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Boozzer.....Kenan Thompson Sally.....Uma Thurman Alex.....Seth Meyers Foosdude.....Finesse Mitchell Gazoo.....Horatio Sanz Posse.....extras [Scene: A street. A foosball table is set up next to a street cafe. Sally and Alex are sitting at a table while Boozzer and Foosdude play foosball. Posse stands behind Boozzer.] Boozzer: Woo yeah baby. You should thank me man. I done schooled you and never even charged you tuition. Man, I think you keep coming back just to get beat. You must be a loseaholic.. admitting it is half the battle. [Boozzer celebrates with Posse. Foosdude walks away sad.] Alex: Those street foosballers are loud...let's go someplace else where we can talk. [Alex and Sally start to leave.] Boozzer: (to Alex) Hey there boy! You look like you're up for a challenge. Alex: Who me? No thanks. Me and my wife are out celebrating a special event in our lives. Boozzer: (mocking) No thanks. Alright Casper keep moving then. Alex: Did you just call me Casper? Boozzer: Yes I did, because a) you're friendly...and b)...you're the whitest damn dude I ever seen. Alex: Hey...my dad is half Puerto Rican. Boozzer: Right. One question: do you like cover your face with Crest Whitening Strips and then lay down in a shallow pool of bleach every night? Alex: That's it! It's on! [Passage of time.] Boozzer: I'm gonna name that game Paris Hilton...because it was too damn easy. Alex: One more... Sally: Honey, c'mon that's enough. Let's just go. Boozzer: Hey baby why don't you dump that loser for a real man? Yeah sure he's eye candy but I got the kind of candy (jiggles his hand in his pocket) that tastes good in your mouth, you know what I'm sayin'? Alex: Why you son of a... [Sally holds him back. Boozzer takes out a 50 cent Pez dispenser and begins distributing them to Posse.] Alex: A pez dispenser? I thought he meant...never mind, let's just go. Sally: (stopping Alex) That's no ordinary Pez dispenser...that's a collectible 50 cent, iced out to the max, blingtastic Pez dispenser. It holds exactly nine Pez candies...one for each time 50 cent was shot. You fill him full of Pez bullets and he just spits them right back out at ya. Alex: What? Sally: Hey. You! Boozzer: You talking to me? If you are...the name is Boozzer, beotch. Sally: Alright Mr. Beotch, why don't you put your money where your mouth is... Alex: Uh honey... Sally: How about me vs you...for that Pez dispenser. Posse: Oooooh. Alex: Honey, what are you doing? Boozzer: Baby girl...I think you better turn around, go home and cook something for your skinny little man there. Alex: HEY! She does not cook! Oh wait...sorry honey I was trying to help. It's like I'm spring-loaded today. Maybe too much espresso I don't know... Sally: (to Boozzer) Well alright I'll go...if you're a fraidy cat. Posse: Oh man, she just punked your ass out. Boozzer: Hey shuttup, nobody punked me out. Alright it's on...but wait what's in it for me? (Posse whispers in Boozzer's ear.) Oh no, she'll never go for that...she ain't that brave. Sally: Try me. Boozzer: Well, my posse here have suggested an indecent proposal...if you follow. Sally: Sex? Pff you're on. I'll have sex with you, if I lose. Alex: What the hell? You can't do that. Sally: (aside to Alex) Relax...I was State Champion in high school. Alex: What? I didn't know that. Sally: I guess I'm just full of surprises. (kissing Alex) Now let me handle this. (to Boozzer) Alright, one night of unbridled sexual indulgence with me vs your 50 cent Pez dispenser. Boozzer: No no, it's not me have sex with you. My posse here wants to have sex with... (pointing at Alex) him. [Posse waves effeminately at Alex. Brief pause.] Sally: Okay. [Alex pulls Sally aside.] Alex: What are you doing? Sally: Relax it's fine. Alex: This is insane. If you lose I'll have to have sex with 3 big black guys! Sally: Honey...don't discriminate. Alex: Wha? No, I'm not discriminating. I don't want to have sex with 3 guys period. Sally: It's not that bad. Alex: What? Sally: Besides, I'm not going to lose. (pouting) Don't you trust me? Alex: Well...of course honey...but (touching her belly) do you really think you should be playing in your condition? Sally: I'm pregnant not handicapped. Now you just stand there and look pretty okay. Boozzer: So...what's the verdict Judge Judy? Sally: It's on. [Sally takes her place at the table and grabs the wrong game controls.] Boozzer: Uhh, yours are the ones with the grips. Sally: Oh...right. [Sally waves at her husband and then starts playing. Passage of time.] Boozzer: Alright. One more point and I win...or should I say they win. [Posse waves effeminately at Alex. Alex pulls Sally aside.] Alex: I thought you said you were state champion. You haven't scored a single point! Sally: Yeah...I think that might have been in badminton. Alex: You've killed me... Sally: Relax. I'll just get Gazoo to help. Alex: Gazoo? [Enter Gazoo.] Gazoo: That's the great Gazoo to you dumb-dumb. Alex: Who...or what the hell are you? Sally: He's the Great Gazoo. He helps me out from time to time. Don't you ever watch the Flintstones? Alex: Maybe I'm having sex with those guys right now...and this is my mind's way of coping. Sally: You're silly. Gazoo: Now, why did you summon me my lovely? Alex: My lovely? Sally: I need to be able to play foosball like a pro so I can win a sweet Pez dispenser. Alex: And so I don't have to have sex with 3 guys...I think that's a pretty important part of it too. Gazoo: [snaps fingers] It's done. Go kick some butt. [Sally goes to foosball table and begins playing.] Alex: I don't know what u did but it better work. Gazoo: Relax foolish human, it'll work. Alex: (mocking) Relax foolish human...if she loses, after I'm done having sex with those guys I'm gonna have sex with you and see how you like it! [Gazoo gives Alex a strange look. Passage of time.] Boozzer: Damn... Sally: Yes, I won! [Boozzer hands over the Pez dispenser and the Posse waves sadly at Alex before picking up the foosball table and moving on. Alex embraces Sally.] Alex: I have never been happier in my whole life. I'll be able to look my son in the eye and say, "No son, I have never had guy on guy group sex." Sally: And we have Gazoo to thank. Alex: Thanks Gazoo. [Gazoo waves off a hug.] Sally: Yeah, thanks for helping me win the Pez dispenser and thanks for the baby. You're too good to me. [Sally hugs Gazoo.] Gazoo: Oh it was nothing... Alex: Uh, why are you thanking him for the baby? Shouldn't you be thanking me? Heh. Sally: What? No. Gazoo is the one who made me pregnant. Where did you think the baby came from? Gazoo: What a dumb dumb. Alex: He...he made you...pregnant? Gazoo: Sally wanted a baby really badly and so I just... (snaps his fingers and notices Alex is angry) ...made it happen... Alex: Why you son of a bitch! [Alex starts pounding on Gazoo. Sally is trying to pull him off.] Sally: That's it, you're switching to decaf mister! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
