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Hillary, Jen, Mark Jennings Reese & Ryan Stockton.
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.....Tina Fey Chris Wood.....Horatio Sanz Paul Conner.....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! Rumors are circulating that Israeli military operatives are training Kurdish commandos in Iraq to counter attacks by Shiite militias. When asked to comment, a leading member of the IDF stated, "Well, in all honesty, we're doing this out of pity. I mean, Saddam hated these guys more than he hated us, that's gotta be really bad for their self-esteem." While this event has not been officially confirmed, military analysts are concerned that an Israeli presence in Iraq will result in a vast increase in attacks by Iraqi militants, as well as a vast increase in attacks by Saudi militants, Jordanian militants, Iranian militants... you get the idea. They really hate the Jews over there. Dick Cheney dropped the F-bomb on the senate floor when arguing with Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy this week, but considering how many bombs he's in control of, it was just a matter of time. Following the incident, C-SPAN apparentally received its first fine from the FCC. C-SPAN's US Senate Coverage was also publicly denounced and dropped by Clear Channel, who only broadcast it in two markets anyway. Things quickly spiraled out of control when his right man-breast popped out. Sen. Leahy commented, "I think he was just having a bad day, and I was kind of shocked to hear that kind of language on the senate floor, what with all the young, impressionable children around." David Vardy, a 19-year old British college student, has made a name for himself by auctioning his virginity on eBay, claiming that it's the most creative way he could think of to have his first sexual encounter. We at Weekend Update congratulate Mr. Vardy for his inventive thinking, and hope he has a great time with the winning bidder, George Michael. Mattel is gearing up to launch a Barbie line of clothes, accessories and perfumes for women. I'd be careful wearing these, though. Just yesterday I was lying in my room and my little brother snuck in and undressed me. In international news, the Paris city council passed a resolution that may lead to a ban on SUVs within the city. This is expected to help decrease pollution and traffic, as well as give the French another reason to make fun of Los Angeles. Kazakhstan has recently shown interest in developing a space program, with their first cosmonaut tentatively scheduled to go up in 2006. This program is very important for Kazakhstan, as it will finally allow them to figure out where they are on a map. Due to her knee injury, Britney Spears has decided to cancel her entire summer tour for four months of rehabilitation. Britney, I am shocked at you. Look at you, you're currently the queen of pop music, and you're gonna throw it away just because of an injury. (patriotic music starts) Other music icons had it worse than you. Beethoven became a legend without his hearing. Stevie Wonder and the late Ray Charles didn't need sight to be well-known on the ivories. The drummer from Def Leppard has one freakin' arm! The sad thing is that yours is temporary. You can still get on that stage, mouth to the recording, and tease your heart out. Think of your fans, think of the publicity, but think of your fans more! (end music) T-Boz, from the R&B group TLC, filed a divorce from her husband, rapper Mack 10, saying he commited adultery and threatened to kill her. Just like the honeymoon, huh T-Boz? T-Boz told reporters she was threatened several times, starting from October of 2002. Should Mack 10 have kept these threats, we would've had a one person group simply called "C". 215 restaurants in China were shut down last week when it was found that their soups and stews were mixed with opium poppies. The good news: It was addictive enough to keep people away from McDonald's fatty foods. A Father's Day survey revealed that items containing the phrase "World's Greatest Dad" were on top of the undesirable gift list. In short, your dad hates you. Earlier this week HMO’s won a lawsuit against patients who sued them since they were denied doctor recommended care on their medical plans. Don’t worry, folks, that high quality HMO care won't go away due to legal costs. You’ll still be able to get treated if you have your arm cut off with a chainsaw on a Tuesday between the hours of 4 and 5 a.m. and are of a Native American heritage. (Chris Wood suddenly appears at the desk) Chris Wood: Hi Tina. Tina Fey: What? Oh, Chris, hi. What are you doing here? Chris Wood: I can't stay; I've got a lot of stuff to do, so I'm just dropping in. Tina Fey: Everybody this is Chris Wood.....he followed me here from the subway. Chris Wood: I just wanted to know what you thought of my piece for the show. Because I thought it was great, and if you thought it was good, then we should definitely get it in the show tonight. Tina Fey: To be honest, I didn't read it. Chris Wood: But when you do you'll let me know right? Because it's really good, I guarantee it. It's exactly the kind of cutting edge social commentary and brutally honest mockery that our society needs. Here, let me give you a sample of the sweet stuff. (Smoothes back hair, clears throat) Thanks Tina, Jimmy... Tina Fey: Uh, Jimmy's gone. Chris Wood: Don't break my flow, I've practiced this and have to do it just right. (Smoothes back hair, clears throat) Thanks Tina, Jimmy, it's great to be here. My name is Chris Wood and I am the performer of the century. Now, I know this one's just started, but you will be hard pressed to find anyone who can do what I do. I'm suave like Sean Connery, (impression) I woo the unwooable, shaken, stirred, bent over my knee screaming, "I'll never tell you where the secret lair is, but you've got massive hands that feel great on my hiney!" I'm ripped like the