|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Victor Smiles.....Will Forte Hector Frowns.....Fred Armisen .....Mary Kate Olsen .....Ashley Olsen Announcer.....Maya Rudolph [Cut to a still picture of Smiles frowning and Frowns smiling] Announcer: It’s time again for Smiles and Frowns, the current affairs program hosted by two regular folks, just like you and me. [Cut to a smallish studio. Victor and Hector are sitting opposite each other] Hector: My name is Hector Frowns and I’d like to personally welcome you to Smiles and Frowns. I’ve had a great day, taught a yoga class in the morning and spent the afternoon serving meals to the homeless. Hopefully we can get a lot accomplished tonight. To my left is my co-host Victor Smiles. How was your day Victor? Victor: Crap, like usual. I want to kill myself. Hector: Don’t even joke about stuff like that. I hear we’re popular among the teen crowd and we wouldn’t want to give them any bad ideas. Victor: I guess you’re right. I urge any teens watching not to drink an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol, found in most medicine cabinets, otherwise you will die. Hector: Um o.k…Let’s talk about the cinema, shall we? I know that nothing thrills me more than taking in a thought provoking motion picture at the local independent, how about you Victor? Victor: I don’t go to the theatre very often, not after the traumatic experience I had over ten years ago. Hector: You know I’m here to listen. Victor: Well, I was at a screening of “Jurassic Park” and there was this guy in front of me smoking a cigar. Not only was the smoke clouding up the screen but it caused me to cough quite violently. So, anyway, I told him to put it out. Hector: That doesn’t sound too bad. Victor: It turns out he was in fact the theatre manager and, not only was I was verbally and physically abused, but I was banned for life. Hector: Victor, I’m sorry. Don’t you think it’s about time to move on though? I definitely recommend checking out “The Passion of the Christ” while you still can. It’s a brilliant motion picture that reaffirmed my faith. You know, many moons ago, I was in a position where my knowledge of all things Biblical actually saved someone’s life, in the literal sense. Victor: Really? Hector: Yeah, I was walking home from an anti-globalization rally that I had organized earlier in the day and suddenly I spotted this woman about to jump from the top of a 30 story building. The police couldn’t make any headway, so I thought I’d take matters into my own hands. My marathon training paid off and I raced up the stairs before she had a chance to take the plunge. Ten minutes later I had talked the poor lady down by exposing her to Jesus Christ, our Lord and savior. As incredible as that may sound, you know what the most amazing part of it all was? Victor: What? Hector: That woman is now my wife. Victor: I have a story too, but it’s quite a bit darker than yours. Hector: By all means share it with us. Victor: When I was a young boy, growing up on my Grandparents’ farm, I once stayed up late to read the Bible by candlelight. Hector: How adorable. Victor: I’m not finished yet. Anyway, long story short, I feel asleep and I guess I had forgotten to put out the candle because when I awoke the house was on fire. Hector: Oh no! I hope everyone was o.k.? Victor: Don’t worry, my Grandparents survived the blaze. Hector: Phew, I thought for a minute that this was going to end tragically. Victor: Oh, actually it did. Turns out their life savings were hidden under the kitchen floorboards. I was sent to live in an orphanage and they both starved to death. Hector: I just don’t know what to say. Maybe some escapist fun like “The Punisher” would be right up your alley. Victor: No way! I refuse to see it. Hector: What on earth for? Victor: Did I ever tell you why I was living with my Grandparents in the first place? You know, seeing mobsters blow your parents brains out while you remain hidden behind the closet door can easily screw up a guy for life. Hector: Victor, everything is going to be o.k. Just talking about it is a first step. If I’d known, I would never have brought up “The Punisher.” “Van Helsing” would probably be a safer bet. Victor: You know, I always had this secret ambition to be a chemistry teacher. Want to know why I never fulfilled my dream? No, not marks, not money, not even women. It was simply because I was named Victor. That bitch Shelley has caused me no end of trouble. Hector: You poor, poor man. Well, maybe the film “New York Minute” is the one you’ve been waiting for. Speaking of that picture, we’re lucky enough to have the stars joining us in the studio tonight. It’s my privilege to introduce Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. (The Olsen twins walk out and sit down next to Victor and Hector) Hector: Welcome to the program. Ashley: It’s nice to be here. Mary Kate: Thanks for having us. Hector: No problem. Let’s talk about “New York Minute.” I hear that you really enjoyed… Victor: (grabs his head and shakes it uncontrollably) Charles! Oh Charles! Hector: Victor, what are you doing? Don’t be so rude to our guests. Ashley: It’s o.k. Hector: I don’t think it is. Back to the topic at hand, what was it like working together on set? Do you still get along? Mary Kate: Absolutely. She’s my best friend and… Victor: My dear Charles. You were not one for this cruel world. Hector: Girls, I’m really sorry about all this. I must apologize for his behaviour? Mary Kate: No problem. Hector: Victor, what’s wrong? Who’s Charles? Victor: My identical twin brother. (cries) He died shortly after childbirth and I never got a chance to know him. Hector: Man, that must have been tough for you. Let’s save it for after the show, o.k.? We’ve got to let our guests speak a little. Ashley: Hey, lighten up. Mary Kate: Yeah, he’s obviously hurting. (The twins get up and hug Victor) Victor: Thank you, I needed that. Mary Kate: It was nothing. We can definitely relate to your situation. Ashley: Absolutely. Want to talk about it? Victors: nods) Well, to begin with, you have to understand that I was the product of an incestuous relationship… [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
