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Brad Ryme.....Matt LeBlanc
[ fade in ] [ int. Furniture Store – Day ] [ Brad Ryme, owner of Ryme or Reason Furniture, is seated upon a recliner in a sea of furnishings ] Brad Ryme: [ sales pitch voice throughout ] Hi folks, I’m Brad Ryme, and I’m here to tell you that there’s just no better time than now to come down to Ryme or Reason Furniture for our annual Fourth of July Blowout Sale. [ various pans over merchandise ] Brad Ryme V/O: I really have the competition trembling this time. There’s just no way they can match my super low prices on brand name furniture without the label! For just $199, you got not two, not three, but seven end tables! Let’s see the competition try to beat that! And there’s no way they could match my deals on this special bedroom designed especially for fraternal quadruplets, just $549! [ Brad Ryme is seen seated at a desk, holding a letter ] Brad Ryme: Let’s face it; the other guys can’t stand my low prices. My prices are so low, they send me piles and piles of hate mail. Here’s one. It reads: “Dear Mr. Ryme, Your quality Mahogany Work Desks are going to drive me out of business. There’s no way I can match your price of $145. I’m going to be broke and destitute within a year. You are a cruel and merciless soul sucker, Mr. Ryme. Remember this, there is karma, and you will surely get yours after you’ve forced me into a life of selling my body for licorice sticks and moldy bread. Be sure, the devil has set aside a circle of hell specifically for your eternal torment. Love, Mr. Dylan Towers, of Towers’ Desk Emporium.” [ Brad Ryme, holding a different letter, now stands in front of a bureau ] Brad Ryme: My low prices on this classic bureau have another one of my competitors in a fuss. [ reads ] “Dear Mr. Ryme, I own Dockside Furnishings, and I have come to the conclusion that you are the anti-Christ. Your bureau prices are so low, there is no option left for me but to order your death. You better watch your ass, you bastard, cause my men are coming for you. They’ll shoot you so full of lead, that the doctors won’t be able to perform an X-ray at your autopsy. They’ll cut you into six different parts so that you can be easily stored in one of those fine bureaus you sell. I hope you have appreciated the time you’ve spent with your testicles, because they won’t be around much longer.” And it goes on and on like that for another five pages. Folks, furniture sales just don’t get better than this! [ Brad Ryme now lies upon a bed, holding another letter ] Brad Ryme: “Dear Mr. Ryme, you’ve been terrible recently. That’s why I’ve come to punish you. First, I’m going to slam your face into the headboard of one of your deluxe King-size bedroom sets. I’m going to chain your feet together and hang you upside down while I pull out my whip. I’ll slice open your pants and then proceed to…” Wait a second, how’d this get in here? This isn’t hate mail; it’s just a letter from my wife. Sorry about that folks. This sale is so amazing that even I’m losing my bearings a little bit. [ Brad Ryme now rests in a recliner ] Brad Ryme: Listen to this furious competitor. “Dear Mr. Ryme, you suck. Sincerely, Pier 1 Imports.” [ Brad Ryme stands by a truck ] Brad Ryme: Customers love my free next day delivery, but it drives those other guys crazy. [ reads ] “Dear Mr. Ryme, I am writing to you because you are directly responsible for the loss of my son, James Watson, of Homes and Watson. Last year you began your free next day delivery program and he just couldn’t handle life anymore. After an attempted overdose on Pepto-Bismol, he snapped completely. He is currently being held by court order in Francesco Asylum. He’s had four lobotomies and receives electro-shock therapy hourly. I hope you can sleep well at night knowing what you’ve done to my fine, innocent son.” Isn’t that touching? The time is now, folks, so make a move on down to Ryme or Reason Furniture for the sale that has the competition up in arms, literally! [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
