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Cop 1.....Chris Parnell Cop 2.....Will Forte Cop 3.....Rachel Dratch Cop 4.....Kenan Thompson Man 1, Lady 2.....Extras Lady 1.....Maya Rudolph Man 2.....Seth Meyers Man 3.....Matt LeBlanc (Cop 1 (Parnell) stands casually on downtown sidewalk humming. Lady 1 (Rudolph) walks by.) Cop 1: Ma'am, stop right there. Lady 1: (glances towards him exasperated) Great, this is exactly what I need. Look whatever I did just write it fast. Cop 1: (taking his sweet time reaching for his ticket pad and pen) I saw you cross the street, and couldn't help but wonder if your vision is okay? Because while it is clearly clear enough to cross the street it was not precise enough for you to notice and fully take advantage of the portion of said street designated for crossing. Am I correct in my assumption? (Begins to fill out the ticket) Lady 1: Officer, my baby is in the hospital, she was just rushed in from day care and I didn't want to wait for the cross walk, my vision's fine. Cop 1: So, you intentionally disobeyed the law. Let me get this clear, in case I'm misinformed, although you were perfectly aware of the designated crossing area and capable of using such a designated area you chose not to because your situation is above every other street crosser's situation? (Pauses to finish filling out the ticket) Ma'am I'm afraid that's not good enough. (Offering her the ticket) I need you to sign at the bottom. The laws are in place to protect you, not inconvenience you. (Lady 1 hastily signs and run off) Cop 1: I like birds too! And I hope your baby's alright. (Sighs contentedly) It's a good day to be me, protecting the streets of downtown. (Cop 2 (Forte) enters, tips hat to Cop 1 and begins to whistle in a slightly higher tone than Cop 1's humming.) Cop 1: Hello, there. Cop 2: Howdy. Cop 1: There are two of us. Cop 2: It would seem. Cop 1: Watching the same street. Cop 2: Yes. Cop 1: Don't you think that's a little odd or overzealous? Cop 2: Nope. As the adage goes, two heads are better than one. Likewise, who would dare violate the laws of our fine city in front of two strapping, mid-thirties, although not balding officers? Cop 1: You've got a point. (Both cops casually stand on the street about 4 feet away from each other Cop 1 humming and Cop 2 whistling slightly higher in pitch. Man 1 walks by noisily chewing gum, he opens his mouth to spit it onto the sidewalk. Cop 1 clears his throat; Cop 2 clears his throat an octave higher. They tip their hats in unison and point above them to a white sign depicting a person spitting gum onto the sidewalk with a red strike out over it. Man 1 nods to both officers and leaves.) Cop 1: That was amazing. Cop 2: With two people here, we're twice as effective! There will never be another crime on the corner of 3rd and Conwell! (Cop 3 (Dratch) enters.) Cop 1: And who are you? Cop 3: The voice of discipline on this party street, word is you run a loose canon and I'm here to (makes karate motion) cut off the fuse. Cop 2: Madame, your analogy is insulting and incorrect. Cop 3: (relaxing herself and humbling herself) I'm sorry, I'm just so frustrated. I was living the high life on 1st avenue. A meter-maid without a soul, I could smell the fear as I drove along in my glorified golf cart. All my life I'd be told: "Stick it to the man!" and I did, ticket after ticket after ticket. Then the man turned around and (humping motion) stuck it to me - in the form of Lieutenant Michaels. Cop 1: Isn't he married. Cop 3: Thus the demotion to street patrol duty. Cop 2: So there are three of us on this street alone. Cop 1: It seems ludicrous. Cop 3: It seems boring. Cop 2: Hey, I don't want to hear that negativity on my street during my watch. Cop 1: This is an action packed street, but with the three of us - watch out! Cop 2: Besides, the more the merrier. Cop 3: But who would dare commit a ticket-able offense in front of three uniformed, imposing, power houses of justice, gracefully advancing into their late twenties (looks around nervously) or early - very early thirties? (Man 2 (Meyers) walks by about to light a cigarette. Cop 1 clears throat, Cop 2 clears throat an octave higher. In unison they tip their hats and point above them to a white sign depicting a person smoking with a red strike out over it. Man 2 nods towards them and takes the cigarette out of his mouth. As he takes one step past Cop 2, right in front of Cop 3, he puts the cigarette back into his mouth and lights it. Cop 3 jumps out at him blowing her whistle.) Cop 3: What are you doing? Man 2: (screams) I didn't see you there! Cop 3: Of course not, justice likes to creep up on you trouble makers. You're walking along disrespecting everything you can and then - BAM! Not on my watch. (Flips out ticket book) You better watch your back mister, don't mess with me! Man 2: That seems like a lot of pomp for a (checks his ticket) thirty dollar citation. (Rolls his eyes and leave) Cop 1: Did you see that? Cop 2: He tried to disrupt the peace. Cop 3: And I stuck it to him. Cop 1: Do you know what this means? Cop 2: We are the people friendly side of enforcement. Cop 3: And I'm a cold hearted bitch! I love it. Cop 1: And there will never be crime again! (Man 3 (LeBlanc) walks by, a Tivo marked "Stolen: For Sale" under his arms. Cop 1 clears his throat and Cop 2 clears his throat an octave higher.) Cop 1: I hope you weren't planning on selling that. Man 3: This? No, of course not, I wouldn't do that. I see the sign. (Points to a white sign of a Tivo marked "Stolen: For Sale" with a red strike out over it.) Cop 2: We don't want any trouble. (Cop 3 jumps out at Man 3 blowing her whistle) Cop 3: Where you going? Man 3: To 1st. Cop 3: And what are you doing with that? Man 3: I'm bringing it for a friend. Cop 3: (Eying him carefully) I'm watching you. And if I find out that your so-called friend is actually a so-called sucker with 50 bucks. So help me (whips out ticket book) I used to be a meter maid, I have no soul. (Man 3 turns away from Cop 3, moves a few feet to the side of her and Lady 2 enters) Man 3: Hey, you want a Tivo? I can get you a great deal. (Cop 4 (Thompson) enters) Cop 4: What are you doing? Can't you see the sign? Clear as day? Are you blind? Are you visually impaired to the extent at which you cannot see the simple laws which pertain to this street? (Grabs ticket book) I've not time for this; I've got my own street to worry about: 6th and Daphne. The city should look into additional enforcement on this corner. (Hands Man 3 the ticket, tips his hat to Cop 1, Cop 2, and Cop 3 and exits.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
