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John...Matt LeBlanc Amy...Maya Rudolph Cpt. Rainbow-Beard...Seth Meyers First Mate Roy...Horatio Sanz EXT. OPEN OCEAN - MID DAY A boat, the size of a small yacht sways with the currents in the ocean. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT'S DECK - MID DAY JOHN and AMY are standing on the deck staring out into the vast, open sea. John has his arm around Amy as they look. John is a self-made businessman who was able to realize his dream, owning a boat and using it to cruise the ocean for peace and tranquility. He is an admitted homophobe. Unfortunately, he has gone on a vacation with his wife to San Francisco via the boat and is not looking forward to the city. Amy is a woman able to stay at home due to the wealth acquired by her husband's business. She also has a found love for the sea, but a greater love for grand cities. The vacation was her idea, and she is open to people's "life choices." Amy: Look, honey, we're almost there! Look! You can see the skyline. John has a disgusted look on his face, it is very clear that he does not want to reach the city. John: That's nice, but why don't we just stay out here, in the open water, and not go into the city. I'd think it would be better out here. Amy looks at John, showing her disapproval towards her husband's homophobia. John: What? I'm just saying they're not out here! Nothing can happen to us out here. Amy turns away for a moment, looking to her right, when CPT. RAINBOW-BEARD swings from a rope onto the deck. Amy turns around, alarmed by the noise of Rainbow's landing and screams in fear. Rainbow is gay man, in his mid twenties. He is very buff, ironically with no beard at all, but a handlebar mustache (which is dyed rainbow colors), and short, blonde spiky hair. He is wearing a translucent tank top, with and opaque portion over the abs with the familiar skull and crossbones, but instead of white, they are rainbow colored. John turns quickly and stares at Rainbow quickly realizing that they have fallen victim to pirates. John: What do you want? Take a step closer and I'll hurt you. I will! John shakes his fist menacingly at Rainbow. Rainbow: Arh matey, that wouldn't be very wise now would it? I am Captain Rainbow-Beard of the pirate vessel, Fabulous. You all are now going to be our prisoners, okay? John looks puzzled at Rainbow and after a moment of thought about his foe, anger overtakes his face. John: Oh, you're one of them. Well, you're not going to get me, I don't swing that way. Rainbow laughs sarcastically at John's response. Rainbow: Honey, please. I wouldn't be caught dead with you. You're all old and plain and look at your clothes! Rainbow points with a limp wrist to John's shirt. Rainbow: Where'd you find that anyway, the yesterday's sale rack? Look at it, it isn't even designer. John's anger builds and he becomes red in the face, insulted by Rainbow. Amy puts her hand on John's shoulder, trying to calm him down before he loses his temper with Rainbow. John: Well, you come to MY boat and insult MY life. I'm gonna...I'm gonna... Amy, noticing John's rage about to burst, interrupts John to try to make peace of the whole situation. Amy: John! Stop! What did he ever do to you? Sure, he insulted your clothes, but he's right. They are a little out-dated. I've been telling you that for years. Rainbow nods to Amy's claim, agreeing fully. Rainbow: You go, girlfriend! Rainbow extends his arm, still limp wristed, and positions it to receive a high-five from Amy. Amy hesitates for a second then executes the high-five. John looks on in horror. Rainbow: Okay, you two, fashion police time is over. We're still pirates, you know, and we didn't come here to fix your man. We came here to loot and pillage! Rainbow extends a sword from its sheath and points it at Amy and John. Rainbow: March you two! John and Amy begin walking slowly in the direction Rainbow pointed with his sword. They are afraid of what might happen to them. John, clearly thinking by the expression on his face, suddenly changes that expression conveying that he has hatched a brilliant plan to save him and his wife from Rainbow. John quickly turns around, fakes out Rainbow by motioning to Rainbow's left, but then going on Rainbow's right and grabs the sword as he passes. John: Okay, "Rainbow" what'ch ya gonna do now? Huh? I got your sword here. John smiles confidently as he looks at Rainbow, who is now afraid that plan may not go as smoothly has he had hoped. Rainbow then smiles seeing something behind John. FIRST MATE ROY grabs the sword from John's hand and points the blade back at him. Roy is a big man, much taller than John, he is very strong, bald, and at a glance, you wouldn't be able to tell that he was gay. He is very masculine. Rainbow: Ha! Meet First Mate Roy. I trust that you won't try something like that again? Roy wouldn't like that. Amy looks on worried for her husband. Amy: This guy works for you? Rainbow turns around and looks at Amy with a "that is obvious" expression on his face. Rainbow: No! I just called him a first mate for the hell of it. I swear people are just so ADD sometimes. You know what I mean, Roy? Roy: Yeah, it's crazy, but I guess she could of thought that first mate means something else. Rainbow: Well, that's true, I guess. I mean, that's true. First mate does stand for something else between you and me. Heh heh. John looks on, in fear of his life for a moment and then realizes what Roy and Rainbow were talking about then changes his expression to extremely disgusted. John: Oh my God! Oh God! Why did you say that? Why? Oh! No! No, no no no no! Rainbow walks up very close to John, getting right up into his face. Rainbow: Because it is my right as an American to do so. Rainbow turns around, walks a few steps away, and then turns around again, having a question come upon his mind. Rainbow: Wait a minute, why aren't you all afraid of us anymore? After a brief silence, Amy turns towards Rainbow Amy: Well, it's just that gay pirates don't seem that frightening. At all. Ever. Rainbows looks sad, feeling that his plan is falling apart due to that fact that the couple no longer fears the pirates due to their flaming homosexuality. Rainbow: But there are lots of crime things that are gay. There's the gay mafia, and...um... John, feeling that through his wife, they are about to win, smiles a coy smile. John: Name another one. Rainbow has a panicky look over his face and begins to sweat, as it becomes more and more apparent to him that John is right and no one takes gay crime seriously. Rainbow: Fine, you win. We'll give up the life of pirates and think up some honest work. We'll find a place where what we do can be taken seriously, without the fact that we're gay bring smirks to peoples' faces. If only I knew where to go. Amy walks over to Rainbow and puts her hand on his shoulder. Amy: You know, I may just be able to help you with one. CUT TO: EXT. Billboard with a poster covering the screen - MID DAY A poster is on screen showing Rainbow and Roy as dressed as pirates. On the poster, above their heads reads "Pirates: The Musical" and below them it reads "Shows Saturday thru Monday" FADE TO BLACK: THE END Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
