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Jonas.....Matt Leblanc Sophie.....Amy Poehler Tracy.....Rachel Dratch (A woodland scene. Jonas and Sophie, a teenage couple, tramp onstage as if they have been hiking all day. They have giant backpacks with sleeping bags attached to the top, and are decked out in other backpacker gear.) Jonas: I think this would be a good place to camp. That all right with you? (He looks her in the eye affectionately.) Sophie: Yeah, this is fine. Boy, am I tired. (She sets her pack down.) Jonas: Save your energy. (He puts his down.) Sophie: (She smiles coyly.) What, do I need to pitch the tent for you? Jonas: Oh no, that’s taken care of. Sophie: Seriously, though. Aren’t we going to put up the tent? Jonas: What’s the rush? Let’s experience nature. Sophie: Are you kidding? I don’t know… Jonas: Aw, come on, it’ll be exciting. It’s not like there’s anyone here to see us. Sophie: What about the animals? I don’t want chipmunks crawling over me while I’m trying to fake an orgasm. Jonas: What? Sophie: Uh, I said I don’t want chipmunks crawling over me, and that’s not sarcasm. Jonas: Oh, please. Do something daring for once. Sophie: For once?! What about that time on the escalator… Jonas: Okay, okay. Let’s just try it, and see what you think. Okay? Sophie: How about you try while I just lie there…(He pushes her playfully and then starts kissing her neck…Suddenly, Jonas’ backpack, which is sitting to their left, falls over, hitting Jonas.) Jonas: Ow! Sophie: What the…oh, it’s just your backpack. You know, we could just get things settled first… Jonas: Or we could settle this thing first. (They go at it again. This time, the backpack begins to wiggle, and muffled cries are heard from within it. As Jonas and Sophie realize something’s up and turn around, a crazed and disheveled-looking girl crawls out of the backpack, shrieking. Shocked, they seem to recognize the girl.) Tracy: No! Jonas, you can’t…um…you don’t want to do this! Jonas: Tracy? I- Sophie: (Cuts him off) What the HELL are you doing here? Jonas: I thought that pack seemed exceptionally heavy…figured it was all the six-packs, though… Tracy: I stowed away in Jonas’ backpack last night…I knew you guys were going “backpacking,” and I just couldn’t bear it anymore. For a YEAR I’ve been squishing my feelings back down into the…place where feelings come from…I can’t keep doing this! It’s just not healthy! Jonas, I am madly in love with you! (Very awkward silence as we see Jonas and Sophie’s shocked faces.) Jonas: That was straightforward. Sophie: Tracy, that’s very sweet. You’re a girl that cares…very deeply. I know you care a lot about Jonas, and I appreciate that. You’ll always have a place in his heart. Now that we’ve established that, could you please jump off a cliff? (We see a group of (puppet) chipmunks jumping around and squealing in a tone that seems to say, “Ouch! That’s gotta burn.”) Jonas: Jeez, Sophie! Tracy: Sophie, I can’t help- Sophie: Oops! Did I say that out loud? I’m sorry, Tracy. Would you prefer to be mauled by bears? (Chipmunks react.) Jonas: Where did the jealous bitch come from? Sophie: She told you, she was in your backpack. Jonas: That wasn’t what I meant… Sophie: (Not paying attention) Hey, I have a better idea! Tracy, since you seem to love that backpack so much, how about we tie you inside it, and you can listen to me and Jonas having fantastic sex while you SUFFOCATE TO DEATH!! (She’s really lost it now. It’s killing the chipmunks.) Jonas: You know, Sophie, that’s a great idea. Allow me to make one alteration, however…(quick fade/visual transition of some sort to show the passage of time. When the scene returns, Jonas and Tracy are standing over Sophie, who is stuffed in the backpack.) Tracy: She won’t really suffocate, will she? Jonas: I doubt it. But she might smell like beer when she gets out. Anyway…(he pulls her closer by the waist) now for the part where we have killer sex. (He’s leaning toward her when…) Tracy: Oh, Jonas…(as if it were the most obvious thing in the world) I can’t do that. Jonas: Huh? Tracy: Jonas, I’m an aspiring nun, so I’m keeping chastity for now. Jonas: …Really? Tracy: Uh huh. (sickeningly cheerful) But we can cuddle by the fire instead. (She clings to him, grinning.) Jonas: (He stares at her, incredulous. After a pause, he turns and starts to walk back to the campsite, with Tracy still clinging to his arm.) Something tells me it’s going to be a long night…(The chipmunks seem to chuckle again. Fadeout.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
