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Supervisor.....Chris Parnell Jim.....Matt LeBlanc Bob.....Fred Armisen Nerd 3.....Will Forte INT. Computer Lab NERDS (LeBlanc, Armisen, Forte) are sitting around. SUPERVISOR (Parnell) walks in. Supervisor: Hey, nerds. Guess what…I just got off the phone with Bill Gates and, yeah, he’s still the biggest nerd out of all of you. All Nerds: What??? Supervisor: Yeah, he played an online version of Dungeons and Dragons for 42 hours straight over the weekend. All Nerds: Aww, man! Jim: I played for 36 and a half…dammit! Bob: Try 37… [A beat.] Nerd 3: Uh, I haven’t had sex this decade! I’m the king! Supervisor: Not so fast, pocket protector…Bill hasn’t had sex since 1967. Try again. All Nerds: (loudly) Aww!!! Supervisor: Anyway, eggheads…point is, Gates earned 4,999,991 gagillion dollars last week, and that just ain’t cuttin’ it. He usually pulls in 5 or 7 during his down times, you know. Basically, he needs you to create a virus that will be sent to everyone owning Microsoft products, and one that can only be purged by Microsoft technology. Jim: What?? Supervisor: Yeah, he thinks if more people come to the site to download updates to fix the virus, they’ll browse the products, throw some money around…etcetera, etcetera. Jim: (nodding his head) Yeah, I guess that’d work. Supervisor: You think that? Really? How ‘bout this…I don’t care what you think! As long as Bill’s the king nerd, I’m only listening to him. Nerd 3: I’m not the king anymore?? Jim: Shut up! Supervisor: (covering his ears childishly) Blah, blah, blah! I’m not listening to you! I’m not listening to you!!! Rustle, rustle, blah! [A beat as he exits.] Jim: So, a virus, eh? Bob: Yeah. Jim: Should be easy enough, Bob…right? Bob: Yeah, I guess. What do you think, Nerd 3? Nerd 3: 1967??? He’s a frickin’ god, a man among beasts! Jim: Will you shut up and focus?? We gotta do this now, or god will squash us like bugs! Bob: Jeez, Jim, don’t get your Fruit o’ the Looms in a bunch. (slides up to computer, starts hitting keys seemingly at random) Let’s see…your basic worm…(types more) some backdoors…(swirls in chair, slams down on enter) domino! Jim: It’s done? Bob: Done! All we gotta do is send it. Jim: Good then…let’s go! Nerd 3: Uh, wait…what are we gonna name it? Jim: Name? What name? What are you talking about, you dolt? Nerd 3: We gotta name it, right? Bob: Yeah, he’s right, Jim. We need to name it something. How ‘bout…(looks around room) here, let’s name it…(picks up donut) Rocky! Jim: Rocky? That’s stupid! Nerd 3: How ‘bout Megatron? Jim: Megatron? Why don’t we just name it after your mother! Nerd 3: Shut up, man! Bob: How ‘bout…Superworm! Yeah! Jim: Superworm??? We aren’t naming comic books here, Bob! Bob: Yeah, but it’s still cool! Jim: Yeah, I hope you get multiple sclerosis and die. How’s that for cool? Bob: Hey, take it easy…(looks over) Nerd 3, what the hell are you doing?? Nerd 3: (at a computer) I’m Googling baby names. I figure we’ll give it a robust German name. How’s Hans, or…Google sound? Jim: What are you, gay? Nerd 3: (snapping) I am not gay!!! Just because I’m a geek doesn’t mean I’m gay! Trust me, my proctologist, my chiropractor, and my meter reader all found that out hard!! It wasn’t pretty! [The nerds are in shock at his outburst. The supervisor walks in.] Supervisor: You freak-sticks anywhere with the virus? Jim: Yeah, uh, it’s ready to be sent. Supervisor: Well, then...what’s the damn holdup? Jim: Uh, well, see…it’s gotta be firewall-proofed, and uh… Bob: (rescuing him) Yeah, but, see, the technology, program, module, firewall… Supervisor: You can’t think of a name, can you, you insignificant wastes of spinal fluid! All Nerds: No…(bowing their heads sheepishly) Supervisor: Well, don’t worry. Bill Gates called and he’s already got one. It is to be called the Robo-Cool-Ass virus. He deems it so. [Nerds have blank stares.] Supervisor: Yeah, I know…you don’t have to tell me. It’s cool, it’s hip, it’s kitschy…classic Gates. Bob: Yeah, uh… Jim: Wait a second, mister! How did he know we had the virus finished??? Bob and Nerd 3: Yeah! Supervisor: (pauses, serious) Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m Bill Gates! All Nerds: Uh, oh…oh, god! (all start bowing on the floor) Jim: Oh, Mr. Gates…I mean Jesus…thank you for gracing us w/ your presence! Nerd 3: Yes, uh, Jesus, uh…why can’t I be Jesus, too? I’d make a good Jesus! Supervisor: What? That doesn’t even make sense! And will you get up, you idiots! I’m not Bill Gates! He just knows everything, that’s how he knew! (to himself) Dammit, what a gullible bunch of retards! [Supervisor exits snickering. Nerds set w/ blank stares for a couple seconds. Supervisor reenters.] Supervisor: Dammit, he didn’t know, alright! He just wanted to name it before it went out! Quit drooling and get back to work, bitches! All Nerds: (snapping out of their wondered trances) Yes, sir! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
