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Announcer.....Don Pardo Jay Mohr.....Seth Meyers "Just John Kruk".....Fred Armisen "B-Rabbit".....Chris Parnell Judge #1.....Will Forte Steven Seagal.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: And now, back to “Last Comic Standing II” with your host Jay Mohr. Jay Mohr: And we are back! We are down to our last 2 comics. All the way from “The 8 Mile Trailer Park” in Detroit, Jimmy Smith, Jr., but we just call him “B – Rabbit”…and all the way from “Cold Ass Buffalo, New York”, a comic who calls himself, “JUST JOHN KRUK”. (Pauses for applause) Can you feel the excitement! This is as exciting as a blowjob from an 88-year-old woman! Yeah! This is as exciting as my two years of drudgery on SNL! (Jay pauses, as he gets no laughs) Folks, if you didn’t get that last joke, buy my new book “Gasping For Airtime”. It’s a book about my two seasons of hell on the ole’ Saturday Night Live. Which if you didn’t know…Saturday Night Live airs on this network on Sunday nights. (Audience laughs at silly humor of Jay Mohr) Okay, let’s hear from “JUST JOHN KRUK”, but let’s first hear how he got to this stage. (Camera fades to a submission video of “JUST JOHN KRUK”) “JUST JOHN KRUK”: I’m “JUST JOHN KRUK”. I live in Buffalo, NY. My idol is John Kruk, who played for the Phillies. A lot of people have said that I look like him. (Awkward silence) And I want to be the last comic standing! (Camera fades back to the main stage) Jay Mohr: It’s time for some funny! Here is “JUST JOHN KRUK”! (“JUST JOHN KRUK” walks out to the stage) “JUST JOHN KRUK”: Hello. How are you? Good. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I live in Buffalo. I actually use to live in what is considered Buffalo’s backyard. I use to live in Canada. But, I live in Buffalo, now. This is my ordinary day. I get up…I go to work…I come home…I sleep…I get up…I eat…I shit…I go back to sleep…I get up…I go to work. Sounds fun, uh? I don’t know if you can tell…but I’m in a horrible mood. I saw that jackass William Hung on TV, the other night. He sang a shitty cover of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs”. Hey William, she bangs, she bangs, you suck, she bangs, she bangs, and you suck! Someone told me that they think William Hung is a good singer. Anyone who thinks William Hung is good singer should be shot in the face! William Hung is the worst singer in the world! He is the New Orleans Saints of the music industry! William Hung is like Screech from Saved By The Bell. Whenever someone brings up his name, everyone just starts laughing their ass off! “William Hung, Good Singer”, isn’t that an oxy-moron? If you think it’s not, you should be shot in the face! Saying the words “William Hung” and “Good Singer” in the same sentence should be a felony! If you think William Hung is a good singer, then you probably think Scott Peterson should get “The Husband of The Year” award! You probably think Yasir Arafat should be given another Nobel Peace Prize, too! If you support William Hung, you support terrorism! You are a terrorist! (Pause for applause) People think William Hung can sing. Yeah, so can my ass! But you don’t see my ass auditioning for “American Idol”! William Hung can sing, isn’t that like saying Dat Phan can be funny? I kid Dat Phan because I’m Dat funny! Maybe I have some sort of grudge against William Hung and Dat Phan and the entire Asian community. I don’t know, maybe! Don’t you find it sad that the Asian community has become famous for no reason? “Hello, I’m Dat Phan. I live under a desk. My entire routine involves me doing an impression of my mother…I’m the last comic standing? Cool. Dat Phan, you crazy! Stop it, mom.” So I saw Alex Rodriguez in a Yankees uniform this week. So, let’s recap, The Yankees infield, 2 gay, 2 to go! Little girls yell Alex Rodriguez’s name like he’s one of the Backstreet Boys. A-ROD! A-ROD! More like…a dick! And if you didn’t find that last joke funny, you should be shot in the face! Just call me…”JUST JOHN KRUK”! Jay Mohr: “JUST JOHN KRUK”. Laugh at