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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Subway Lady.....Rachel Dratch .....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! The Tennessee district of Rhea County is currently considering legislation that would ban homosexuals from the area. Next on the county commissioners' agenda; banning common sense, decency and tolerance. All are expected to pass without opposition. Jimmy Fallon: Speaking at Vanderbilt University this week, National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice compared Middle Eastern terrorists to members of the Ku Klux Klan, citing that both groups use violence to instill fear in their victims. She failed, however, to identify a great point of contrast between the two groups, in that the Klan does not admit Arabs. Tina Fey: Controversial liberal cartoonist Ted Rall has come under fire again for an editorial where he stated that the American troops in Iraq are "indistinguishable from the SS." Yeah, and I suppose in your eyes, Mr. Rall, the Iraqi army under Saddam Hussein was a group of saints. Oh sure, sure, you kept quiet when the Kurds are being gassed and buried by the hundreds of thousands, but when a few naked prisoner photos show up, all of a sudden we're worse than Hitler. Honestly! Start living in the real world! Fans of Rall will be happy to know that he is releasing a new collection of cartoons and commentaries about the events that transpired in Europe during the Second World War. The working title Rall chose for his book; "Holocaust Victims Had it Coming." Jimmy Fallon: An elementary school teacher in Dallas was suspended when he allegedly ordered his second grade class to take turns in hitting a classmate. Gee, even in this day and age, Ike Turner can't get any breaks. [Subway lady (Dratch) enters purposefully, dressed in a black business suit, onto the set, bringing her own chair and sitting directly between Jimmy and Tina.] Jimmy Fallon: (shocked) Uh - wait, weren't you on the subway this morning? Subway Lady: Yes, and that is why I'm here. I need to say this before things get complicated and emotions get put on the line; Jimmy, this needs to stop. I didn't realize it then, but when you were sitting across from me on the subway listening to your ipod as I stared at you over the top of my New York Times business section, you were bonding to me. And now we're bonded; it was all like superglue, so quick it happened before I even knew. (Snaps) Like that. Jimmy Fallon: I'm not bonded - Subway Lady: Denying our bondage only makes it worse. Don't you see that before I could say yes or no you've bonded to me? Tina Fey: I seriously doubt Jimmy - Subway Lady: You too, Tina? (Exasperated) You've bonded to me. You didn't even ask. You can't just bond with whoever you want. I'm such an independent person, I'm probably too independent; that's why I'm 49 and I've never been married or in a long term committed relationship. I'm very private, I don't tell people things. And when I'm around you I can't be who I am, I can't breathe. It's because I'm independent and you're bonding to me. Plus, I'm not into chicks. Tina Fey: I'm married - Subway Lady: (disgusted) You're married and you're still bonding to me? No wonder divorce is so common in this country. Jimmy Fallon: This doesn't make sense, how could we have "bonded"? I've never even spoken to you before now. We were just on the same subway. Subway Lady: (putting her finger against his lips, shushing him) You don't need to speak. Your clothes communicate what you want to say. They speak to me, and mine speak to you. Earlier, you were wearing green, and I knew you were communicating your envy that you weren't with me. Jimmy Fallon: I just like the shirt. Subway Lady: (Climbs into his lap and grabbing the lapels of his jacket) Stop bonding to me! You'll only make it worse. I see you wearing your white shirt, (petting his chest) white like scotch tape, and I'm Scottish and I know you're wearing that shirt to show how much you want me. But I can't do it! I'm too independent and I'm private. I can't just suddenly tell you everything about me. I can't go around telling everyone I'm a 5'2" 135 pound 49-year-old Protestant, who grew up in a small town in Oregon, failed her senior English class and currently works as an executive assistant. I'm a private human being! I need my space; my business is not your business. (Gets off his lap, back into her chair) The older you get the more scars are on your heart. Don't go through the hurt I've gone through. Forget about me, marry a nerdy girl with money; no matter how ugly you are she'll be