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Man.....Seth Meyers Escort.....Uma Thurman INT. Hotel Room - Evening MAN (Meyers) is scrambling around room in blue robe w/ Motel 6 logo on his back. He pulls a bottle of wine out of his bag, which sets on a table, and puts it on the end table beside his bed. Man: And that will go there. (a beat as he surveys the room) Wait a minute...that’s not right! [He runs furiously to pick up the wine bottle. A knock on the door is heard.] Man: (nervously) Oh god...that’s her! Why am I doing this? Female Voice: (outside the door) Jimmy’s Escort Service...open up, baby! Man: (yelling to her) Uh...hold on a sec, ok? [He runs over, picks up a box of condoms on a night stand, puts the wine bottle where they sat, and throws the condoms in the night stand drawer. He then runs over to a mirror near the door.] Man: (primping in front of the mirror) C’mon...you can do this! You need this! [Man opens the door. An escort (Thurman) is there and is made up to look like a streetwalker.] Escort: Hey darlin’...how you doin’? Man: (very anxiously) Hey... [He lets her in, shuts the door, and an uncomfortable pause sets in.] Man: Uh, what’s your name? Escort: My name’s Ginger. What’s yours? Man: Gary. Escort: Oh, Gary...that’s a sexy name! (makes eyes at him, removes coat) Man: (childishly) Boy...you sure do look good, Ginger! Escort: Why, that’s a very nice thing to say, sweetie! Are you ready for me to get undressed? Man: (stunned by her bluntness) Oh, uh...sure! Escort: Now why don’t you get out of that uncomfortable robe...and I’ll go get ready. Man: (rips off robe) Ok! [She goes to the bathroom, he quickly turns the lights down and hops into bed. She soon comes out in skimpier attire.] Escort: Ok, Gary...are you ready? Man: (from under the covers...only his face is seen) Uh, yes... Escort: Good...’cause I’m gonna rock yo’ world! Man: (in excitement) Oh, god... [The escort turns out the lamp, creating total darkness as she hops into bed with him. They move around under the sheets for about five seconds.] Man: (screaming loudly) Ahhhh! What the hell is that??? Escort: What is what? Man: (moves hand under sheets) That! Escort: Oh...that’s my penis, darlin’! Man: Oh, my god! [The man then shoots out of bed, turns on the lamp, and is noticeably angry and surprised.] Man: (shouting) A penis??? Escort: Yeah. What did you think it was, sugar? Man: Uh, well, I guess I knew that’s what it was...but I didn’t order a man! Escort: Don’t call me a man...don’t typecast me! Man: What? Escort: I’m a hermaphrodite! Man: (stupefied) What? What’s that? Escort: That means I have both male and female genitalia! Man: (grossed out) Ughhhh! Oh, god! (he starts dry-heaving violently as she gets out of bed) Escort: (very huffy) I don’t see what the big deal is! You asked for one! Man: No, I did not! I specifically told the person who answered the phone I wanted an Asian girl...dressed like a prostitute! Escort: Well, I’m not Asian! Man: I know...but I was willing to settle for whatever it is you are, except for the penis thing! Escort: What’s wrong with my penis??? Man: Nothing, I...I guess. I just wanted a vagina only...I mean, a girl only, and...uh... Escort: (interrupting) Well, I’m sorry! What do you want me to do? Man: I want you outta here right now! Escort: Oh, no...oh, hell no! We don’t get a lotta calls for hermaphrodites down at the office! I got kids to feed...I want my money! Man: Kids? What kind of sick person would sleep with a thing like you? Escort: For your information...hermaphrodites can’t have kids! Mine are adopted! Man: (softening up a bit) Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...I didn’t mean that. Escort: I don’t believe this! (starting to cry) I come up here, expecting fantastic sex and gas money for my Vespa, and all I get is the fact that I can’t bear children thrown in my face! Man: Listen, I didn’t mean it like that! Seriously, I didn’t know! Escort: (pulls tissue from a box on the night stand) Well, ok then...(sniffles a few more times) Man: I’m really sorry, alright? What can I do to help? Escort: Well, you could just pay me so I won’t miss this month’s TiVo payment...again. Man: I’m sorry...I can’t pay for sex I didn’t have. Escort: Ok, well how ‘bout we just have sex? I mean, since the surprise is out of the bag, it shouldn’t be a big problem...right? Man: Oh, no...it’s still a big problem! I mean, I married with two children, and if it was to get around that I had sex with an escort...that would be bad enough. But if someone found out it was a dirty he-she I banged...I’d be screwed! Escort: (angry but still saddened) Fine then...I’ll leave! (stands up and prepares to walk out) Man: Wait! [The escort turns around in anticipation.] Man: You wanna keep the wine I bought? Escort: Uh, sure... Man: Here.. (grabs the bottle from the end table and hands it to her/him) Escort: (looks at the label) This is a three dollar and ninety-nine cent bottle of Cisco, you ass! (hauls off and throws the bottle at him...he ducks and it crashes into the wall) Man: Uh...(goes and gets the condoms out of the drawer) what about condoms? You could probably use them, couldn’t ya? Escort: Bye! (angrily stamps out of the room and slams the door) Man: (yelling, sympathetic) Did I...did I mention it was a beautiful penis, ma’am...sir...I mean... [There is no response. He collects himself, sets the condoms down on the table, and begins picking up pieces of glass.] Man: Whew! The guys down at the blood bank are never gonna believe this! [He continues picking up pieces of glass as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