his jokes or he’ll shoot you in the face! Okay, It’s time for our last comic. Jimmy Smith, Jr., but we just call him “B-Rabbit”. First, let’s hear a little about “B-Rabbit”. (Camera fades to a submission video of “B-Rabbit”) B-Rabbit: I’m Jimmy Smith, Jr. I live here at the 8 Mile Trailer Park. I live with my mother…in a trailer. Cameraman: Wouldn’t that make you trailer trash? B-Rabbit: What the fuck man! Don’t judge me man! (Camera pans to B-Rabbit performing open mike comedy at “the shelter”) So, my girlfriend told me today that she’s pregnant and I said to her, “What? Damn! Did you tell the “Detroit Pistons” to wear condoms when they were havin’ sex with you? Damn!” That’s it. I’m B-Rabbit. I want to be the last comic standing, out! (Camera fades back to the main stage) Jay Mohr: It’s time to lose yourself in the laughter. Here is “B-Rabbit”! (“B-Rabbit” walks out to the stage) “B-Rabbit”: Yo, I’m the “FUNNY WHITE GUY” and I’m a stand up comic. I was thinking that I should start going to a ‘sperm bank’…because let’s face it…this is a face of a masturbator! I figure…I do it on such a regular basis, I should get paid for it…it’s just like going to work! But I don’t think I can take the fact of walking around…in about 15 years, there’s going to be this 14, 15 year old punk white kid acting like he’s black walking down the street, yelling, “Where are all the white bitches?!” You know what I love about comedy? I love doing impressions. I love putting funny lines into celebrities’ mouths and doing the voice. Here’s an example. Arnold Schwarzeneggar…”Hello, I’m Arnold, the governor of Kallyfornia. I am putting the state of Kallyfornia under the state of emergency because…I just shit my pants!” Yo, when I’m not doing comedy, I work at a grocery store. By the last day of the sale, we are out of like all the sale items, but customers, old folks, mostly, would come into the store on the last day of the sale looking for the moon, the stars and the stripes. Everything, yo! It got so ridiculous one time, I remember an old woman asking me, “Excuse me, do you have the frozen head of Walt Disney, I saw in the flyer?” I said, “Hey old lady! Do we have the frozen Walt Disney? The Frozen head of Walt Disney? We had 5 of them on Sunday, where the fuck were you?” I’m B-Rabbit. Thank you. Jay Mohr: Okay, America it’s your time to vote! Who is the last comic standing? We will find out after this message. (Cameras fade out) (An NBC promo plays) Announcer: This week on “Next Action Star” see more hilarious auditions you never saw. (Camera pans to the conference room where auditions where held) Judge #1: (off camera) Next. (Steven Seagal enters the auditions) Please state your name. Steven Seagal: Steven Seagal. Judge #1: (off camera) How old are you exactly? Steven Seagal: I’m 53. Judge #1: (off camera) Don’t you think you are a little old for this? Steven Seagal: No. I’ve been doing action films for years. I’m forever young. Judge #1: (off camera) What was the last film you did? Steven Seagal: “Half Past Dead”. Judge #1: (off camera) Really? You look half past dead! Steven Seagal: Come on, man. What the hell! Judge #1: (off camera) So, you’re last film was “Half Past Dead”? Steven Seagal: That’s correct. Judge #1: (off camera) Was that an action film? I thought that was a comedy. Steven Seagal: Why would you think that? Judge #1: (off camera) Because your acting is a joke! Announcer: See Steven Seagal, this week on “Next Action Star”! (Camera fades back to “Last Comic Standing”) Jay Mohr: We are back. It’s time to name the last comic standing. We have “JUST JOHN KRUK” and “B-Rabbit”. And the winner is…with 53% of the votes…”B-Rabbit”! (A celebration on the stage automatically erupts) “B-Rabbit”: I’m the last comic standing! I’m the last comic standing! Jay Mohr: Well, that’s it for this season of “Last Comic Standing”. It’s been fun. At least it wasn’t Dat Phan, again. I have to go do another show for ESPN…but before that, I’m going to sit in my car and play with my penis. Good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
