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Amanda.....Ashley Olsen Future Amanda.....Mary Kate Olsen H.G. Wells.....Chris Parnell .....Brad Pitt [Scene: Talk show setup. Amanda and H.G. Wells are sitting in chairs. Super 'Time Traveling Today?' with some funky music. Pan in on Amanda the host.] Amanda: Hello, my name is Amanda Winkles and welcome to 'Time Traveling Today?' the first and only show that deals with issues facing the modern time traveler. We're very lucky today to have with us one of the earliest pioneers in the field of time traveling...Mr. H.G. Wells. Welcome to the show Mr. Wells. H.G. Wells: Thank you Amanda but I have to say I'm hardly a modern time traveler. I'm more of a blast from the past. Amanda: Ha ha, yes perhaps I should change that to modern time traveler, the future time traveler and those from the past. H.G. Wells: Well, I do have a time machine you could use... [Amanda shrugs and she walks off camera with H.G. Wells. H.G. Wells returns to his seat.] [Scene: Talk show setup. Amanda and H.G. Wells are sitting in chairs. Super 'Time Traveling Today?' with some funky music. Pan into Amanda the host.] Amanda: Hello, my name is Amanda Winkles and welcome to 'Time Traveling Today?' the first and only... Future Amanda: (v/o) PSST. Amanda: As I was saying... Future Amanda: (v/o) PSST. Over here. (camera pulls out. Future Amanda is keeping her face obscured on the stage side so H.G. Wells can't see it) Come here! Amanda: Uhh one second. (walks over to Future Amanda) You're me aren't you? Future Amanda: Uhh yeah. I just came back in time to give you this re-written intro. Amanda: What? Future Amanda: Just read the intro like this okay? Alright, be ya later alligator. Amanda: Wait...shouldn't that be: "Be me later, alligator"? [Amanda walks back to her seat a little stunned.] Amanda: Sorry about that. As I was saying, my name is Amanda Winkles and welcome to 'Time Traveling Today?' the first and only show that deals with issues facing the modern time traveler, the future time traveler and those time travelers from our past. We're very lucky today to have with us one of the earliest pioneers in the field of time traveling...Mr. H.G. Wells. Welcome to the show Mr. Wells. H.G. Wells: It's a pleasure to be here Amanda. Amanda: Tell me Mr. Wells, what do you think is the most important use for time travel? Collecting data? Checking historical facts? What? H.G. Wells: Well, though many people talk about the sanctity of the time line I have to say the most important use of the time machine is to go back and correct wrongs before they occur. Now certain events are unchangeable and are what we call core events. Like the rise of the Roman Empire or the birth of Jesus. However, there are many events that can, and should, be changed. For example, the Presidency of Al Gore and the subsequent invasion and conquering of the United States by Mexico. Amanda: What are you talking about? That never happened. H.G. Wells: Exactly. Amanda: Ohhh I get it so you could go back in time and change events that have a negative impact on people. Like, someone could go back in time and stop a spouse from... Future Amanda: (v/o) PSSST. (camera zooms out) Come over here. Amanda: Excuse me for a moment Mr. Wells. (walks over to Future Amanda) What are you doing here again? Why do you only have one arm? Future Amanda: That's why I'm here. When you mention the cheating spouse thing, the old crackpot goes nuts and tears your arm off. Amanda: Eww that's terrible. Future Amanda: Yeah and then he runs off with it and sells it to a one-armed lumberjack for a quarter, and worse yet the lumberjack gets it sown onto himself before you can retrieve it. Amanda: Damn it. I gave that lumberjack a quarter on my way into work this morning. He told me it was for a coffee! Wait...if his spouse cheated on him why didn't he just go back and make sure that never happened? Future Amanda: I tried to do that myself but it's one of those core events. It happens no matter what. So just go back there and don't say anything about a cheating spouse. You might be able to get a manicure at half price but girl...it's just not worth it. Amanda: Alright. (goes back to her seat. Sits on her hands so her arms are obscured.) So Mr. Wells, let's talk about the future shall we. How far into the future have you gone? H.G. Wells: Well, I've gone about as far as anyone would want to go. You don't want to risk going too far into the future like say...after the sun has gone super nova. They don't make a sunscreen that'll protect you from that. Amanda: (nervously) Ha ha ha. Future Amanda: (v/o) PSST. [Amanda walks right over] Amanda: Look I did what you said, we have our arm back, what do you want now! Future Amanda: Look. You don't mention the cheating spouse on stage but afterwards you find him crying back stage and you feel sorry for him. You two become friends and in a year from now you finally break down and have sympathy sex with him. Amanda: Ewww! Future Amanda: You have no idea...anyways, that's not the worst of it. You get pregnant and have a son. [Future Amanda hands Amanda a video tape.] Amanda: 'Sweating to the Oldies'? What's this for? Future Amanda: For some inexplicable reason your son goes back in time to become a fitness guru named Richard Simmons. Amanda: (caressing video tape) My baby... Future Amanda: (slapping Amanda) Snap out of it woman! You have to stop this from happening. Not just for us but for the sake of humanity. Amanda: Alright, I'll do my best. [Amanda starts to walk back onto the stage.] Future Amanda: (v/o) PSST! Amanda: Oh for goodness sakes what now? You were here like 2 seconds ago. Future Amanda: That wasn't me. That was the you that then caused you to become me...eventually. Now I'm here to warn you that no matter what you do you're going to end up marrying H.G. Wells. No matter what! Amanda: NO! That can't be. Are you sure? Future Amanda: Yep, I've tried everything... Amanda: Wait...what if it's not H.G. Wells that I'm destined to marry but instead I'm destined to hook up with whoever is the guest on the show? Future Amanda: Omigosh...I'm brilliant. Amanda: Let's go. [Amanda and Future Amanda leave together.] [Cut to Brad Pitt reading a script that says 'Fight Club' on it. Amanda and Future Amanda enter. The each move to opposite sides of him and scrunch in close.] Brad Pitt: Uh...hello? Amanda: Hi. My name is Amanda Winkles and I was wondering if you would be on my TV talk show. Brad Pitt: Uh...how did you get here. This is a closed set. Amanda: (noticing script) Fight club. Oh man you were great in that. Brad Pitt: We haven't even started shooting yet. Future Amanda: Yeah, yeah yeah. Look are you going to do the show or not? Brad Pitt: Well...I guess. How could I say no to two lovely ladies like yourselves. Amanda: (noticing that Future Amanda is hugging one of Brad Pitt's arms) Hey you, get off my future husband. Future Amanda: What's your problem I'm you. He's our future husband. Amanda: Well me, why don't I realize what's good for me and just shut my face and get lost. Future Amanda: You want a piece of you? C'mon, bring it. [The two girls begin fighting and fall out of scene pulling each other's hair.] Brad Pitt: (looking downwards and smiling) Heh, that never gets old. [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