grateful. Jimmy Fallon: What's that supposed to mean? Subway Lady: Pass that on to Mr. Forte. Tina Fey: The lady Jimmy met on the subway, everybody! Subway Lady: [scooting off set in her chair] Stop bonding to me! Jimmy Fallon: A Tennessee man who faked his suicide 13 years ago to avoid fraud and burglary charges has been found alive and well in California, this week. (Pause) Hang on! A late breaking story, Martha Stewart is dead! Tina Fey: A study this week shows the chlamdyia is on the rise for young American adults. In a related story, Paris Hilton! Paul McCartney's rock and roll practice session drew complaints from many people in an East London Suburb earlier this week. One 67 year old who complained of the loud noise told reporters "They play their music too loud nowadays, why in my day...dammit." Playboy is reportedly looking for women employees of Home Depot to pose for an upcoming edition of the magazine. Meanwhile, the magazine Big Chicks Monthly is reportedly working on a "Women of Costco" pictorial. Jimmy Fallon: A new study has shown that book sales have dropped dramatically over that last year. The study blames the drop on.. (awkward pause) Well I didn't quite finish reading the whole article. It was kind of long. (shuffling papers) I'm pretty sure it'll be on tape or something soon. I'll let you know. Pamela Anderson became an American citizen this week saying she felt it was important that she be able to vote. She added "It's important that everyone in this country votes. We have to make sure that what happened to Laytoya London doesn't happen again." Due to high gas prices, reports suggest that consumers may move away from SUVS to other transportation solutions which use less fuel, such as running to work while emptying jerry cans filled with gas. Tina Fey: An independent group of scientists have reported that they do not believe that the planned missile shield over North America will work effectively. They reached this conclusion through years of testing done with a minature version of the shield placed inside Kelly Ripah's vagina. Research has discovered that Lemurs are more intelligent than first thought and that the primates are able to use computers when given some kind of reward incentive. The prize used in this particular study: sweet Lemur porn. Tina Fey: And now here with a political commentary is Chris Parnell. Chris Parnell: This week, the Reform Party announced that Ralph Nader would represent them in the Presidential Election in November. Now, this made me a little angry because I am in support of the removal of the current President, because I feel he is a creep and a tyrant is his own right. Tonight, I’d like to speak to all the liberals here in the studio audience and at home watching this show. To all you liberals, I know you are for the removal of the current President. But guess what, any votes for Ralph Nader in 2000 were just votes that should have gone to Al Gore. The votes for Ralph Nader were what unofficially made George W. Bush the leader of our nation. Now some of you at home are probably wondering how the reform party or as it’s otherwise known as the third party, got started. You don’t really need to know the exact facts of it, but here’s what happened. 3 people, like Jimmy, Tina and I here, were just sitting around talking about how we want to a leader that could represent “The Average Joe”. And actual it didn’t even go down that way. I think two friends were just sitting around, having one of those, “What would you do?” conversations. You’ve been there. Your friend asks you, “Okay, you’re stuck in a prison cell, who would you rather have as your cell mate?” You start getting excited. Then, he says something like, “Okay, Charlie Mason, Jeffery Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Ted Kaczynski and Ed Gein.” So you’re like, “Okay, either Mason or Dahmer, because they both knew how to party.” Then you’re friend starts looking at you funny, because you picked two people who are the craziest nut cases in the bunch. Then there’s that weird awkward silence. (Pause) Anyhow, what I’m trying to say here is, all you liberals need to stop yelling Ralph Nader’s name like a rapper yells the word “bitch”, because he’s just pulling votes away from John Kerry. And I’m not say John Kerry is the guy for the job, what I’m saying is President Bush isn’t the guy for the job. Vote for a guy who is smart, funny, some-what good looking and has had experience leading the nation…none of the above! Thank you for listening! Tina Fey: Chris Parnell, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! 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