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Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell Donald Rumsfeld.....Darrell Hammond Reporter #1.....Rachel Dratch Reporter #2.....Maya Rudolph Reporter #3.....Fred Armisen (Fade in) Announcer: And now, a late breaking story. Now in New York, Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw: Good evening, I’m Tom Brokaw. With more and more "shock and aww" imagery coming out of Iraq this week, America begins to wonder what the hell is going on! First the “Friends” finale, then the “Frasier” finale and now…this, the most apocalyptic one of them all…the “Survivor All Star” Finale. What is happening to American Television? Pretty soon, you’re going to see Soap Opera stars on the season finale of “Hope & Faith”. No, wait that already happened. (Pause) Donald Rumsfeld is at the White House where he is holding a press conference. (Camera fades to Donald Rumsfeld standing at the podium ready to address the crowd of reporters) (Rumsfeld stands sternly and speaks in a very aggressive tone) Donald Rumsfeld: Hello. I understand many of you have questions. They will have to wait, because guess what…I make the rules! (Rumsfeld takes a very long pause) Donald Rumsfeld: Okay, you fools. Ask…ask those important questions of yours! Yes? Reporter #1: Mr. Rumsfeld, can you comment on the pictures of the abused Iraqi prisoners? Donald Rumsfeld: Well…I can only say that, if you are a tyrant, we’re gonna get you and make your life a living hell! If you know a tyrant, we’re gonna mess you up and take pictures. Come on, folks…it’s the American way! If you have a problem with that, then stick your thumb up you butt and we’ll come and get ya! Reporter #1: Mr. Rumsfeld, how can you justify that as an answer? Donald Rumsfeld: Missy, our country is at war! Don’t question my authority! I’m a man…you’re a woman. Let’s not confuse things! Reporter #2: Mr. Rumsfeld, the White House still has not made any official public statements as to the reasoning behind why they send troops to Iraq. Can shed to some light on this issue? Donald Rumsfeld: Well, it was my understanding that American troops were sent to Iraq because…(states line like Elwood Blues) they were on “a mission from god”. Reporter #2: Mr. Rumsfeld, you are obviously quoting a notable line from the 1980 film “The Blues Brothers”. Donald Rumsfeld: Yeah, so. It was on VH1, today. You got a problem with that? Yes? Reporter #3: Mr. Rumsfeld, with the death of former NFL star Pat Tillman and the number of American deaths in Iraq, Afghanistan and other foreign nations growing by the minute, when do you think troops will be pulled out of said countries? Donald Rumsfeld: Well, Missy… Reporter #3: I’m a dude. Donald Rumsfeld: My mistake. Missy, one thing you have to get straight is that anyone that enters the military should understand that they are putting their lives in the balance from minute one! Anyone who dies in combat is a friggin’ moron! The war is not all “Hogan’s Heroes” and “M.A.S.H.”! Combat isn’t Jamie Farr runnin’ around in dress! Not all the time…some of the time, yes, but not all the time. It’s serious! Ya got me? (Reporters continue to want to ask questions) Donald Rumsfeld: Now, if you’d excuse me, I have an interview with “GQ” magazine. (Fade out; Camera fades back to Tom Brokaw) Tom Brokaw: That concludes the press conference from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Apocalyptic! I’m Tom Brokaw. NBC News, New York. Good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
