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Psychotic Harry.....Horatio Sanz Joe the Cop.....Will Forte [ open on Psychotic Harry standing in front of bluescreen of mega-sized fireworks stand ] Psychotic Harry: Independence Day may have been over for almost a week, but at Psychotic Harry's we've got plenty of fireworks and explosives still in stock! With all of our post-holiday merchandise up to 90% off, it'll cost you money you can't afford not to burn! Black Cats! Bottle rockets! Hand grenades, and TNT detonators! We've got it all at Psychotic Harry's, and it's priced down and ready to go! You can shop for fireworks in person, or have your order filled over the phone before you arrive! It's fun for the entire family, and surprisingly affordable this late in the season! [ Joe the Cop enters with a stern look on his face ] Joe the Cop: Folks, take it from me, Joe the Cop - you won't find a better deal on fireworks anywhere in town. But, remember - fireworks are illegal year-round in this city. So don't let me catch you purchasing or using these illegal wares while I'm around. Psychotic Harry: Come on, Joe! I overstocked for the holidays, and I really need to clear this inventory in time for Halloween. Joe the Cop: I remember Halloweens as a boy. I used to eat Halloween candy until I puked. Afterwards, I would hit the sidewalks and begin trick-or-treating from scratch. Psychotic Harry: Folks, the post-holiday sale prices of my fireworks are so good, you won't lose your lunch! But I'm losing my shirt! At 90% off all regular prices, I'm really losing money! Believe me, your tips would be appreciated. Joe the Cop: Gratuities are illegal. [ a beat ] But I'll turn my head toward the water fountains if you make it worth my while. Psychotic Harry: I'm so desperate to get rid of these fireworks, I'll do anything to sell them! Even if I have to blow out my own brains! [ presses pistol to the side of his head ] Joe the Cop: A mind is a terrible thing to waste - unless you know exactly where to aim. [ points his own pistol at the from of Psychotic Harry's head ] Psychotic Harry: [ lowers his gun ] All kidding aside, there's even going to be free ice cream for the kids! How can you beat that? Joe the Cop: [ lowers his gun as well ] Last time I checked, ice cream was legal in fifty states, including this one. But I'd still watch my step around here if I were you - because the heat from the fireworks might make your ice cream melt, and that'll make you one unhappy camper. Psychotic Harry: I know I'll be an unhappy camper if you don't buy the last of my fireworks! I may be certifiably insane, but you might have to go in for heavy observation yourself if you pass up prices this low! [ Joe the Cop has hidden himself behind a window curtain ] Joe the Cop: Ignore the man behind the curtain. I'm just observing crime in its natural state. But take it from me, Joe the Cop - Psychotic Harry's prices are low enough to make the risk worth the effort. In fact, it would be a crime not to take advantage of this psycho's great deals. Psychotic Harry: Thanks, Joe! That's Psychotic Harry's Fireworks, one mile west of the interstate. Just look for the inflatable gorilla on the roof - and the inflatable woman in my office! Joe the Cop: Hey! So, that's what happened to Sheila! Psychotic Harry: [ smiling sadistically ] Sheila's been a naughty girl. [ laughs maniacally ] [ over superimposed logo ] Announcer: [ insane laughter ] Psychotic Harry's Fireworks. Do you know where your children are? [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
