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George W. Bush.....Will Forte Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Colin Powell.....Kenan Thompson Narrator.....Don Pardo (Scene begins with Presidential Seal) Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen we interrupt Saturday Night Live for an important message from the President of the United States. (Scene fades to the President sitting behind his White House desk.) Bush: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for interrupting your regularly scheduled programming but there is an urgent manner which I must address to America. I am of course talking about the recently released Fahrenheit 9/11. Now to begin with I would like to say one thing… (Bush reaches under his desk and pulls out a thermometer.) Bush: I checked the White House thermometer and even during the hottest months of my presidency I rarely see it go pass 91 degrees although that might just mean that the makers of Fahrenheit 9/11 made a typo. (Bush gets a meditative look on his face.) Bush: But on to the real issue at hand. Their have been a lot of people who have said that certain government officials have tried to keep this film away from the general public. Well in this country there is such a thing as freedom of speech. I believe in it and I can take the bad stuff thrown at me. That’s why tonight I am the guest of honor at the first annual Presidential Roast! Now Ladies and Gentlemen your host Vice President Dick Cheney. (The camera pulls out to show Bush’s picture on a circle with “Man of the Hour.” Dick Cheney walks out with a microphone.) Cheney: Ladies and Gentlemen tonight’s my fellow roaster will be General Colin Powell Now lets bring up our first roaster General Powell. (General Powell comes up and takes the mic from Cheney.) Powell: I remember when President Bush brought me on to his staff and I just thought this guy doesn’t know crap. He has destroyed the environment. He has made this country go billions of dollars into debt. Bush: You got me their Powell ha! Powell: He can’t even speak properly- Bush: It is true I did give up on the alphabet song when I hit the LMNO part. Powell: His health care program is a complete disgrace to humanity. Hey what can we expect from a Texan? Bush: Hey don’t mess with Texas! Powell: He has also sent this country into a war that they had absolutely no reason to get into? Why did you do it you moron? Bush: I remember one evening I was playing Battleship and thought, what if I could play an international version, now I think I’ll stay with the home game. Powell: But despite all of that I know that these last 4 years wouldn’t have been any fun if it wasn’t for old Georgie boy. I love you man (Colin hugs George than walks off camera and hands the mike over to Cheney.) Cheney: Well it has been one heck of a time with this potatohead. When I first came into the White House I figured that running Bush would be as easy as controlling some sort of retarded Pinocchio. I knew you were dumb George but when you hoped that fish and man could coexist peacefully I knew I was dealing with a very “special” president. Bush: I am special. Cheney: Hell George you’re so stupid the first time we met you asked me “Why do they call it the White House.” George your daughters blood alcohol is higher than their IQ Bush: I taught them well. Cheney: George you ran faster from Vietnam then a cockroach does going under the fridge when the lights come on. But despite all of that I consider you to be a good man and I am proud to call you Boss. (Bush gets up and gives Cheney a great big bear hug. He then sits down and the camera focuses back on him.) Bush: Well as you can see ladies, gentlemen, and Mr. Michael Moore I can take a good joke just like anyone else. I would also like to tell the American public there is another movie out this weekend called White Chicks. I saw it last night and it was totally awesome. Its like they made my favorite show, The Simple Life, a movie. There is also one other important message I must tell you the American people, LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
