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Willie Nelson.....Will Forte Derrick.....Matt LeBlanc [Scene: Some guy’s house. Dark. Phone rings. Lights come on after a couple of rings. Derrick enters, wearing his Voltron pajamas.] Derrick: Hello? [Split screen with Willie Nelson. He appears to be in a bar but not in a typical western bar. There are disco lights and it looks very hip and trendy. We see some crazy male dancers move through the background at times. He’s sitting at the bar talking on his cell phone.] Willie Nelson: Hello? Is Linda there? Derrick: Linda? No, you have the wrong number. Willie Nelson: Linda Rondstadt. I’m looking for a Linda Rondstadt. Derrick: Linda Rondstadt? You mean the singer. Willie Nelson: Yep, that’s the one. She there? Derrick: No, why would she be here…who is this? Willie Nelson: This is Willie Nelson. Big Willie! WOO! Derrick: Right. Ha ha. Look, I don’t know what this is but I do know it’s 2am, so goodbye. [Derrick Hangs up. Split screen ends. Derrick shuts off the lights. Derrick exits. Phone rings. Derrick enters, turns on lights. Derrick answers the phone.] Derrick: Hello? [Split screen] Willie Nelson: Hello. Is Julio there? Derrick: Julio? Julio who? Willie Nelson: Julio Iglesias, the little Spanish dude who gets all the senoritas. (singing like Julio) To all the girls I’ve loved before…(talking with badly faked accent) get checked for herpes. One of you must have give it to me…and I must have given it to a bunch more of ya. (normal voice) Ha ha ha. You know, that herpes never goes away… Derrick: Goodbye. [Derrick Hangs up. Split screen ends. Derrick shuts off the lights. Derrick exits. Phone rings. Derrick enters, turns on lights. Derrick answers the phone.] Derrick: (angry) Hello! [Split screen.] Willie Nelson: Hey. I didn’t get your name. Derrick: Look, if you call here one more time I’m going to call the police. Willie Nelson: Hey, settle down there boy. Relax. I just wanted to know if you wanted to do a duet with me. I can’t seem to get a hold of my pals Linda and Julio. Probably off doing solo stuff. No time for poor Willie. Derrick: You expect me to believe you’re Willie Nelson? Willie Nelson: I’ll prove it to ya. Go on, ask me a question and see if I can answer it… Derrick: Where are you right now? Willie Nelson: I’m in a bar…on the outskirts of…(filtered to sound like he’s cupped his hand of the phone receiver) what city is this? (back to normal ‘through phone’ sound) I’m in a bar on the outskirts of Chattanooga, drinking tequila and some wine spritzer chasers. Sure, them wine spritzers are a might bit gay but hey, when in Chattanooga. Yep, this red headed stranger is back on the sauce! Derrick: Red headed stranger…omigosh, this really is Willie Nelson! Willie Nelson: Darn tooting it is. If I’m not Willie Nelson then the tax man owes ME 16 million dollars, you know what I’m saying. Derrick: Not really, no. Willie Nelson: No matter, what’s your name son? [We see Willie Nelson leave the split screen shot. His side of the screen stays focused on where he was sitting.] Derrick: Derrick, Derrick McGee. Willie Nelson: Hold on one second. Gotta let the horses drink. (Grunt with unzipping sound and such) Ahhh. Derrick, how would you like to work with me on my next album? Derrick: Well…I don’t know…I mean I don’t have any professional experience really. Willie Nelson: Neither do I boy. (zip up sound) You just gotta go out there and…HEY, the worm is mine you fat, flannel wearing redneck. Derrick: Excuse me? Willie Nelson: Wasn’t talking to you son. I was talking to this worm grabber here. (sarcastically) Leave your Tequila bottle unattended on a bathroom sink for one second and it becomes public property in Chattanooga. Derrick: Oh okay. Well, like I was saying… Willie Nelson: All right wormy, down you go. Oh man, she’s huge. Must've soaked up a lot of the good stuff. Ugg, she ain’t going down…mmm, it’s rubbery as hell too…(spit up noise)…what the heck? All right who put the condom in the tequila bottle? What do you mean it didn’t come from the tequila bottle? You were trying to put it in the receptacle? What the hell does receptacle mean? And why is there a woman in here?! Derrick: Uh Mr. Nelson is everything all right? [Willie Nelson returns to his bar stool on his side of the screen.] Willie Nelson: In many ways no, Derrick. But in one very important way, things couldn’t be better. I’ve found me someone to sing a duet with on my next album and that’s all that matters. So it’s a deal then? Derrick: It’s a deal sir. So...what happens next? Willie Nelson: Well, first of all I’m off to the hospital for some tests. If everything works out all right I’ll see you in Nashville in about 2 weeks. Later partner! Derrick: Thank you Mr. Nelson. Yee-haw! Goodbye sir! [Derrick hangs up the phone and leaves the room in an excited state. Cut to a studio and open on a shot of Willie Nelson sitting down on a stool in front of a microphone. Widen shot to reveal a group of 7 nervous/geeky/excited/awkward looking guys (cast members), including Derrick, crowded around a second microphone stand.] Willie Nelson: Well, I can’t says I remember any of ya but according to my agent I made legally binding verbal contracts with y'all to sing on my new album so…let’s say we make some music. (with the enthusiasm of ‘Are you ready to rock and roll?’. Not meant to be original, it just fits nice.) Are you ready to country and western! Crowd: (out of sync) Yeah, yee haw. [Music begins to play.] Willie Nelson: (in country and western tune and style, so it takes like half an hour for him to sing each word.) Just try, try to understand.. I’ve given all I can. Cause you’ve got the best of me…. Crowd: (in same slow country way but without cohesion.) Borderline. Borderline. (hoping for song recognition during following bit) Feels like I’m going to lose my mind. You just keep on pushing my, (looking at one another and making an improv change switching suddenly to "our") our love over the borderline. [Dancers from the club, that appeared earlier, come into scene behind the group but dancing as though they're listening to the rockin' original. Cut to a copy of Rolling Stone with Willie Nelson and the rest on the cover as music continues to play. Book opens to reveal an article with a heading that reads ‘Willie Nelson Back at Number 1 with newest CD ‘Midnight Phone Calls from A Drunken Willie Nelson.’. A bunch more pages flip. Headline reads ‘Singles: Number 1: ‘Willie Nelson - Chattanooga, I kind of remember you.’] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
