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Doctor Harvey.....Scarlett Johansson Cory Dunkan.....Fred Armisen Nurse.....Maya Rudolph (Doctor (Johansson) enters small room where the patient (Armisen) waits, sitting on top of an examination bed wearing a hospital robe.) Doctor: Mr. Dunkan? Cory: Are the test results in? Doctor: Yes, we've done over thirty tests, some of them more than once, in order to find any traces of cancer in your body. Cory: (nervously) And? Doctor: (exhales, and looks down at the floor for a dramatic pause) You're cancer free. Cory: (in shock and disbelief) What? Doctor: (all smiles) You are cancer free, there's not a cell in your body with even a remote chance of becoming cancerous. Cory: You've got to be kidding me. Doctor: I kid you not, you're a free man! Go, live your life, celebrate. Cory: What the hell is there to celebrate about? Doctor: Excuse me? Cory: Okay, what causes cancer? Doctor: Well it depends on the kind of cancer. Breast cancer and ovarian cancer are generally genetic -- Cory: Take a good look; I have neither breasts nor ovaries, four beauties the good Lord neglected to bestow upon me. Doctor: Well smoking and frequently being in smoke filled areas increases you risk of lung and throat cancer, chewing tobacco increases the risk for cancer of the mouth. In general, we don’t know what causes specific kinds of cancers, genes, lifestyles; it’s really hard to say. Cory: Smoking, chewing, I'm doing all that. It doesn't solve my problem. Doctor: And what exactly is your problem? Cory: I don't have cancer! I've already filed my insurance claims and quit my job, I was ready to down four bottles of pills a day, lose my hair and call it good while I sat on my leather couch playing Halo. I'm on a national team, I had to audition to be on it and if I'm working I can't play if I can't play I'll get kicked off! I need to be dying from cancer. Doctor: I'm sure there's another alternative than cancer. Cory: Sure, there are a ton of options. But they either don't get me enough money or they require things like breasts or ovaries. That's sexism at its worst! I should get maternity leave every time I have sex. The insurance company doesn't know which one of those little bastards is gonna get away and knock somebody up and frankly, neither do I. Doctor: Look, I have patients to see who are actually sick. Cory: Doctor, don't you understand? My life is at stake, and maybe not in the way that requires immediate surgery but my world as I know it is in jeopardy unless you help me. Doctor: Mr. Dunkan, if you want advice I can give you that, but that's all I can give you. Are you ready? Listen closely - stop being a lazy, selfish person and do something productive with your life. Cory: (dreamily) Ah, just like my mom used to say it: Stay in school, go to college, get a job. What a slave driver. God rest her soul. (To doctor) She died of ovarian cancer. Apparently she neglected to pass onto me her ovaries and her cancer prone gene, but my sister? Oh no, she gets everything -- Mommy's little angel, they liked her more than me. Doctor: I don't think I can help you, go ahead and change back into your clothes. Cory: There's gotta be something you can do! Can you inject me with cancer? Doctor: We got rid of those vials a lot time ago. Cory: Well, then give me some of those pills that make you not feel anything at all and then I'll go to work and saw off my foot and collect worker's comp. Doctor: That's illegal, impractical, and most importantly it's disgusting - don't even get me started on the kinds of infections you could develop. Cory: Fine! Just fine! (He jumps off the table and clutches his clothes close to him.) I came here for help, compassion, (gets choked up) and I leave a still broken man. (Cory stomps out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Nurse enters soon after looking confused.) Nurse: Doctor, I thought there was a patient in here -- Doctor: There was, it was another one of those "I want cancer to scam my insurance" people. I wish those jerks did have cancer, it would show them right for being such arrogant self serving pinheads. Nurse: But that patient really does have cancer. The tests were just rerun and they came back positive. (Doctor sinks down into a chair) Doctor: Holy shit, what is it? Nurse: Ovarian. (Cory storms back in) Cory: DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! Can't you people do anything right? I don't have ovaries! I specifically told you, no ovaries. You'd think when ordering cancerous blood off the internet, checking the NO box next to "Do you have ovaries?" would be clear enough. What a waste of money. (Storms back out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
