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James Name…Jimmy Fallon Scott Wanker…Fred Armisen Fyodor O’Hurley Cameron…Mary Kate Olsen Dostoevsky O’Hurley Cameron…Ashley Olsen Porcelain Gum… Maya Rudolph Local Man…Horatio Sanz Local Woman…Amy Poehler Employee…Seth Meyers Announcer…Chris Parnell Paramedic Nick… Dave Coulier (special guest appearance) Paramedic Gary…Bob Saget (special guest appearance) …Man #1 …Man #2 …Man #3 …Woman #1 …Woman #2 …Mystery Guest Announcer V/O: Live from an unnamed location it’s What’s In A Name? Tonight: Identical twins Fyodor and Dostoevsky, porn star Gregor McEwan, with Scott Wanker and the check your local affiliates orchestra. And now, a man whose last name is just that: James Name. [James walks out from behind a curtain] James: Hello everyone, I’m James Name, welcome to the show. Boy, you know, the strangest thing happened to me the other day. I hailed a cab and asked the driver to take me to the Empire State building. Here’s the weird part; he acted all confused, like my request was out of the ordinary or something. Scott: Well, we do live in rural Idaho. James: Yeah, but that’s beside the point, I mean I was fully prepared to shell out a grand or two if I had to. Of all the crazy names I’ve come across, none is crazier than that of my good friend Scott Wanker. (James singles out Scott and goes to sit down at his desk) James: What a great show we have tonight, Fyodor and Dostoevsky will be joining us in the studio, not to mention porn star Gregor McEwan. While we’re on the subject, there’s something I’ve always wondered. Scott, if you had to choose, what would your porn name be? Scott: James, I don’t like where this going… James: You know, I only ask because I couldn’t for the life of me think of something suitable for someone named Scott Wanker. Scott Wanker? That’s a tough one. Scott…Wanker…Wanker…Scott…Stop everything! I think I’ve got it. Your porn name would be…wait for it… (He signals to Scott) James: Penis me up Scotty. (Scott does a faint rim shot on the drums) James: Did you folks at home think I was going to incorporate wanker in there somehow? I bet you did. O.k. before we bring out our guests, What’s In A Name? corespondent Porcelain Gum has been travelling all across America and would like to share some of her stories with us. Porcelain, come on out here. (Porcelain enters from behind the curtain and sits down next to James) Porcelain: Hey James. James: Nice to see you Porcelain. How have your adventures been coming along? Porcelain: Great. In fact, I’ve brought back some footage highlighting my recent trip to Ottawa, Michigan. James: Ottawa? This had better be funny. Role tape. [Cut to Porcelain interviewing a man on the street] Porcelain: What’s it like living in Ottawa? Local Man: It’s o.k. I guess. Porcelain: Maybe it’s just me, but this doesn’t really seem like the best location for a Capital city. [Cut to another interview] Porcelain: I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the Parliament Buildings? Local Woman: If by Parliament Buildings you mean City Hall, then two blocks West of the old Fire Station. [Cut back to the first interview] Porcelain: I’ve got a great idea, let’s get out our picture taken with a Mountie. Local Man: I told you already, this isn’t THAT Ottawa. I’m outta here. (Local Man turns his back to the camera and walks away) Porcelain: Where are you going? Way to show off that famous Canadian spirit. [Cut to Porcelain as she enters a 711] (She takes a brief look around and goes over to the cash register) Porcelain: Excuse me, have you got any gum? Employee: What does that look like to you? (he points to the gum) Porcelain: You don’t have the kind I like. Employee: And, prey tell, what kind would that be? Porcelain: (smirks) Porcelain gum. Employee: You retarded or something? [Cut back to studio] James: (claps) That was just great. Where to next Porcelain? Porcelain: Just to prove we don’t have anything against Canadians, we’re heading off to Regina. James: Oh, the possibilities. Porcelain Gum everyone. (Porcleain leaves the stage) James: Our first guests are identical twins, please give a warm welcome to Fyodor and Dostoevsky. (The girls enter from off-stage and sit down next to James) James: Hi there. Nice to meet you both. Dostoevsky: It’s great to be here. James: Forgive me, but which one are you? Fyodor, right? Fyodor: No, I’m Fyodor. James: My bad. I think I’ve got it straight now. Dostoevsky: No problem. Believe me, we get it a lot. James: No, really, I feel terrible about making that mistake. I’m such an…wait for it… (James signals to Scott) James: Idiot. (Scott hits the drums weakly) James: Just kidding with you. I know I’m not the only one who wants to ask about your first names. Care to explain? Fyodor: Well, our parents were big fans of the author’s work and read his stories to us in the womb, so the names only came naturally. James: Neat. I think you have just topped TATU as the most interestingly named Russian chicks we’ve ever had on the program. Dostoevsky: Oh, no, we’re not Russian. Our father, William Cameron, is fierce Scotsman. Fyodor: And I challenge anyone to find a prettier Irish lass than our mother, Shannon O’Hurley. James: Scottish, huh, just like Scott, and Irish. Let me guess, you grew up in…wait for it… (James signals to Scott) James: England. (Scott hits the drums with minimal effort) Dostoevsky: Actually, we grew up on a farm in Mozambique. James: O.k., let me get this straight, you are identical female twins named after a famous Russian writer, one of whom has a last name for a first name and the other who has a man’s name as a first name, who share Scottish and Irish heritage but grew up in Mozambique? Fyodor: Yep, that pretty much sums it up. James: I’m speechless…I (grabs his chest and collapses in his seat) Dostoevsky: Oh my God! Scott: James! Are you o.k.? [Cut to the What’s In A Name? logo] Announcer V/O: We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by. (10 seconds pass) Announcer: It looks like the delay will last longer than expected. To pass the time, here is a thought-provoking question: If Halle Berry were a pie, what kind of pie would she be? Think about it. (10 more seconds pass) [Cut back to the studio. Two paramedics stand beside James center stage] James: Sorry about that, I had…what do you call it again? Paramedic Nick: A heart attack. James: Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, if it weren’t for the heroic efforts of Nick and Gary here, then the next time anyone saw my name might have been in the obituaries. Give them a hand folks. (The audience cheers as Bob and Gary leave the stage) James: Nick and Gary everyone. (James returns to his desk and picks up a card) James: Ladies and gentlemen, here’s tonight’s Top Six List. [Cheap computer graphics introduce the list] James: The category tonight: The Top Six names that remind people of a breakfast cereal. To present tonight’s list, we have six fine folks whose names do in fact remind people of breakfast cereals. All right, number six… Woman #1: (walks out from off-stage) Florence Frakes. (A driver’s license photo appears on screen after each person to prove they do in fact have that name) James: Number five… Man #1: Captain Neil Crunch. James: Number four… Man #2: Freddy Wheaton. James: Number three… Woman #2: Christy Rice. James: Number two… Man #3: Chris T. Rice. James: Ha! You see how that one works Scott? Very clever. Scott: (sarcastically) Yeah, a brilliant job by our writers. James: And the number one name that reminds people of a breakfast cereal. Scott, a drum role if you please. (Scott does a drum roll as Special Guest comes out from behind the curtain) Special Guest: Cheri Oteri. (The audience cheers) James: We’ll be right back with Gregor McEwan. [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
