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Professional.....Chris Parnell Mrs. Mertz.....Scarlett Johansson Secretary.....Rachel Dratch INT. – PROFESSIONAL’S OFFICE Leather chairs, bookcases, and an expensive desk highlight the office. The PROFESSIONAL (Parnell) sits at his desk on the phone. Professional: Yes…I saw you, I remember. (a beat) What was that, anyway? Was that a propane tank in your pants or were you just happy to see me?! (laughs loudly) Yeah, nice tree trunk! You nearly put my eye out! (a beat) Alright. (a beat) Bye, dad. [He hangs up the phone. Mrs. Mertz (Johansson) walks in.] Professional: Hello, Mrs. Mertz. How are you today? Mrs. Mertz: I’m, uh, I’m fine, doctor. I’ve come to talk to you about something. Professional: Oh, did we have an appointment? (starts shuffling through papers) Mrs. Mertz: No, uh, I…I don’t think I’m going to want, uh, need your services, after all. Professional: Oh, really? Why’s that? [Phone rings.] Professional: This might be my night companion. I may need to take this… Mrs. Mertz: Well, I mean, I’m needing to go pretty soon, but I… [The answering machine picks up after a couple rings and his message can be heard.] Hello, you’ve reached Dr. Billow. Please leave your name, number, and a short message, and I’ll get back to you after I finish banging one of my clients! Thanks. (a beep, and the sound of hanging up is heard) Professional: No message…hmm. Oh, well…what were you sayin’? Mrs. Mertz: I don’t want to come here anymore. Professional: Really? Why? Mrs. Mertz: Well, it’s the message on your answering machine. I mean, I… Professional: (interrupting) You mean to tell me that’s not the funniest thing you’ve ever heard??? (laughs) It’s hilarious! My friends back home all love it! Mrs. Mertz: I just think it’s inappropriate, that’s all. I mean, inappropriate to me, at least. Professional: Well, I can change it. I mean, I’m not married to it or anything, and I don’t want to lose you and your family, ma’am. Here, let me make another one… Mrs. Mertz: Wait, you don’t have to… [The doctor reaches over to his machine and presses a button, and speaks into the mic.] Professional: You’ve reached Dr. Billow’s office, please leave your number and a short message, and I’ll call you back after I finish a round of golf, and by a round of golf I mean spooning in the nude with a client! Your business is appreciated. [He releases the button.] Professional: Was that better? Mrs. Mertz: No! You’re still talking about having sex with your clients! That’s just…wrong! Professional: Believe me, I know…I found that out the hard way! (laughs, then quickly serious) Anyway, it’s just a joke. I mean, everyone knows that it’s so controversial to have sexual relations with your clients, but it’s just for fun. Mrs. Mertz: But you’re a child psychologist! Your clients are children! Professional: Well, I’m actually a clinical child psychologist, ma’am. Big difference. Mrs. Mertz: Is that supposed to somehow make it…it better or, or more right??? Professional: (contemplative) No, I guess not. (a beat) Wait…I got one! I think this’ll be more to your liking. Mrs. Mertz: What? [Presses button, speaks into machine.] Professional: Hello, you’ve reached Dr. Billow. I’m not in my office, but if you’d like, leave a name and number, and as soon as I find a dental dam and finish going downtown on my 68-year-old secretary’s grey fox, I’ll get back to you. Have a great day! [Releases button.] Professional: Now see…that was perfect! Nothing offensive there, but still pretty funny! Mrs. Mertz: You’re sick…I’m out of here. I’m going… [Mrs. Mertz stands up.] Professional: Wait! What’s wrong with that one? I mean, I’m clearly not indicating that I want to have sex with children! Mrs. Mertz: Somehow, what you said this time is even creepier. Bye, doctor! Professional: (standing, arms outstretched) What do you want from me??? Mrs. Mertz: Bye! [Mrs. Mertz storms out of the office.] Professional: (sits back down) Dammit! That’s four clients today! No one understands me! [His secretary (Dratch, dressed to look much older) walks in.] Secretary: Uh, doctor…I heard your new answering machine message… Professional: No…I’m sorry. (laughs uneasily) It was a joke, I promise! I wasn’t sexually harassing you… Secretary: Oh, I’m not offended… [Shot of her back as she rips open her dress.] Secretary: Let’s see if you can handle my grey fox! [He appears disgusted as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