Rock, (impression while flexing) I've got muscles on areas I didn't even know could have muscles. Like Colin Farrell I'm foreign and I have a filthy mouth, (impression) but my butt looks great in designer anything (chugs a pint of beer, open mouth kisses Tina then lights a cigarette). I'm Keanu Reeves (blank face) alright. I'm Winona Ryder (looking around, disturbed) alright? I'm Adam Sandler ALRIGHT! When I'm rude and disgusting you love me, when I'm charming and witty you call me big daddy and pretend to be shocked when the video ends up on the internet. Either way I'm the quintessential, triple threat entertainer and this world can't live without me: Chris Wood. Tina Fey: (wiping her mouth clean) Those were terrible impressions. Chris Wood: You and your outdated eighties slang; no worries, I'm hip with the past, present and (does the robot) future. I know terrible means awesome, and I'm flattered. I work really hard at doing what I do. It's not easy being an actor/writer, singer/songwriter, and dancer/choreographer and be taken seriously in all three categories. I'm an artist Tina, I can't be anything else. Tina Fey: I don't even know what to say to that. (Chris gets up and leaves, Tina resituates herself, Chris reenters) Chris Wood: So what did you think of my bit? Tina Fey: I told you. I thought it was horrible. Chris Wood: Ladies and gentlemen, Simon has arrived. (He laughs and exits, Tina straightens her glasses and Chris reenters) Seriously though, can it be on the show? I've got more. I've got a standup routine that would kill. I'm like Richard Pryor but more relevant, more poignant and in general funnier. Tina Fey: Stop... Chris Wood: And I've got songs. The lyrics of Bob Dylan, Carole King - crap compared to my poetry of metaphor and melody. Tina Fey: Security! Chris Wood: And more impressions, I do a great one of you. Darrell Hammond, watch your back.. (Two security guards walk up behind him, grab him by the arms and drag him off stage) because I just might do an impression so good I replace you, old man! Tina Fey: Chris Wood, everybody - he's probably crazy! Earlier this week scientists discovered a way to reduce the amount of methane gas sheep produce into the air when they burp and fart in order to reduce global warming. Their original idea was to drive solar cars to work, but then the scientists were all called queermos. Latest health studies have shown that eating oily fish can lead people to have healthy hearts. You know what else you can do? Put the bacon down! A jailer in Tennessee has been charged with supplying illegal DVD’s to over 100 of the female inmates at the prison. The films seemed to be home improvement shows such as “Carpet Handling” and “Plugging up Holes”. A woman has settled a lawsuit in which she claimed to have developed a phobia of toilets after falling off one at a hotel. She asked for $14,000 compensation for pain, injury, medical treatment, and the upkeep of a litter box. Scientists claim they have found a gene injection that could cure infidelity. The gene was found to cause meadow voles to be more monogamous than they naturally are. The researchers say this may work with humans, as well. Bill Clinton has graciously offered to test this theory, saying he “wanted an excuse to write another book, anyway.” A former AOL employee was charged with stealing AOL’s entire subscriber list and selling it to a spammer that markets herbal penile enlargement pills. Sound familiar, guys? We’ve all gotten those emails. Women automatically delete them, of course. Let’s set a few things straight for the menfolk: 1. No, those emails did not come from your doctor. 2. They didn’t come from your partner, either. 3. It’s just a company trying to take advantage of your low self-esteem and the American masculinity complex. 4. However, your penis is still too small. Wisconsin was hit by tornadoes this week. One death was reported. The man was killed by a flying dairy truck. It was reported this week that the “Lollapalooza” tour would be cancelled due to poor ticket sales. In a related story, hundreds of nerds, dorks, dweebs and pizza faces will be spending 3 more days in their rooms this summer, probably playing D&D. Here now with a new feature on Weekend Update, “Jumpin’ Up On My Soapbox”, is Paul Conner. Paul Conner: Hello. My name is Paul Conner…and I going to go “jumpin’ up on my soapbox”! I was reading an article this week that says President George W. Bush has raised over $200 million thru campaign contributions. And then it says that John Kerry has only raised $77 million thru campaign contributions. So basically the article is saying…Bush is that little bratty girl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies…and John Kerry isn’t! Truth me, you would sell a lot of Girl Scout cookies too; if you worked with Dick Cheney…that guy gets a boner when he thinks of food. Colin Powell starts reminiscing about an old Army general, “I think his name was General Mc Rib…” Cheney just stands in the corner, trying to eat the paint clips off the White House walls, ”hmm, why are you looking at me like that? They’re good for protein.” What does that have to do with anything? Well, my point is, money doesn’t win you the presidency or win you a World Series or win you the moon, the stars, the stripes…unless you’re father’s name is George Steinbrenner or Donald Trump…or George Bush, Sr.” I’m Paul Conner, and I’m jumping off my soapbox! Tina Fey: Paul Conner, everyone! Finally tonight, the first pictures of Courtney Cox and David Arquette’s daughter were released in People Magazine, this week. Cox and Arquette named their daughter “Coco”. Oh, that kid is doomed! Not only are you’re parents a retard and a chick with no ‘real’ friends, but they named you “Coco”. Hey Coco, I’m just saying this as a friend, they say suicide is never the answer, well, in this reality, suicide may be your only option! For Weekend Update, I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
