen: Oh, yes I do, dear sister! [ begins slapping Ashley repeatedly across the face ] Damn you! Damn you! Damn you to hell! Ashley Olsen: [ gasping for breath ] Mary-Kate! You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair! Mary-Kate Olsen: [ maniacally ] Butcha AAH, Ash! Ya AAH in that chair! [ mercilessly shoves Ashley's chair off the stage into the audience ] Ladies and gentlemen, we - and when I say "we", I mean me, not this sad little imitator. We have a great show for you tonight. J-Kwon is here, so stick around and we'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
