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Chameleon Man.....Will Forte Brad.....Fred Armisen Meg.....Scarlett Johansson Bartender.....Horatio Sanz [ note: Chameleon Man wears a green costume. When he activates his power, green-screening is used to match his clothing with the background ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] Is it a man or is it a glade? [ still shot of Chameleon Man in wintry Vermont woods, followed by a still shot of him with arms raised activating his power ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] A superhero or a gay parade? [ still shot in style of first, this time in front of marching men dressed flamboyantly ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] It’s hard to find the Chameleon Man. [ still shots of malicious robots looking for Chameleon Man in front of the gay pride parade and looking befuddled ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] He’s out of sight! The Chameleon Man. [ show title card ] [ int. Bar – Night ] [ Chameleon Man, dressed in green civilian clothes reminiscent of his costume, and his friend, Brad, are seated at a bar. Vaguely trendy music drifts as other patrons dance and mingle in the background ] Brad: I know what you’re saying, but I just don’t think the superhero thing is cut out for me. Chameleon Man: Ok, I’m gonna name some names, and you don’t have to say anything, all you need to do is just nod yes or no… The Light Rangers Brad: No. Chameleon Man: Just nod, The Frighteningly Super-awesome Five Brad: There are already five of them. Chameleon Man: Maybe they’d like vacations now and again, ok? How about Ion Blitz? Brad: I think they only do birthday parties. Chameleon Man: Please, remember the nodding; I’m trying to think here… I remember hearing The Human Katydid is looking for a side-kick. Brad: [ unbelievably ] What? Chameleon Man: [ grunts ] I just think someone with X-ray vision should be using his powers to help protect the lives of the people of the citizen..ery..ship .. people. Brad: I already do; I’m an EMT! Look, we came here to just let loose a bit, so will you drop it already? Chameleon Man: Like soap in the shower. [ a pause while they sip their drinks ] Brad: So what do you think of her over there? Chameleon Man: She’s pretty cute, I guess, in that sort of way. Brad: You don’t like her. Chameleon Man: Sure, I mean she’s got the whole hair .. thing, like that, yeah. And the eyes, she also has those. Brad: I don’t know about you, sometimes. I think she’s gorgeous. Good set of lungs on her. Sexy lungs. Chameleon Man: Oh come on, you’re not gonna get into that again. Brad: There is nothing sexier on a girl than a great set of lungs. Just the whole shape of them, and the way they inflate when they breathe in. You don’t even know what you’re missing. [ noticing Chameleon Man’s apathetic look ] Alright, who do you think is hot? Chameleon Man: I don’t know, maybe her .. I guess. Brad: Her? You know those aren’t for real, right? And not just the rack; she has more implants than the Bionic Man. Chameleon Man: I told you, he uses the name Technomaster these days. Brad: Yes, yes, you’ve told me. What about her? She looks pretty good: nice legs, athletic, [ motions with cupped hands in front of his chest ] absolutely incredible set of lungs. Chameleon Man: She’s good-looking. Brad: Why don’t you go over and talk to her? Chameleon Man: I don’t know, I mean, I guess I’m just not very confident. Brad: C’mon, just chameleon yourself in front of an Abercrombie ad or something. Chameleon Man: It’s not something I’m very good at… it’s not something I do. Brad: What are you, gay or something? Chameleon Man: No way. There’s already a sketch about that. Brad: Look, I already told you, absolutely beautiful lungs. Chameleon Man: I don’t see why you keep bringing that up. What’s so important about the lungs? Brad: What’s important about the lungs? Everything. Everything you need to know about a woman you can see in her lungs. She doesn’t smoke, she doesn’t snore, she doesn’t have too much phlegm. You don’t want a girl with too much phlegm, you really don’t. Chameleon Man: You’re right, you’re right. Brad: I mean, I know it probably sounds funny to you, but you really start to take a different view of things when you can see her enter lymphatic system. Take a chance man, why not? Chameleon Man: Alright… I’ll try. [ Chameleon Man gets up and approaches aforementioned girl, Meg, seated elsewhere at the bar ] Chameleon Man: Hi. Meg: Hi. Chameleon Man: My .. uh .. friend was telling me about you, and .. uh .. you have lymph nodes? Meg: Yeah. Chameleon Man: Wow, me too. Meg: I’m Meg. Chameleon Man: I’m .. Rick. [ Meg nods her head and turns the other way to speak to the bartender, who is forever wiping his counter. Chameleon Man paniced and flustered from the conversation, activates his power and vanishes ] Meg: Can you get me another Daiquiri? Just put it on his tab. Bartender: Who’s? Meg: [ turning ] Oh.. he left. Bartender: Don’t worry about it, miss; this one’s on me. Chameleon Man V/O: I can’t deal with this. I mean, what if we fall in love? There’s no way I could conceal my secret identity as a crime-fighter for long. Meg: [ receiving a new drink ] Thanks. You’re such a lady-killer, Paulson. [ the bartender smiles and resumes wiping ] Chameleon Man V/O: And if we do fall in love, I’ll probably have to do things with her that I don’t enjoy. Like gardening. I bet she has a garden. I can’t fall in love and be reduced to a lifetime of flower gardening! Meg: Paulson, why’s it so hard for a girl to find love these days? Bartender: Couldn’t say, miss. Chameleon Man V/O: And she’d probably want my opinion on it too. Heck, she’d probably even have me help pick out the garden too set. I’m sorry, but I just don’t know if I’ll ever know whether or not I prefer the ones with the deep cherry handles. Meg: I love the city. There’s none of those creepy plant things here. [ Meg and bartender share a small laugh ] Chameleon Man V/O: Liar! You love plants, especially azaleas! Meg: [ sighs, looks over her empty drink ] I think I’m gonna be off, Paulson. Looks like this was another dead end. Even Rick wouldn’t talk with me. Bartender: I think you’re being a little hard on yourself, miss. Chameleon Man V/O: Meg’s a nice person, I shouldn’t be hiding from her like this. [ reappears ] Meg: Oh, hey Rick, I figured you ditched. Chameleon Man: No .. I’ve been here .. I’m actually a .. superhero .. with the power to turn invisible. Meg: Oh! That’s why you’ve been so shy! Don’t worry about it! Chameleon Man: Don’t worry about it? Meg: I LOVE roleplay too! I know, it can be a bit embarrassing, but isn’t it so much fun? Chameleon Man: Uh.. yeah. Meg: Oh no! I think I’ve been captured by a tractor beam from some evil mastermind. [ stands up ] He’s pulling me and I can’t stop it. [ begins walking backwards out of bar ] I hope some hero will come and save me [ winks at Chameleon Man as she backs into the door ] Hurry! [ exits ] Chameleon Man: [ ineffectually ] I’m coming to save you! [ as Chameleon Man leaves, Brad grabs his sleeve ] Brad: Make sure you wear protection, she’s ovulating. [ Chameleon Man exits the bar ] [ show title card ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] He’s out of sight! The Chameleon Man! [ end ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
