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Coach 1.....Ashley Olsen Coach 2.....Mary-Kate Olsen Mom.....Maya Rudolph Mom 2.....Amy Poehler Children.....Extras [Open to Coach 1 (Ashley) and Coach 2 (Mary-Kate) standing at the front of a large room, wearing purple t-shirts with a coyote on the front with jagged letters running across: Kyotes. There is a box of trophies in front of them. The team (all around 6 years old) and their parents sit at two long tables, Poehler and various extras among them.] Coach 1: It's been a real pleasure coaching this year. Coach 2: Thanks to your hard work the Kyotes were the number one basketball team in Kindness, Minnesota! (Team cheers) Coach 1: Even though we were forced to coach for a community service project. Coach 2: For stupid sensitivity training. Coach 1: We really enjoyed this season and we learned a lot. We want you to know, you are all very special to us. Coach 2: And just to show how much you mean to us we want to present you with special trophies, individualized to represent your individuality. Coach 1: We just want you to know that we love you, and we support you. Coach 2: That said let's get on with the show. Coach 1: Our first trophy goes to a kid who was always on time and ready to go. He's our VIP of the season, Tommy! (Tommy runs to the coaches and receives an award that looks like a watch) Coach 2: Tommy was a real joy, it just goes to show how prompt and unhappy you can be if you have an anal retentive, control freak of a mother. Coach 1: That kid will be in therapy by the time he's twelve, and he played great this season. Yeah for Tommy! (Coaches clap emphatically, the parents applaud somewhat unsure.) Coach 1: There's no way to beat around the bush in telling what this next child has meant to us this season. Coach 2: He was a huge presence on the court. (Coach 1 snickers) Coach 1: He was all over the court. (Coach 2 starts giggling) Coach 2: Come on up here Jimmy. (A chubby kid walks up to get his trophy) Coach 1: One time Jimmy came before everyone else, and I thought he ate the team. (Holding a trophy that looks like a burger in one hand she grabs him and puts him in a headlock.) He's full of surprises! (Hands Jimmy the trophy; he tries to bite it as he goes back to his seat.) Mom: (Standing up) This is absurd, you're just insulting our kids. Coach 1: You must be Jeremy's mom. Coach 2: It's nice to see you actually here. Coach 1: We were starting to think Jeremy could transport himself. Coach 2: We were going to sell him to scientists for research. Jeremy: (A skinny boy with large glasses in suspenders) Mommy, I'm scared. Mom: I do the best I can. I have to work to support my children. Coach 1: And that's why Jeremy is getting this special award. Coach 2: We understand your daddy left, you'll never have a sense of manhood and your mom is shoving you into as many sports as you can possibly suck at so she doesn't feel like such a big, ugly failure of a mom. Using the team as a way to get two minutes of quiet time until the baby starts screaming bloody murder and she's driven into the arms of another man: Jack Daniels. We know your mom is far too busy working hard for you and your family to know how terrible a basketball player your really are. Coach 1: This trophy's for you, we know it's not your fault you shoot like my blind, dead grandmother and we forgive you. (Mom sits down; Jeremy walks up, timid and clumsy, and takes the trophy a basketball hoop with a spring loaded basketball that shoots far left of the hoop before plopping back into place.) Coach 2: Our next trophy goes to Sam. My favorite thing about Sam is that he really loves his mommy. Coach 2: It's so cute. Coach 1: I remember the first time we put him on the court, and he missed her so much he just sat down screaming: "Mom! Mom!" Coach 2: Adorable. Coach 1: Even when someone tried to pass to him and the ball hit him on the back side of the head. Coach 2: He just screamed louder, "Mom! Mom!" Coach 1: That's why we're giving him the Pussy award. (Gasp from parents.) Coach 2: I've got one. Coach 1: I've got one. Coach 2: And he has one too. Congratulations Sam. (Sam walks unsurely to receive his award which looks like a kitty.) Mom 2: (Standing up) This is entirely inappropriate. You can't say those kinds of things to children. Coach 1: Who are you? Mom 2: Mrs. Silvers. Coach 2: (thoughtfully) Right, Gavin's mother. Mom 2: Yes, and we are leaving. Gavin: But I haven't got my award. Mom 2: You don't want it. Gavin: Yes I do. Coach 1: Of course he does, it's a really great award. Coach 2: Not to brag, but it's probably the best award of them all. Mom 2: No, I don't ever want you to talk to my son again. Gavin: Mom! All the other kids got an award. Aren't I special? Mom 2: Of course you are. Coach 2: Which is great because this is a very special award. (Mom 2 reluctantly stays.) Coach 1: From the first time we met Gavin.. Coach 2: When we laid eyes on him.. Coach 1: We knew there was something special about this kid. Coach 2: He just has a way about him that really moves a part of me. (Mom 2, softening up) Coach 1: You can look right at him, and see what a great heart he has, and how much potential he has in his future. Coach 2: And you know, without a question of a doubt -- Coach 1: He is going to be one hot homosexual. Mom 2: What! Coach 2: This little queer bomb is going to drive the boys crazy! Mom 2: That's enough! (Grabbing Gavin) We're leaving! Gavin: What's a homosexual? Coach 1: What? What's wrong with that? In ten years he can pick you out clothes that don't make you look like a trailer trash cow. Coach 2: It's not a bad thing to support other people's life choices. God, you people are so judgmental. Coach 1: And we're the one's who need sensitivity training. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
